I have to keep reminding myself that today is where life is.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

This wandering in the open is not as easy as it would seem. 

I have to remain intentional. 

I find that if I just let my mind wander it still tends to either lean to the past or try to run ahead into the distant future. If I don't remain conscious of what I am having my mind work on, it can end up working on things that I never intended it to work on in the first place. 

I can ignore all the signs and end up in trouble. 

I know what you are thinking, "How can you possibly ignore multiple signs or even one sign that warns you of multiple mishaps?"

Well, I am glad you asked. I just happen to have a picture for you.

Laurie and I were with friends (obviously, I don't own a Cadillac SUV) and saw this sign. As you can plainly see, we parked, we stopped, and we stood. I guess the only question that came to my mind was, "Just how are they (the maker of the sign) defining 'at any time'?" 

I just about went on a 30,000-word tirade regarding the phrase "at any time" and the relevance of it to what we are talking about, but I didn't, I am awake to my thoughts at the moment, and am not going to go unconsciously into a thought pattern that will get us way off course:)

I am walking in the open and I can see a long way ahead of me if I choose to look. I can see a long way behind me if I choose to look. If I start to sleepwalk and just let my mind run it will either end up running way ahead or running way back into the past. 

There will be no sleepwalking today. I am enjoying the present. I am going to see many people today at my YMCA and I want to be present to all of them. I want to enjoy my time with them. 

The past is gone and tomorrow will take care of itself.

I have to keep reminding myself that today is where life is. 

Are you enjoying today, or are you letting your mind run way ahead, or way behind? 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

One last thing, "Love them when they are small and they will love you when you are old."

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I had a great weekend, I hope you did as well!

I canoed the Willamette River with my youngest son David Saturday.

There is nothing like spending quality time alone with a person, and the canoe definitely lends itself to creating that space. 

This time it was with my son David. We canoed from Independence to Salem, it only took a couple of hours and the conversation was amazing. 

David hates small talk. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. David can go deep, something I love. David was worried about his dad, I love that too. 

We talked about lots of stuff, but mostly we talked about life. 

I got the opportunity to tell him how proud I was of him and that I'm with him all the way. 

David doesn't have kids yet. We talked about this a bit. I didn't bring it up, he did.

In the midst of the conversation David said, "Dad, I don't want you to take this the wrong way (David is very emotionally savvy and is always prefacing things so he doesn't upset people). I have been thinking about this and one of the big reasons I am afraid of being a dad is that I won't do it as well as you did."

I said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "You were always there for us. No matter how tired you were you always rode bikes with us, or played football or catch with us. Nick (His sister who lives with him) put a hole in the wall, and I remember when I did that as a kid and how you just looked at the hole and said, 'Ok kids let's load up and go to Home Depot, I am going to teach you how to fix a hole in the drywall.' You didn't care that it was 2-days before Christmas and you had the entire youth group over at the house for a youth group party. You loaded the entire group up in two cars and you and Lolo drove us to Home Depot, got the stuff and we patched a hole that night. You made it fun"

I remembered that when Nick put a hole in the wall of my house. I just said, "Ok Nick, let's go to Home Depot."

He went on to say, how many of his friends had parents who just kind of forgot about them or spent their time yelling at them, even in front of their friends.   

I am afraid that I won't do it as good as you did.

I just looked at my son and said, "David, there is a good chance you won't be as good a dad as I am. No, I am pretty sure you will be a whole lot better!" 

I went on to say, "Just look at Brandon, he is blowing me right out of the water. What makes you think that you will be any different?"

Laurie and I have some great kids. 

Dave, Dave, and I spent some real quality time on the river Saturday, we will be spending more time in the near future as Brandon, Levi, David and I will be canoeing the entire river in a few weeks, spending our nights on islands, and having amazing conversations. 

For a guy who could have done just about anything in his life, but only wanted to be a great dad and a good husband, this was music to my ears.

Life is good. 

One last thing, "Love them when they are small and they will love you when you are old."

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Context, it's important

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well. 

The church can be a funny place. I hear all sorts of stuff at church, most of which is unrelated to God. 

I was listening to one of the elders, (I will call him Luke; yes, it is his real name and a story always goes better with a real name.) a guy that is part of the Shepherds Team, a leader in the church, I could go on but once again I hear all sorts of stuff in church, and as I said, most of which is not related to God at all. 

Like this one:

He starts with, "I was in the living room doing guy stuff, (Whatever 'guy stuff' is, he didn't elaborate), and I hear one of my kids (who is in the kitchen with his mother say, "I have goat nipples." 

He then goes on to say, "I heard a pause and then my wife (the kid's mom) says, "Well you might want to get that looked at."

What Luke hadn't bothered to mention yet is that they live on a farm and raise goats; a little known fact about "raising" animals is that you typically have adult animals, young animals, and usually in the spring you have baby animals. When you have baby animals bottle feeding comes to mind. Bottle feeding is an experience in itself, and yes it includes a bottle and low and behold nipples. 

Luke's child was in the kitchen with his mother and she was washing bottles and he had brought the bottle nipples. 

Up until the point where Luke talked about the farm, the whole congregation was wondering just where this story was going. Luke got a big laugh, he is a funny guy. 

We also learned that Luke is a hunk, a hunk of burning love that morning. Once again context is important, but I won't go into that now. I think I will leave that for a later bread!

Context it's important. 

Butterfly moment;

I was with a friend the other day and she looks over and says, "Oh look a  cow."

I say, "Yep."

Then she says, "Oh look a baby calf."

I said, "You are very observant. Have you ever bottle-fed a calf?"

She said, "No."

I said, "You have to be careful, if you aren't paying attention the calf will suck your arm all the up to your elbow in its mouth. When you pull it out it will be covered with that slime they use in alien movies."

She said, "Gross, I don't want to bottle feed a calf."

Back to what we were talking about.

Context. 

I have left the forest. 

I am clearly walking the path out in the open. 

I have the opportunity to look far down the road if I want. I don't want to. It wouldn't be good for me. 

I have the opportunity to gaze into my past if I want to. I don't want to. It wouldn't be good for me. 

I am content to look a bit down the road; glancing into the past just to get context.

I do hear a river up ahead, I wonder if it is the same river that I heard in the forest. I am not worried about it, I will find out soon enough. 

For now, I am just enjoying my walk. 

The funny thing about those tapes in your head, they distort Context. If I was still listening to those tapes there is a good chance I would have gone to the doctor to have my goat nipples looked at. 

It took me a while to unravel and unbind the truth from the lie. 

I don't have goat nipples. No, I have bottles that have bottle nipples. 

Why would I need baby bottles you ask?

Well, it is quite simple really. God asked me., "Do you love me?'

I said, "Yes, you know I love you."

God said, "Feed my sheep."

I love God, so I am feeding His sheep.

Are you feeding anything? If so what are you feeding?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

We need more "Y" people. The world would be better off if we did.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I am definitely coming to a clearing; there is more blue sky showing all the time. I wonder what kind of a clearing it will be, big, small, I cannot tell just yet? 

A thought just crossed my mind. I wonder if I am almost out of the woods? I have this feeling that I am getting close. My traveling companion doesn't seem to look at me with anxiety on her face. She is smiling more, laughing more. I am taking that as a good sign. 

Well, enough wondering about that. If I wonder for too long I will begin to ponder, and pondering has a bad habit of turning into perseverating, which is just another word for staring into the future and seeing mirages. 

Not going to do that. It wouldn't be prudent. 

The path has become flat and easy; not so much uphill, downhill, and sidehill walking. Just a flat path that is a bit straighter and not quite so curvy. 

The past week has been a good week, Darryl and I have driven back and forth to corporate a few times with only a small number of "It's on your side" moments. We have figured out a few organizational issues, and have drawn on the whiteboard, you know the one; it was the whiteboard that Wonder Woman held up because it was too heavy for me and Darryl.  

I sat in my office, which is right by the front desk of our "Y" and watched people. I look at their shoes. Most have muddy boots. On most boots the mud is fresh, some are stuck, a lot of people are trudging, many all alone. There are a few fancy shoe people, but not many. 

The fancy shoe people are funny. They complain about stuff that really doesn't matter, that is unless all your other needs are met and life is good, then I guess a shower head that still drips water when you shut it off is the end of the world! Or the water temperature of the pool is only 85 degrees and not 88 and your whole world collapses. 

You don't hear that kind of stuff from the muddy boot people, they have more on their mind than that. 

There are too many muddy-boot people for me to connect with all by myself. So I have asked for and gotten help. I am getting close to having 20 volunteer chaplains and a number of staff that have come alongside these peeps and walked with them. 

The volunteer chaplains are muddy boot people and so are the staff. 

A Gordon Lightfoot song just popped into my head!

Muddy boot people always seem to know when to call
Muddy boot people don't talk, they listen till they've heard it all
Muddy boot lovers don't lie when they tell you they've been down like you
Muddy boot people don't mind if you cry on a tear or two

I adapted it a bit, in case you hadn't noticed. 

Have I ever mentioned that it is loud in my head?

Do you know what I love about our "Y"? It is the staff. They are so good at handling fancy shoe people so that they feel heard, all the while working with muddy boot people in a way that they don't feel shame for having muddy boots. 

We need more "Y" people. The world would be better off if we did. 

What kind of a person are you? 

Are you who you want to be? 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

There is always a tell.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

We have been walking through the woods for some time now. When I look ahead I am starting to see signs of a clearing. 

You know the feeling, you are walking through the forest and gradually you start to see more sky through the trees; not when you look straight in front of you close to the ground, but when you look up a bit, not way up but at a decent angle toward the sky, you start to see more sky through the canopy, as if there are fewer trees all of a sudden. 

We are definitely coming to a clearing or something. It will be interesting to see what I see.

I am so grateful to have someone who is willing and able to walk with me, as I make my way down this path; I never would have made it this far alone. 

I know I am healing.

I know I am getting better.

I know that I am becoming whole again. 

My heart feels lighter.

My head seems clearer.

My thoughts go up and not down. 

My spidey senses are back. 

If you are wondering what I mean about my spidey senses, it is a term that one of my psychologist friends gave me long ago.

He said, "Roger, God gave you a gift. You have this unique ability to peer into a person, get past the mask, get past the lie, and see the pain that inhabits their soul."

He called it a gift, time will tell how much of a gift it truly was. 

When I talk with people, I can see their pain. Lots of times I see the pain that they won't talk about for a long time. So I have to be patient and wait for when they are either ready to talk about it, or it cannot be held back any longer and the dam bursts with all that "stuff" cascading out like a waterfall. 

For a long time, I wore what I called Teflon armor. 

People would talk with me, and tell me their stuff but it wouldn't stick to me, their stuff would just slide off, like that burnt egg in those stupid infomercials. 

I think one of the reasons I was stuck in the mud was my armor had worn out and things began to stick.  

I needed new armor. 

You don't just go buy this kind of armor. No, you have to forge it yourself. 

One of the things that my companion and I have been doing is working on my armor. 

In the words of Wonder Woman, "Long story, longer."

I say all that just to say, "My spidey senses are back."

People will be talking with me, everything is fine and light. Then they say a word, or their posture shifts, an inflection changes.

There is always a tell. 

My spidey senses go up and I suddenly become more aware of all that is around me. 

I start to see into them, and there it is.

The pain. 

Life is hard.

Everyone has pain.

I tell people, "Life is what happens when we are busy planning life."

I wish we didn't have to have pain, but I know that is unrealistic. 

I guess the best that I could wish for is that when something painful happens to a person they get the help they need while it is still on the surface, where it can be removed more easily, and not let it fester until it is so deep we have to do major surgery to dig it out. 

I had to do major surgery to dig out my pain, I have scars to show for it. 

My wish would be that I was the only one to have to go through it, the surgery was dangerous and painful. I almost died. 

Thanks again to my traveling companion for being with me "All the way."

If you need to talk to someone, don't put it off.

Do you need to talk to someone?

Is there pain in you that is digging deeper?

Take a look inward and ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Darryl's new camp name is T-Bone

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Darryl and I have been carpooling to the corporate office lately. I had originally thought this was a good idea, but recently I have begun to rethink my initial thoughts. 

I think that I mentioned that Darryl has been going through a midlife crisis. He has joined a gym, started a workout routine, gone on a diet, and bought a car; he has even started to trim his beard. 

There is nothing worse than a sasquatch in the middle of a midlife crisis. 

I can't remember the last time I heard a complete sentence from Darryl. 

As I mentioned earlier Darryl and I have been carpooling to the corporate office. Darryl insists that he drive. After all, what good is it to have a midlife crisis car and not drive it?

My traveling companion and I have been having a lot of fun walking through the woods. 

Actually, without my companion, I really don't think I would be where I am today, which is quite a long way from the mud. I haven't looked at the past for quite some time and in fact, haven't even thought about how I could end it all for a while. 

I would say that I am out of the woods, but we all know that I am still in the woods, just walking along, singing a song.

Darryl has been driving me to corporate, or should I say I have somehow not died, as Darryl And I made our way to corporate.

Darryl is very proud of his midlife crisis car. 

When he first told me he got a sports car, I asked him what he bought? 

Darryl said, "I bought a Porsche!"

I replied, "Wow, show me a picture!"

Evidently, Darryl spells Porshe G-O-L-F. 

This will explain a lot very soon.

So Darryl has developed a bad habit of turning left in front of oncoming traffic. When I gasp, he just laughs and says, "It is on your side!" Just last Thursday he did this 3 times on the way to corporate.

I finally make it out of the mud and am far enough down the path that I don't even think of ways to end it all and here is Darryl giving me new ideas. 

Uggg....

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor has decided that we all need camp names. For the longest time, Darryl went with the name Polar Bear. But I am giving him a new Camp name.

Darryl's new camp name is going to be T-Bone. 

Darryl is a good friend and a good traveling companion. He keeps things interesting.

As we walk down the path of life, it is good to know that we have people that we can depend upon. I feel blessed and lucky to have the people in my life that I have. Without them, I am not so sure that I would be here bothering you right now. 

If you have people you can depend on, be grateful, if you don't, find some. Life is not meant to be lived alone. 

Take a look around you and see what you have got.

Are you where you want to be?

Do you want something different?

Do you want something more?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Lately, I have been thinking about food.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

When you walk down a path in the woods, a forest, a place where a lot of trees tend to grow; whatever you want to call it, you have time to think. 

Lately, I have been thinking about food. 

I guess walking burns calories, and calories need to be replaced. Evidently, calories live in food, so one has to eat food to obtain calories, or so I am told. 

So lately, I have been thinking about food. 

Now I do have to get one thing straight. I am not a picky eater. I think it stems from my growing up years and my mother. Mom was a lot of things, a fabulous cook not being one of them. I am not saying anything she hasn't already admitted to. I guess that is what happens when you take a Kennicott off the estate and take away their wait staff, chefs, and cooks. 

Mom, once fried bologna and made rice. The bologna cupped up when fried, mom spooned rice into the bologna, gave it a fancy French name (I guess that makes it taste better), and served it for dinner. Dad ate it like it was candy, Betty and I just looked at each other and said, "You first."  

I lost, took a bite, and found out that while it might not be in my top 53 favorite foods, I didn't die (Scratch that one off the list), so all is good. 

So I was walking along the path thinking about food, oddly enough bologna did not cross my mind. 

I started thinking about:

• Macaroni and cheese
• Tacos
• Sushi
• BBQ
• French bread, cheese, and hard salami
• Cheese

Macaroni and cheese, as I thought about this, I kept going back to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I know it isn't the "gourmet" Macaroni and Cheese, but I do like me some good Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. After all, you are talking to the guy who does not despise fried bologna and rice. 

Tacos, A good street taco is not to be scoffed at. And the best street tacos are often found on the street, go figure. Usually in a trailer that says, "Tacos." 

Sushi is awesome but can be scary. My buddy Chuck and I love Sushi. We are also very cheap. Not gas station Sushi cheap. but pretty darn close. We went to this sushi place a few times and started to notice the same Sushi being served over a few days. We asked the waitress (Is this politically correct anymore, I can never tell?)  The waitperson (Look how I have adapted) said, "Maybe, I can't really tell. We just keep the train moving and hope for the best. She didn't really say that, but it was surely implied. 

We didn't go back to that Sushi place. 

BBQ, I have found the best BBQ in America! You might think I am lying, but I am not. I am not going to tell you where it is either. Ha...but it is good stuff, Maynard!

French Bread, cheese, and hard salami. I only bring that out for my most favorite people. It is actually reserved for only me and my traveling companion. This is special, what is amazing about French Bread, cheese, and hard salami is that it brings out great conversations. You know, the conversations that keep building long after the conversation is over. My kind of conversation. 

Cheese, I love cheese, it is my kryptonite! You name the cheese and I will eat it. 

Yes, walking down a path will bring out the hangry in anyone. 

But you know what? I would rather walk through the woods with my traveling companion and be hungry, tired, and sore; than anywhere else in the world. 

There is nothing like being with someone who you know, and I mean know, has your back. 

I am learning that there is no greater love than that. I am learning that it really doesn't matter what goes on in life as long as you have that! 

Life isn't one big thing, it is a bunch of little things brought together to make the big thing. And walking through life with someone who has your back is something that is made up of a bunch of little things. All those little things make up that big thing, that everyone is looking for. 

I will continue to keep my eyes open, to look at the here and now. 

Oh, and by the way thank you for walking with me.

Blessings,

Roger

 

We live in the here and now. This is where life is.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

My traveling companion and I have been having some really good conversations, when I mean good, I mean deep and insightful. I have never been that "so what do you think about the weather" kind of guy. This can be a good thing, or it can be a bad thing. When I am with a person that likes to talk about deep meaningful and insightful things we have a great conversation, a conversation that continues to build and form even after it is over. When I am with a "so what do you think about the weather" person, I tend to aggravate them. 

The person (I will name him Bill, just to give the story more flavor) will say, "So Roger, what do you think about the weather?"

I will say, "Oh, I think it is quite nice, don't you?"

Bill will often reply, "Yes, I love a beautiful day, and aren't the clouds nice?"

This is usually where things derail.

I will say something to the effect of, "Yes, I really like clouds. Tell me do you like clouds, and which cloud is your favorite? I really don't have a favorite:

There are times when a nice Cirrus Cloud really makes me smile, and there are times when an Altocumulus cloud does the trick, Cumulus clouds are like a pillow and those stratocumulus clouds are amazing. 

Did you know, there are three different kinds of Cirrus clouds?

There are Cirrocumulus, they are high clouds with a puffy, patchy appearance and small spaces between the clouds. they often form wavy patterns. 

There are Cirrostratus clouds, these are the high clouds that are light gray, or white, they are thin though, and you can see the Sun or moon through them. They usually cover most of the sky.

There are Altocumulus clouds, these are the middle clouds that have a puffy patchy appearance with spaces in between, they look like cotton balls. 

There are Alto......Bill, where did you go?"

I wonder where Bill went!

That is what usually happens to my "So what do you think about the weather?" conversations.

When I told this to my traveling companion, she said, "Roger, I do love you, but you really can be a jerk sometimes!" 

I just smiled, and gave her that ya, I know look; because it was true. 

We are still in the forest.

The path isn't scary, it is quite pretty. It curved up ahead and never let us look too far ahead. I realize now it was training me to not be so "far future" focused. I have gotten better at being in the here and now. It is good to look a bit into the future, but not too far. It is much better to be present in the here and now. That is where we are living. 

We no longer live in the past, and we don't live in the future.  

We live in the here and now. This is where life is. 

We had stumbled into an open spot, and I was really quite proud of myself. While it was possible to look way ahead on the path, I didn't. I noticed the openness of the area and the ability to look way ahead. I took a quick glance but didn't stay there. I averted my gaze to a point in the near future and looked at that. All the while maintaining my present self. 

That was a good moment.

If I can say anything to you at all it is this, "Don't focus on far future things, it is a mirage. Definitely, don't focus on the past, it is dead and gone. Live in the here and now, this is where life is." 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Sometimes when we look too far ahead we see mirages.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

The forest is beautiful this morning. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all seems to be right in the world, at least for the moment. 

The path is winding through the woods, which keeps me from looking too far down the road; this is a good thing. Sometimes when we look too far ahead we see mirages. We think we see something, but in fact, it is something else entirely. Most of the time it is nothing at all. But, we think we see something and get all wiggy about it. 

It is a good thing the path serpentines through the forest. 

I have been doing a really good job of not looking back, the urge to do so is less every day. I am now working on being present in the moment and not skipping ahead, so to speak. 

I think God is preparing me for something, and I cannot see what it is; this is no surprise, He has never asked me my opinion, or what I thought about one of His plans. 

I am so not the boss.

He will tell me when He is good and ready, this I know. 

I am seeing more and more people with muddy boots, in all stages of the muddy boot saga. 

One thing I have noticed about people that have trudged through the mud and are now on a path is that they are not so quick to come up with an answer. They seem to be less likely to rush to judgment. 

They tend to be good listeners. 

They also seem to have the ability to be good guides along the way. They will tell you if you are actually looking at something or if it is just a mirage. They seem to be able to sift through the muck and get to the good stuff. 

They don't spend their time peering way down the road, the road will take care of itself. 

They seem content, there is a bit of sadness in their eyes which tells me there is something hard they went through, but in the end, there is a contentedness about them, it is comforting and reassuring. 

They say things like, "Don't look past that person, look them in the eye, and ask them, 'How are you today?"

The muddy boot people that I have come across, the ones with old caked-on mud, seem to have a bit of wisdom that helps me along the way. 

They say strange things like, "It isn't the challenge that defines you, it is your response." 

This one always causes me to ponder. 

1. What is my challenge?

2. How do I respond?

It is good to think of these things. It keeps me intentional.

How are you responding to the challenges in your life? 

Are you responding in a way that you like?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

I "move" a bit more, I have experience with Darryl and that look.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I woke up this morning, made my coffee, and went to my office (When you are a kid you have a room to play in. When you grow up you have an office to play in. I will have to ponder this one of these days). I sat down at my desk (so far so good) and started my computer, that is when the spiritual warfare started!

Most people just say I am inept when it comes to computers, but Darryl and I know differently. I will have a problem with my computer at work and won't be able to do anything. Darryl will walk by and say, "What's going on Rog?" I am not sure if he ever really called me "Rog" but that is what my fingers typed, so I am sticking with it.

I reply, "I can't get my computer to work."

Darryl says, "Just do this. (Whatever "This" happens to be at the moment).

I retort, "I did!"

Darryl says, "Move." Most people will say, "Move over, a lot of them will even add a "please" in there for good measure. Not Darryl, he has a thing for incomplete sentences. 

Darryl will sit down at my computer, usually with that, "It is a good thing he is a good chaplain," because he can't do anything else, look on his face. and starts messing with my computer.

This is the good part, are you ready? 

Darryl will type stuff on the keyboard, and he will mess with the mouse. He gets that funny Bigfoot look on his face, you know the look; it is that Jack Links Beef Jerky commercial Bigfoot look, just before he throws a guy to the moon. 

I "move" a bit more, I have experience with Darryl and that look. 

Darryl then says, "I have no idea what is going on here, it should work just fine. Everyone else's computer is working fine, this is weird." by the way, this is one of his longer sentences. 

I say, "It is spiritual warfare." I have a habit of getting under the enemy's skin and he throws a hissy fit and does stuff that is supposed to make me mad. 

I have learned that if I just leave everything alone for a bit Satan, or one of his minions, eventually gets bored and finds someone else to play with. 

I also do what my IT son tells me to do. He will say, "Dad turn it off, wait for 30 seconds and turn it back on."

Computers are weird, just say-in.

Soooo...long story longer, I had a hard time getting my computer to work this morning so I could talk to you. And after telling you my saga of the computer, I am kind of tired of talking. 

Do you ever have spiritual warfare with your computer, or for that matter, anything else in your life?

If not, wow you are one of the lucky few, if so, how do you handle it? 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

You have to keep your eyes and ears open when walking in the woods.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I am still wandering through the trees, it has become apparent that I am in a forest, not a glade. It is a conifer forest, with a few deciduous trees here and there but for the most part, the smell of evergreens hangs in the air. I hear birds chirping, there are ground squirrels, squirreling around. I spotted a few deer, you never really hear a deer, they tend to be pretty quiet.  

I can hear running water, which is giving me the impression that there is a river somewhere in the vicinity. I wonder what type of river it is? Does the path parallel the river or cross it? If it crosses it will I be able to cross it. Questions are coming to mind. 

You have to keep your eyes and ears open when walking in the woods. You never know what you will come across. The woods aren't nearly as quiet as one would think they would be, no the woods can be pretty loud and full of noise. The cool stuff is pretty quiet though. 

The birds can be singing, the breeze can be rustling the leaves, but then you will hear a twig snap, your ears perk up, and your eyes look in the direction of the sound. Twigs don't tend to snap all on their own, something caused the twig to snap. 

I have never felt alone in the woods. I find it hard to feel alone when there is so much noise around. 

As I walked through the woods I remembered something that was written around 3,000 years ago. 

"The Lord said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went and stood at the mouth of the cave."

I have found this to be true. 

When God speaks he doesn't yell, He doesn't scream; no, He speaks quietly. You have to pay attention to hear him.

When I walk through the forest, I have to sift out the noise and listen for the sound I am meant to hear. The sound that will bring meaning and purpose to my life. It isn't always easy to hear, but I must be diligent and listen. 

As I walked through the forest, I looked down and noticed my boots. The mud was caked and dry. There was just enough left on my boots to remind me of where I had been, but I am not there anymore. 

I am walking through a forest, listening for a gentle whisper. I know this whisper will keep my path straight.  

Do you ever venture out into the woods? 

Do you ever listen for a gentle whisper?

It is hard to sift through the noise, it takes practice. Can you do it?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Henri's quote gives me peace.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I am discovering that walking through the trees on a nice dirt path is a lot easier than trudging through the mud. I the longer I walk this path the more energy I have and the lighter my heart becomes. 

The trees keep me from looking too far ahead. I think God has me in the trees while He trains me to focus on the here and now, not looking too far into the future and definitely not looking into the past. 

As I wander along, not really singing a song, I am finding more peace. Once I began keeping my life verse in the forefront of my mind I have found that I am not so anxious. I am not sure about the depression part, but I don't want to dwell on it. Dwelling on stuff is never good. 

As I walk through the trees, I find myself wondering why I haven't heard from anyone. I began to dwell on the fact that people that I thought would check on me, haven't. I was in the middle of this thought, feeling a bit down and lonely, then God reminded me of something Henry Nouwen had written once.

Henri Said:

"When you keep going anxiously to the mailbox in the hope that someone “out there” has thought about you; when you keep wondering if and what your friends are thinking of you; when you keep having hidden desires to be a somewhat exceptional person in this community; when you keep having fantasies about guests mentioning your name; when you keep looking for special attention from the abbot or any one of the monks; when you keep hoping for more interesting work and more stimulating events – then you know that you haven’t even started to create a little place for God in your heart.

When nobody writes anymore; when hardly anyone even thinks of you or wonders how you are doing; when you are just one of the brothers doing the same things as they are doing, not better or worse; when you have been forgotten by people – maybe then your heart and mind have become empty enough to give God a real chance to let his presence be known to you."

Henri's quote gives me peace. 

God is walking with me. He will have my back even when I am forgotten. 

In the midst of my depression, the enemy did his very best to keep me from God, from relying on Him. I didn't realize it, but I was trying to handle things myself.

I don't know if I ever told you, but I grew up in a small town. The school I attended was so small that we played half-court football. The game only got hard on punt and kickoff returns. I would run past everyone to the 50-yard line and then have to turn around and run through them all again. Uggg.

Our track team was so small that I was the only person on it. For the most part, everything was fine, except for the relay races. I was the only one on it. Why I had to run with a baton always mystified me. I still had to pass the baton; I did this by handing it from one hand to the other. Every so often I would mess it up and drop the baton.

My coach would just look at me and say, "Roger, you could mess up a one-man really race!"

When I try to handle things without God my coach's words come to mind.

"When nobody writes anymore; when hardly anyone even thinks of you or wonders how you are doing; when you are just one of the brothers doing the same things as they are doing, not better or worse; when you have been forgotten by people – maybe then your heart and mind have become empty enough to give God a real chance to let his presence be known to you."

As I wander down the path, God's presence is with me, I feel it just as you feel the shirt on your back.

I am walking with God.

How are you doing?

Are you running a one-man relay race or are you walking with the Big guy?

Something to ponder.

Blessing,

Roger

 

We live in the here and now. This is where life is.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

My traveling companion and I have been having some really good conversations, when I mean good, I mean deep and insightful. I have never been that "so what do you think about the weather" kind of guy. This can be a good thing, or it can be a bad thing. When I am with a person that likes to talk about deep meaningful and insightful things we have a great conversation, a conversation that continues to build and form even after it is over. When I am with a "so what do you think about the weather" person, I tend to aggravate them. 

The person (I will name him Bill, just to give the story more flavor) will say, "So Roger, what do you think about the weather?"

I will say, "Oh, I think it is quite nice, don't you?"

Bill will often reply, "Yes, I love a beautiful day, and aren't the clouds nice?"

This is usually where things derail.

I will say something to the effect of, "Yes, I really like clouds. Tell me do you like clouds, and which cloud is your favorite? I really don't have a favorite:

There are times when a nice Cirrus Cloud really makes me smile, and there are times when an Altocumulus cloud does the trick, Cumulus clouds are like a pillow and those stratocumulus clouds are amazing. 

Did you know, there are three different kinds of Cirrus clouds?

There are Cirrocumulus, they are high clouds with a puffy, patchy appearance and small spaces between the clouds. they often form wavy patterns. 

There are Cirrostratus clouds, these are the high clouds that are light gray, or white, they are thin though, and you can see the Sun or moon through them. They usually cover most of the sky.

There are Altocumulus clouds, these are the middle clouds that have a puffy patchy appearance with spaces in between, they look like cotton balls. 

There are Alto......Bill, where did you go?"

I wonder where Bill went!

That is what usually happens to my "so what do you think about the weather" conversations.

When I told this to my traveling companion, she said, "Roger, I love you, but you really can be a jerk sometimes!" 

I just smiled, and gave her that ya, I know look; because it was true. 

We are still in the forest.

The path isn't scary, it is quite pretty. It curved up ahead and never let us look too far ahead. I realize now it was training me to not be so "far future" focused. I have gotten better at being in the here and now. It is good to look a bit into the future, but not too far. It is much better to be present in the here and now. That is where we are living. 

We no longer live in the past, and we don't live in the future.  

We live in the here and now. This is where life is. 

We had stumbled into an open spot, and I was really quite proud of myself. While it was possible to look way ahead on the path, I didn't. I noticed the openness of the area and the ability to look way ahead. I took a quick glance but didn't stay there. I averted my gaze to a point in the near future and looked at that. All the while maintaining my present self. 

That was a good moment.

If I can say anything to you at all it is this, "don't focus on far future things, it is a mirage. Definitely, don't focus on the past, it is dead and gone. Live in the here and now, this is where life is." 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

I am in the forest. If I end up in "The Wizard of Oz" movie I will just freakout!

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I am in the trees, it turns out it is a forest. It is not an ominous feeling forest, in fact, it feels pretty nice. It is an old forest with large trees and a few younger ones intermixed; an old-growth forest, not a second or third-growth forest. This is a forest that anyone from the Pacific Northwest can visualize. There is space between the trees, the undergrowth has grass and ferns, and there is even fungus among us, which is just another way of saying, there are mushrooms growing everywhere. 

I love mushrooms but I would never pick and eat a mushroom, I would die. Hmmm...I hadn't thought of that method before. Maybe...? Nope, I am not adding that to the list. My list is long enough, and besides I am in a better place and looking forward not behind. 

I am beginning to wonder if the forest just ends abruptly, or if there is a meadow in the middle of it?

Now that has me thinking.

Ok, so if you ever wonder what the difference is between thinking and pondering, it is this; "thinking" is having something in your brain for a moment or two and then moving on. Pondering takes more effort. Pondering requires intentionality, it can take a bit of time but you are still present to the world around you. Now if I get to perseverating, that is as different from pondering as pondering is from thinking/wondering about something. Perceverating takes effort. The world fades away and I am just cranking away on a particular thought. It can be a good thing if I am perseverating on a positive thought, and my heart is light. It can be a bad thing if I am perseverating on a negative thought. It is flat dangerous if something scary and bad comes into focus. 

This is why I am focusing on the future and not the past. 

Anyway, I am starting to wonder if I will come to a meadow, or if I come to a witch's house. If I come to a cornfield with a talking scarecrow I will just freak out. Being stuck in The Wizard of Oz would just be awful. Talk about crazy, that world was just nuts. Just thinking about the possibility makes me laugh.

I wonder what the forest will bring?

I wonder what the future holds?

As I drive the car of life down the road of life, I seldom get to see what God is up to. he doesn't run things by me, He doesn't ask my opinion. It is like He is the boss or something. It is only when I glance in the rearview mirror that I see what He has been up to. The only problem with this is, I can't drive the car of life down the road of life staring into the rearview mirror, I will run into a tree! I did that already, I was focused on the bad of the past, looking past God and how he has been involved in my life and I ran into the proverbial tree. I almost killed myself by staring in my rearview mirror! I am staring intently out of the windshield; this requires faith. 

Right now I am walking contently in the forest.

This got me to wondering, which of course got me to pondering.

Where are you walking?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

The path goes directly into the trees.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

My companion and I have been walking on dry ground for a while now. It isn't as scary as it was, since we now have some distance between us and the mud. I really do have to thank my travelling partner, they have kept me safe and I have not slipped back into the mud, even though I tried hard to a couple of times. 

We are on that flat ground with a nice path, green grass on both sides. The smell of the flowers in the meadow lifts our spirits. But the meadow is coming to an end. 

The path goes directly into the trees. 

I am not sure if this is going to be a grove of trees or a deep dark forest, I cannot see the forest for the trees, it is a mystery to me. 

I am getting better at focusing on the future and not looking back into the past. The tapes are almost completely silent at the moment. I hear a little murmuring in the background but that is all, no audible words are heard.

I had done my Chappy work with Betty, it was harder than expected. I think we were both emotionally spent by the time we finished. I have taken the list she made of the old horrible tapes that would assault her inner child self; the one that can't fight back. I am going to burn that list in the fire.   

I am sending that list back to the hell it came from!

Betty has a new list now. That list is full of all the beautiful wonderful things that the grownup Betty has told to the child Betty. 

The list was hard for her to write. She had a hard time at first separating her adult self from her child self. I had to resort to an old trick of pulling out a picture of another kid and told her to say all those horrible things to that kid. She told me no, that she would refuse to do that.

I said ok, what would you say to that kid? That got her writing. Once she got to writing she was able to transfer to her child self and separate her adult self from her child self.

This is what she wrote:

• You are beautiful!
• You are smart!
• You are funny!
• You are a great sister!
• You are an awesome friend!

She paused and said, I can't think of anything else to tell this little girl.

I asked if I could add a couple of things?

Betty said, "Yes."

So I added:

• You are going to grow up to be a great mom, a wonderful wife!
• You are going to grow up and positively impact many kids, showing them the love they didn't get at home! 
• You are gifted!
• I love you!

I then asked her to look at the picture of her as a child and tell that child what she wrote, what that child always needed to hear. 

Betty did.

I then asked Betty to tell that little girl those things again, only this time with emotion behind the words. I want you to mean it. 

Betty did.

I have to tell you it was a cry fest!

I took the old list and kept it.

She took the new list and it is never to be apart from her. 

Whenever the evil voices come back she is to read that list to her inner child self. And fight for that kid!

Just telling you about it is hard. 

We talked about not looking back. 

We talked about looking into the future.

She said, "The future is scary. I don't know what will happen."

I told her something a friend told me once, "The definition of depression is, 'Something bad has happened and it is never going to get better; there is no hope.' The definition of anxiety is, 'something bad is about to happen and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it."

Depression is bad and Anxiety sucks.

I told her to focus on the good things in the future, the things she is looking forward to. 

I told her not to dwell on the bad things that could happen.

I gave her my life verse, "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." (Col 3:1-2)

In the words of Dr. Shaw, "Roger, you already know all this stuff, you just need to eat your own dog food."

I think Betty is in a better space now. there is obviously more work to be done, but at least now she has some weapons to use against the evil one. 

The problem with the mud is when you get stuck in it, you forget. You forget who you belong to and what your purpose is. 

We are headed to the trees, that is where our path is taking us. I don't know if it is a grove or a forest. I do know that I cannot see the other side. 

I am glad I have my travelling companion, I think between the two of us we will be just fine.

Where are you on your journey? 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Betty called me to talk about "Fancy Shoe People."

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I have found out a few things since I started writing again. 

1. People are reading my Breads all over the world.
2. I am hitting a nerve. I am getting a lot of conversational mileage with people from them.
3. My family is reading my thoughts as well. This explains the sudden appearance of little kid scissors, and the disappearance of any sharp object in my house. Have you ever tried to open an Amazon package with kiddy scissors? This will cause all sorts of tapes to play, just say-in.

People are talking about different Breads, as different Breads hit them differently.

My sister Betty (not her real name, but a story always goes better with a name attached). Anyone who knows my sister will know why I named her Betty. She giggles like a certain cartoon character. 

Anyway, Betty called me to talk about "Fancy Shoe People." How she knows that they are trying to help but just take you deeper into the mud. 

Betty is a typical Button. She is very hard on herself. If she is being honest she will say that when she walks into a room she feels as if she is the worst, most vile, sinful person there. And depending on the room, if I am to be honest, she very well may be, but other than being in a room full of newborns I doubt she is. 

Betty is a wonderful person, who does many wonderful things. I have known Betty for most of my life, literally, most of my life. She has always had my back, even during the worst of me, and I will always have hers. 

I know that when she looks in the mirror, she sees a stranger looking back. A face that tells her lies, a face that makes her want to put a mask on. 

I am going to have to do some Chappy work with my sister when I go see her. 

I am going to sit her down at a table, just her and me. I am going to give her a pen and paper and ask her to write all the negative, bad things that the person in her head tells her, yells at her, screams sometimes. I will ask her to give me the paper, and I will read it and then give it back. 

After she finishes writing down all those horrible, hateful things; I am going to put a picture of her as a little girl in front of her. 

I will tell her to take a good hard look at that little girl. 

I am then going to ask her if she would ever tell that little girl any of those horrible things? 

I know Betty won't be able to do that.

I know Betty would never tell that little girl that:

• She is ugly
• She is fat
• She is a loser
• A waste of a life
• A horrible person
• Stupid
• A terrible friend
• A bad sister....

I am then going to ask her, "If she would never tell her little self those things, then why would she tell her big self those things?" 

You see, it isn't the grown-up self those tapes lie to. It is our inner little self, the one that can't fight back. 

I am then going to give Betty a new piece of paper.

I am going to ask her to look at that little girl again and write down all the good things she sees in her. All the things she wished she had heard as a child.

• She is beautiful
• She is smart
• She is funny
• She is a great sister
• She is an awesome friend
• She is going to grow up to be a great mom, a wonderful wife.
• She is going to grow up and positively impact many kids, showing them the love they didn't get at home 

I am then going to take the bad paper away and tell her to keep the good paper. 

Whenever those tapes start to play, she is to take out that piece of paper and tell that little girl all the great things she sees in her. All the good things she is. 

I am going to remind her that this is how I see her; this is how Christ sees her. 

Yep, when I go see my little sister, that is what I am going to do.

I am going to keep writing these Breads. They are painful to write, and they make me confront horrible thoughts, but you know what, they also create space for people to talk to me about stuff that they have been living in pain with for a long time, some for most of their lives. 

I am going to keep writing these Breads, because Betty is worth it.

I love you Betty! 

Blessings,

Your brother Roger

A little Cat Stevens

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I'm looking for a hard headed woman
One who'll take me for myself
And if I find my hard headed woman
I won't need nobody else, no no no!

I'm looking for a hard headed woman
One who'll make me do my best
and if I find my hard headed woman
I know the rest of my life will be blessed

Laurie and I went to visit Neffery and Jazmin in the hospital yesterday. Neffery is in ICU and is having a hard time. He is fighting hard, Jazmin is right there with him fighting hard too. We sat with Jazmin for a good long while; a good long while in Chaplain terms. One thing a person must learn if they are to be an effective chaplain is, to know when to go. You show up, be present, and go before you wear out your welcome. 

So often, people will come to visit someone in the hospital, and the person laying in the bed ends up "hosting" the visitor, making them feel better about being in front of someone in pain. If I can give any advice it is this, "Don't make the person in the hospital bed responsible for your feelings." They have enough to worry about without putting that on them.

If Neffery and Jazmin come to mind, say a prayer for them, I know they would appreciate it.

After our visit, Laurie and I were in the car, I was driving, and Hard Headed Woman came on the radio. 

I said, "I think I found my hard headed woman."

Laurie replied, "Yep."

I know a lot of fancy dancers

Yes, people who can glide you on a floor

They move so smooth but have no answers

When you ask them "What d'you come here for?"

"I don't know."

"Why?"

Yes, I have known fancy dancers. Those tapes play in my head too. Oh, they talk so smoothly but cut you like a knife. 

Why did I ever listen to fancy dancers? I will spend time thinking about that one. Not what they said, that would be looking back, and looking back brings dangerous scary things back into my head. No, I won't perseverate on what they said, but rather, why I ever listened. 

I know many fine feathered friends

But their friendliness depends on how you do

They know many sure fired ways to find the one who pays

And how you do

When I went off to college I found many fine feathered friends, we called them hanger-oners. These "friends" are a big reason I ended up in the Navy. I must admit my radar is ranged pretty far out on these people. 

I'm looking for a hard-headed woman

One who makes me feel so good

And if I find my hard-headed woman

I know my life will be as it should

When you get unstuck and make it to dry ground, your feelings come back, you're not so numb. 

I have my hard-headed woman. And my life is as it should. 

Do you have your hard-headed person in your life?

If you do, are you grateful?

If you don't keep looking, they are out there looking for you.

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

 

Laurie looked over and said, "Oh my God you're crying?" I replied, "No I'm not, it's allergies!"

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Laurie and I watched "A man called Otto " last night.

The movie is 126 minutes long, and I only cried during the movie for roughly 124 minutes. When I say cried, I mean that bad kind of crying; the kind that makes you look ugly and funny all at the same time. I had snot running down my face and I was making those horrible crying sounds that you make when you "Snot Cry." 

Yes, I was snot crying.

Laurie looked over and said, "Oh my God you're crying?"

I replied, "No I'm not, it's allergies!"

She was sitting in my special shoulder chair, the one I slept in after shoulder replacement surgery. 

I was sitting on the couch, with a horrible case of Otto fever (That is the name I gave to my new allergy). 

Laurie got up and sat next to me. She held me as I cried. 

It was horrible. Not the Laurie holding me part, but me burying my head in her should crying, then looking up at the movie only to have another bought of allergies. This went on throughout the entire movie. 

I was so glad when the movie ended. I was spent.

I don't know why the movie made me cry or why I reacted so emotionally to it. I am sure that as I walk down the dirt path, God will make it apparent to me why.

My snot cry came out of nowhere, if I had known that I would be affected this way by the movie, there is no way I would have watched it; kind of like a telemarketer, if I had known it was Mike from AT&T trying to sell me something, I would never had answered the phone, ending up in an argument with God, and sending me down the whole "I am so glad you called, I promise I will listen intently to whatever you have to say; I may even buy whatever it is you have to sell if first, you will allow me to pray with you and tell you the good news of Jesus Christ" escapade! 

The last time I had something like this happen was 1-year after my mom died. 

I had been so busy being a chaplain to my family after her death that I never really grieved my loss. 

The funny thing about the grieving process is that you can't jump ahead and skip parts. Another funny thing about the grieving process is, it is not linear. You can go back and forth during the process until your open wound becomes a scar that you can look at but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. 

God is good at the grieving process, He has lots of practice. 

I was at a chaplain training, getting more CEC's. We were discussing death notifications and role-playing and practicing. Right in the middle of the role play, in front of 30+ chaplains, I had what I now call an Otto Fever allergy attack. Yes, I started crying right in front of everyone, not just crying but ugly snot crying. 

I was grieving my mother, right in front of all these people. Looking back, I guess if I had to have an Otto Fever allergy attack in front of a group of people, having it in front of a group of chaplains isn't such a bad thing. I mean, I could have had it in front of my Navy peeps. They would have just looked at me and said, "Eat the pain." 

It is funny what is stuck in my head. I have tapes that play that I can hear, and I have tapes that play that are silent, but boy, oh boy, I can really feel them. Those silent ones can be the most painful of all. 

One of the hardest parts of the movie was when Sofie and Otto are sitting in the car after he graduated from college with his engineering degree (I know if it wasn't for Sofie he would never have graduated).

Otto is sitting in the driver's seat, Sofie is in the passenger seat sitting beside him, and before he starts the car Otto says, "Maybe we should get married."

Sofie just looks at him and says, "Ask me right."

I found myself bawling in Laurie's lap. Anybody that knows Laurie and me has heard our story. 

She said the same thing to me. 

I had mentioned that maybe we should get married, and she said, "Ask me right."

I just realized why I had such an Otto Allergy attack!

The movie starts with Otto trying to commit suicide, and as the movie plays out it is because he is so alone and lonely. 

He misses his Sofie.

My close friends have known for some time that my biggest fear is dying alone. Not that I don't like solitude, I love solitude. I am a raging introvert. 

Solitude is different than being alone. 

Being alone hurts, at least it hurts me. 

My tapes tell me I am alone, but they lie.

I am not alone, no far from it. I have a lot of people around me that are hell-bent on not letting me fall back into the mud. 

It is good to sit and figure out why I cry. My traveling companion tells me to keep the focus on the future, not the past. 

I can't change the past, but I can sure affect the future.

Does any of this stuff resonate with you? Do you ever think about this stuff?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Do you remember the movie "The Ring?"

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter, don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store.

Tennessee Ernie Ford

We had Y-Day last Friday. 

If you don't know what Y-Day is, it is a day (well isn't that perceptive of me!). Yes, it is a day, but it is also a time when we close down the entire association and come together as a YMCA family.

Y-Days are a lot of work, and by the end of the day, "Sixteen tons" was playing in my head! 

This particular Y-Day happened to fall on Cinco De Mayo. For the life of me, I can't figure out why Cinco De Mayo always seems to fall on May 5th? I am pretty fluent in Spanish but this one alludes me. 

I will have to ask Frederick the Great, I am sure he knows, He attended New Mexico State University and is always talking about Cervezas.

Anyway, back to Y-Day. 

As I wandered around watching leadership work their butts off Friday, I tried to work my butt off once, but it kept showing back up, Uggg. I was looking intently at boots.

I could not help but see a lot of muddy boots in the room. 

Another thing I was looking at was people's eyes. You can tell a lot about a person by their eyes. 

You can:

• Tell if they are stuck in the mud and can't get out yet.
• Tell if they are unstuck, but still trudging alone in the mud.
• Tell if they are trudging in the mud, but have someone walking with them.
• Tell if they are on dry ground and started down the path home.
• You can tell if they are looking at your boots too.

Yes, you can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes. 

I was pretty busy all day but I did manage to check in with my traveling companion. The statement was made, "Most people can't even tell if you are having a bad day. They just think you are funny and happy." 

I have a pretty good mask. Obviously, not good enough. People close to me can still see right through it!

It was around 1:30 pm when my buddy Matt looked at me and started to laugh. 

I said, "What's so funny?"

He said, "You!"

I just looked at him. He said, "You are completely done with people right now, in fact, you have been done with people since 1 pm. I saw the shift in your eyes as it happened."

I said, "Really, you saw it."

He replied, "Don't worry, nobody has figured you out yet."

It is good to have Matt around, he helps keep me in check. 

He was right though. I am an ok chaplain and counselor, I can sit with a person until the cows come home. What kills me is crowds, they drain me. 

It is like I go from being a Prius and great gas mileage to being a 1969 Corvette with a half-inch fuel line that gets 4 miles to the gallon. I can watch my fuel gauge just drop right before my eyes. 

When I get tired, the tapes get louder. 

When I get tired, my responses get duller. 

When I get tired, things get scary. 

I am still on the path, thanks to my friends. The mud is still right there, I see trees ahead of me and the path appears to go into the trees and away from the mud. 

I will continue to look forward.

I glanced back once; remember the movie "The Ring?" It was a horror movie where this apparition climbs out of the T.V. at the person. That is what it feels like when I glance back. The apparition climbing out of the T.V. is my tapes. 

Just the thought of it makes me shiver. 

During Y-Day, I was able to have conversations with people about muddy boots. I had a number of people from Y-Day ask for my bread. I will continue to write, in the hope of helping someone out there heal. 

Oh and if you can figure out why Cinco De Mayo always falls on May 5th , please let me know, it is bugging me!

Blessings,

Roger

Having a traveling partner is comforting. I feel safer, and not so alone on this journey.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I am just walking along, singing a song

Oh we ain't got a barrel of money

Maybe were raggedy and funny

But we'll travel along, singing a song

Side by side.

We don't know what's coming tomorrow

Maybe it's trouble and sorrow

But we will travel the road, sharing our load

Side by side 

Dean Martin

I wish I knew how to sing on key.

My traveling partner is doing their best to stay upbeat and positive, but it is kind of hard when someone is singing and it sounds like a cat in a dryer.

Actually, I have no idea what a cat in a dryer would sound like, but I bet it is pretty awful.

I slipped a couple of times, but my companion was there to catch me. 

I got scared once but was reassured it was not a real danger.  

I was talking with a friend who gave me a great definition and the difference between Anxiety and Depression.

Depression is the belief that something bad happened and there is no hope.

Anxiety is the belief that something bad is about to happen and there is nothing I can do about it. 

Having one of these is bad enough; having them both is horrible.

Those two tapes can and have wreaked havoc on me. 

Those two tapes have caused me a lot of pain.

Those two tapes are one of the main reasons I don't look back. 

Have I had bad things happen to me in my life? Of course I have, it is called living. 

I just need to keep reassuring myself that, that was then, this is now. I am not in the same place, those people are not here, and I have people beside me that have my back.

The funny thing about the tapes that play in your head is that they never really go away. You just need to answer them differently and call them out as a lie. 

I am working on that, and my companion is beside me, helping me do that. 

Have I slipped,? yes, of course, I have. It is like learning to walk again. But someone was there to catch me.

Have I gotten scared? Yes, of course, I have. This is a scary journey. But someone was there to reassure me that I was safe.

Have I cried? Yes, of course, I have. I am still sad. But someone was there to just let me cry, so I didn't cry alone.

But I am back on the path, looking forward intently. 

I think I will be ok. At least, that is what Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor tells me. 

FYI-he is still a pain in the butt though, just say-in. 

Blessings,

Roger

 

I found a traveling partner.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I found a traveling partner.

I asked and they said yes.

I am starting my journey down the path, trying my best not to look at the mud; keeping my eyes forward, focused on the path.

For many years I was a motorcycle guy, I guess I was a motorcyclist, but that just sounds houty-toughty to me.

One thing you learn riding a motorcycle is not to look directly at the obstacle you want to avoid. No, you look at the place you want to go and ride there. If you focus on the obstacle you will ride right over it, or into it, that never ends well. 

So, I am keeping my eyes forward, focused on the path.

My traveling partner is right here with me, watching me intently, making sure I don't slip; making sure I focus on the future and not on the past, holding me steady so I don't slip back into the mud. 

Having a traveling partner is comforting. I feel safer, and not so alone on this journey.

I am a canoeist, well doesn't that sound houty-toughty!

Ok, I am a guy who owns a canoe.

Actually, I own two canoes; one is a tandem canoe and one is a solo canoe.

There are times that I like to canoe alone. 

There are times I like to walk alone.

Today is not that day, I am not sure when that day will come, but hopefully, someday,  I will be able to canoe alone, at least for a short time. 

Hopefully, someday, I will be able to walk alone, at least for a short time. 

But, I shouldn't get ahead of myself. After all, I am just starting down the path that will lead to home.  

I am just grateful that I have someone that has my back. 

I know the healing process will be slow, but I also know that it can happen; I have seen it happen to others. 

It is my prayer that somehow, somewhere, someone is reading these bits of ramblings and is finding hope and a future out of them. 

I guess that is why I am putting myself out there, in hopes of helping someone. 

Have you ever put yourself out there for the sole reason to help someone? 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

You have got to be kidding me!

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

You have got to be kidding me!

I made it to dry ground only to find the path parallels the mud bog for as long as the eyes can see.

When I say parallels, I mean it is right next to the mud. One wrong step and I am right back in the mud.

I got unstuck, I almost said that I got myself unstuck, but that would not be true. I had a lot of help along the way. People didn't leave me there, no they stood right beside me until I was able to pull free and start my trudge. They trudged alongside me, going at the pace that I needed to go; letting me talk it out. They listened to me talk, not making sense most of the time, not getting insulted or making it about them. 

They listened mostly.

They interjected occasionally.

They even called me on my crap when I needed to have my crap called on! Never in a shame-based way, no with love in their words. 

Truth with love is a hard thing to master, yet they did. 

I made it to dry ground and find myself looking down a precarious path, 

A path full of hope.

A path with a future.

A path that is right next to the mud. 

I had hoped that it would lead directly away from the mud, but no that is not the case. My path seems to still have danger involved.

The tapes are distant.

The voices are muted. But they are still there.

One of my strengths is context. 

I have always looked to the past to see the future (a trait that would drive Darryl nuts, he is a futurist at least until we realized that I had context and he had futurist in his top five. If you don't know what I am saying, just stay tuned I will talk about that one of these days)

I am making the conscious decision to not look back when it comes to my life and the tapes that play.

I have found that the history of my life, and the tapes that play about it, don't line up.

The tapes have been a big fat lie!

I found that out, by talking with the people that I love, the ones that I feel safe with. 

They were the ones that pointed out the disparities between the tapes, the voices, and the history of my life. 

I am not looking back, only forward. I have different responses ready for if the tapes come back, the voices that try to tell me what a waste I am, and that my life never mattered. 

But I am right next to the mud, and it would be easy to slip, to fall right back into it, and become stuck.

I need to find a friend that will walk this path with me, at least until there is more space between the path and the mud. 

I need to find a friend to walk with me, just for a little while anyway. To remind me to just look forward. to remind me that those tapes, those voices are a lie. 

I have a few people in mind, and I will ask them if they are willing and able to help.

As we talked the other day, I noticed that the mud bog was a lot more crowded than I had first noticed.

Who knows, maybe you were in there with me? 

Or are there still. 

Find someone to come alongside you. 

They are there, you just need the courage to look.

If you are in the mud, look for help.

If you have made it out of the mud, and see a friend who is stuck, go help them. 

These are the things I ponder. 

Blessings,

Roger

 

  

 

Go find a person with muddy boots!

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Think I am standing on dry ground!

I know that I am on the edge of dry ground and the mud is right behind me, but hey, I found dry ground!

I am scared to look behind me. The voices are faint and unintelligible. I am afraid to look behind me because they may come rushing forward and pull me back in. 

I told Laurie, "I know I am a context person, but I am not looking back; only forward from now on.  

I also know that I could not have done it without all the people in my life that came alongside me in such a wonderful, powerful way and helped me while I was trudging through the mud.

The last week and a half have been quite an experience. 

I would say, last week was a hell of a month.

I was angry, emotional, up, down, and somewhere in the middle. 

I often wonder if anyone else ever has a week like that, or am I the only one?

Darryl and I were headed back to the Clark YMCA after an open, honest, authentic, V.P. meeting, in which Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor is also in attendance. 

When I say we had a V.P. meeting that was open, honest, and authentic, what I am really saying is, there was some yelling, and some crying (Mostly from Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor, he is such a drama queen!). Well maybe I teared up a bit too, but I will never admit it. Samantha shared some financial information, God bless her. She is so nice, she even wakes us up after she finishes. 

All I have to say is, financial discussions are so invigorating!

Anyway, Darryl and I were driving back to Clark in his mid-life crisis car, complaining about life, and everything in it. Then all of a sudden traffic came to a halt. If you have ever driven through Portland Oregon during rush hour you know that a thirty-minute drive can turn into a 3-4 hour drive at the drop of a hat.

I looked at Darryl and said, " Oh great, now we aren't going to get back to the Y until after 6pm!

Darryl looked over at me and said, "I know I've got!"

I said, "Me too!"

Darry responded, "I, you, drive!"

I couldn't take it any longer and I yelled, "Complete sentences Darryl, COMPLETE SENTENCES!!"

When a Sasquatch gets really angry they can't complete a sentence to save their life, which is really aggravating to the listener, just say-in. 

We were crawling along for about 30 minutes when all of a sudden we came to the scene of a bad accident. The car was flipped onto its roof, people were standing around crying, and other people had already stopped and were rendering aid. The fire trucks and ambulances weren't even there yet. 

Darryl gets silent for a moment, as we passed the wreck, and then looked over at me and said, "You know what? 

I said, "What."

He said, "Our lives aren't that bad, they could be a lot worse."

I just looked at him and said, "You know what, you are absolutely right. My life is not that bad."

Darryl said, "Roger, no it isn't. You have a lot of people that love you, including me, and know that I have your back."

All of a sudden, the mud just got a lot less sticky.

Once we passed the accident there was very little traffic, funny how blocking a road will limit the number of cars on it after the blockage. 

We got back to the Y and I walked to my office and what do I see!

Someone had put this on my door!

I bet it was Esmerelda.

I don't know if you can see it or not, but there is scripture on the door as well. 1 Samuel 14:7, "I am with you all the way."

This scripture is from when Jonathan wanted to get a closer look at the Philistine army, a suicide mission all the way, and his armor bearer knowing full well that they would die if they went said, "I am with you all the way."

I ask you; how can anyone stay trudging in the mud when they have so many people that are not only trudging through the mud with them but won't let them go.

This was the last straw, it broke the suction of the mud and I was able to step onto dry ground.

Muddy boot people are the best people ever.

Go find a person with muddy boots!

Have a great day!

Blessings,

Roger