Good morning,
I pray the day finds you well.
I know we haven't talked for a while, in fact, it has been around 3-weeks.
A staff member came into my office and said, "I was thinking about you the other day, and I have decided that you are not like any of the other chaplains I have encountered. She said I was a bit more edgy, real, and relatable. Initially, I wasn't sure how to take this, but she assured me it was a compliment.
She was right after all, I was edgy actually I was feeling feelings that I had not felt in over 30 years! I had just finished canoeing the Willamette River with my boys and I was in an exceptionally good mood. The fact that my kids want to spend time with me, and go do things like explore a river, sleep on islands, and talk about everything that doesn't include the weather, is an amazing thing to me.
I know that I am blessed.
I was back home in my backyard with Laurie. I was recounting the trip, she was asking questions and we were generally having a great time. Music was playing in the background. Laurie had bought a Bose outdoor speaker, and we were listening to our eclectic music that only comes with a Spotify account.
She asked about our conversations and I told her all the stories that the boys and I had shared. It is funny when your kids grow up and feel comfortable enough to tell you all the crazy stuff they did, but would never tell you in the moment. We had lots of laughs, a few tears, with many I love you's and thanks for going on this trip from everyone in the group.
Then something strange happened.
Laurie asked me, I can't recall why at the moment, what music I listened to right before football games when I was waiting in the locker room before we ran on the field. I told her I had a series of songs that would evoke feelings and get me mentally ready to play a violent game.
I told her that I usually started with "She's a brick house" mostly because of the rhythm of the music. Playing the position that I did (shutdown corner, and free safety, depending on the situation in the game) was like a dance, especially the shutdown corner piece. I would line up nose to nose with the receiver and at the snap of the ball he would make his first move, I in turn would react with mine and we would run down the field doing this dance. He trying to get into position to catch a ball, me getting into position to knock it down or intercept it. So the Commodores "She's a brick house" was the perfect song to listen to while I mimed running backward, crossing over to run sideways, and crossing over again to run flat out in the opposite direction, all the while getting the mental picture of would eventually happen in the game.
After I had gone through all my pretend cover options I would then turn my focus to the other part of the game; the "I am a better, badder, player than my opponent, and I would listen to Aerosmith's sweet emotion song. For whatever reason it would make me mad. Then finally I would finish it off with Pink Floyd's "The Wall." By this point, the game is about to start I am completely focused, maybe a bit out of my mind, and ready to pretend I was 6'4" and 245lbs, not 5'9" 190.
Then Laurie asked about how I got hurt.
I told her how I was up against an All-American wide receiver so I played shutdown corner the whole game. I was on an island with this guy, The first play of the game I lined up nose to nose with him at the line of scrimmage, and he looked at me and said, "They are throwing me the ball and there is nothing you can do about it." I just looked at him and smiled. The center snapped the ball and I hit this guy so hard that he flew onto his back 2 yards behind the line of scrimmage. I stood over him and said, "It's kind of hard to catch a ball when you are laying on your back."
He didn't catch a ball until 8 minutes left in the third quarter; that was when I was pile driven into the ground by their left guard and their fullback speared me in the back. He got up yelling, "I got him, coach, I got him!" At the time we were winning 7-0.
We lost the game 35-7. He caught 5 touchdown passes in a quarter and a half.
I spent the next week in the hospital bleeding internally.
The doctors said that I couldn't play anymore. If I took another hit like that I would be on dialysis the rest of my life.
I was pretty upset.
Then I lost my scholarship; back then it was play or go home. I went home.
I was really upset.
My girlfriend was still at school, I called her up on her birthday. She told me she didn't love me and never did, that I was nothing more than a status symbol to her. I guess she had a pretty low bar if I was a status symbol.
Now I was just plain angry; not just mad, oh no, this was much worse. I was in touch with my anger in a place where it was dangerous. I was less than, of no worth, sub human.
Oklahoma State called me up and offered me a scholarship to play for them. I said, "No thank you."
Wyoming called me up and offered me a scholarship, my parents said, "You should take it." So I did.
It became apparent that I was no longer in the headspace to play, so I quit.
I was still in touch with my anger though
This anger drove me to the Navy. And this was the anger that somehow had awakened in me.
This was not a good thing.
I stayed in this anger for a couple of weeks.
Finally, one night I was wrestling with God, and I almost threw a hip out doing it (Just a little biblical humor for you). God said something that I wish He would have said, much earlier.
He said, "I healed you from this anger already, and you are still healed. You chose to go back there, you must choose to come out!"
I said, "What!?"
God replied, "You put yourself in that prison. the cell door is open, just walk out and be free."
So I did.
The relief was instant, amazing, a palpable.
I am a happy guy again.
I was talking to my accountability partner and he said that he could see it, and was glad to have me back.
We talked for quite a while, he and I.
I began to wonder, "How many times I have just put myself in that prison cell, all the time the cell door is open and I just wouldn't walk through it.
Have you ever put yourself in a prison cell and just sat there, the cell door is open but you won't walk through it?
Something to ponder.
Blessings,
Roger
