Wonder Woman is a busy duck!

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I am feeling pretty good this morning. 

I had a good day yesterday, I felt that I had helped people; whether it was finding last-minute volunteers, listening to people that were hurting, or helping hang a whiteboard. Well, helping is a loose term.

For most of my life, when I was standing near a wall, I tended to lean on it. People would say, mostly my dad would say, "Holding up the wall are we?" 

I would always respond, "Yes, yes I am!"

It wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I had been practicing all these years!

Yesterday, Darryl was hanging a large whiteboard in his office. Actually, I bought the whiteboard for him, I am still not sure if he wanted a whiteboard or not, but I bought him one anyway. 

I was helping!

It is a fairly large whiteboard, 4'x10', and quite heavy. Heavy enough that Darryl and I realized just how heavy it was and we obviously needed help hanging it that I said, "This is really heavy, we need to get some girls to lift it."

We stopped what we were doing and I went and got Wonder Woman! 

I bet you didn't know that Wonder Woman worked at our YMCA, well guess what, she does. 

Not only does she run the Clark County YMCA, but she is also currently the site director for our Child Development Center, doing community development in a town in Oregon so one day another YMCA will be in it, a member of multiple service clubs, and still has time to be a great wife and a wonderful mother. She is a bit competitive, a trait that she has passed on to one of her daughters, you don't want to play basketball against that daughter, she will eat you for lunch. 

Wonder Woman is a busy duck! She lives off of hard-boiled eggs and Almonds, Wasabi & Soy Sauce almonds. She doesn't have time to eat real food. 

So I went to get Wonder Woman. She lifted the whiteboard While Darryl screwed in the self-tapping screws.

My job was to ensure the whiteboard did not fall off the hangers attached to the wall and fall to the ground. A job that I had realized I had been practicing for all my life. 

As you can see, all that practice made me quite good at holding up that whiteboard. It was a tough job, but somebody had to do it. 

You can get a glimpse of Wonder Woman holding the whiteboard, while we guys did the hard work!

Yesterday was a good day.

I slept better, I remembered to take my boots off before going to bed. I woke up before the alarm, thus, managing to duck a blow to the head. 

Somehow I feel close to the edge of the mud bog, I think I can see dry ground. It will be good to be on dry ground again. 

The tapes still play, but not as loud this morning. More muffled and farther away. 

When the tapes a muffled, and far away, it gives me hope. 

I feel that I have a hope and a future. 

I am looking forward to today. 

I just want to say, "If you are trudging through the mud, and can't see the dry ground yet, have faith and keep trudging, you will get there. If you start to get tired and need someone to trudge with you, find someone with muddy boots, they will gladly trudge with you because they know what it is like to trudge through mud. Stay away from fancy shoe people is my only warning. they may want to help, but they can't."

Are you trudging through the mud? And if so do you need someone to trudge with you?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

It will be good to get these boots off, my feet a starting to smell!

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I woke up this morning after a hard night of restless sleep. 

I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard night sleeping until I looked down and saw that I went to bed with my boots on.

Yep, they were muddy boots. 

I really have to figure out a way to get out of the mud before Laurie starts making sleep outside again. 

The trudging is getting a bit easier since I have become honest and vulnerable about the darkness that is my mind, and the mean, nasty tapes that tell me what a worthless piece of (well you fill in the blank) I am. 

I have learned a few things lately.

I have learned that people love me and want the best for me. 

I have learned that people find value in me.

Best of all, I have learned that there are people in my life that have my back!

When I say that someone has my back, I need to unpack that statement a bit. 

People have different definitions and ideas about having one's back, so I better explain to you what I mean when I say "I have your back." It is a safety thing, a trust thing, I need to know that people will have my back the same way I have theirs if I am to let them in and truly help me. 

Here is how I have learned to define it. I learned it in the military. 

I like to say that I had a lot of fun when I was young. 

I usually say this after someone asks, "Just exactly how many surgeries have you had?"

When I reply, "10 so far"

They just look at me and say "Oh my god that is a lot."

I say, "I had a lot of fun when I was young."

Granted, some surgeries were from sports, and others were from other things.

I am not going to talk about what I did or how I got hurt during my time serving my country.

I will say this about the team I was on. 

I knew that I was coming home. 

I knew that I was coming home, or they would die trying to get me home.

They knew that they were coming home, or I would die trying to get them home.

They knew that if they were drowning and I was trying to get them to the surface, I would either get them there or drown with them.

I would not let go.

I knew that if I was drowning (something that I do not recommend, it isn't much fun) they would get me to the surface or drown trying to get me there.

They would not let go.

It didn't matter if we got into a fight the night before. It did not matter if I was mad at them or they were mad at me. When it came to having my back, there was no doubt.

They had my back, and I had theirs.

It is amazing what a team can do when they know that no matter what happens, they are one and that no one will leave or forsake them. 

I had brought this mentality forward to chaplaincy. 

If I came alongside someone, they knew I had their back. I didn't give up, I wouldn't leave them.

As one of our Executive Directors likes to say (I would like to give this person a name, but I haven't decided what name to use yet), "Long story short."

I will give this my little twist, "Long story longer."

Once I became vulnerable and honest about the darkness in my mind, I had a number of people very close to me say that they have my back.

When they said they had my back, I told them my definition of "having one's back."

Do you know what they said?

They said, "Yes, exactly."

Another little nugget; it is impossible to feel alone when you know that you have people that have your back. 

As I said earlier, "It is amazing what a person can do when they know somebody has their back.

I am still trudging through the mud, but for the first time, I can see dry ground.

It will be good to get these boots off, my feet a starting to smell!

The question that I have is, "Do you have somebodies back? Do you know that somebody has your back?"

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

I am a bit tired, the middle of the night comes pretty early these days.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

How are you feeling today? 

I am a bit tired, the middle of the night comes pretty early these days.

I have a friend who seems to be making a habit of going to the hospital lately, I am going to have to tell him that a hospital is not a hotel and to find a better hobby!

He is making me talk to God a lot, just sayin. 

I have been having some fun conversations lately, mostly around what I have been sharing.

I was talking with a friend, just yesterday, on the subject of suicide. 

He said, "I thought I would just drink myself to death. That way it wouldn't be so direct. people wouldn't realize it was intentional."

I had never thought of this method before. How to commit suicide without anyone actually realizing you committed suicide.

I think that is why he is still with us. The fact that he didn't want to have his loved ones think he actually wanted to leave kept him around long enough to get over the idea. 

Another way of looking at it is, deep down he knew he was loved.

Next week is Y-Day!

Y-Day is a time when we shut down the entire association and come together as one team. 

It is a cultural thing.

We come together to celebrate one another. There are trainings and activities. 

In our Association we like to say, "Of all the things we do; the one thing we do best is love on people."

Yet, the one thing we have the hardest time doing is to love one another.  

We need to get better at that.

So every Y-Day, along with all the other things we are doing, is to have what we call, "Grace in the Workplace."

Y-Day has 2 main objectives:

1. If we are going to bring everyone to one location, and ask them to drive across town to come together,  and close the association for the entire day. We have to respect them for it. We need to respect their time, and respect the fact that they made the commitment to be here. 
2. We need to help them learn to love on each other. It is only by learning to love each other can we become good at loving our community.

We don't have to be perfect to accomplish this. We don't have to have all our stuff "together."

No, I expect to see plenty of muddy boots at Y-Day. I may even see someone who is stuck in the mud.

The one thing that this whole experience has taught me, is that while I may be trudging through the mud, it doesn't mean I can't walk beside someone else who is trudging through the mud too.

It is an amazing feeling when you know someone is with you, that they have your back. 

You can go through just about anything, it is amazing what you can accomplish when you know someone has your back. 

Maybe I will talk about this more tomorrow. 

Yes, I am feeling like talking about what it means to have your back, especially when walking through the mud.

Have a great day, and remember one thing.

Oh, I don't care what it is, just remember it!

Blessings,

Roger

Do you have muddy boots, or are you a fancy shoe person?

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

It is a good thing I am a morning person!

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor has added another request. He has requested that I write my daily musings again; I know I already told you this, but in the words of Padme, "Roger, you are a great listener. Your retention leaves..." Oh, I forgot what she said. 

Anyway, as I said, it is a good thing I am a morning person. The only time left in the day for me to be remotely coherent and make any sense at all is to write first thing in the morning. It isn't like I didn't already have a morning routine, and it isn't like I can give up something of this morning routine to replace it with writing time, or is there?

Let's see.

Pre-writing routine:

• Alarm goes off.
• Laurie hits me on the head and says, "Your alarm is going off."
• I throw off the covers and sing, "It's a beautiful Day in the neighborhood.
• Ben (our dog starts to sing with me, which amounts to barking).
• Laurie yells at us.
• I stumble out of bed.
• Put on my slippers.
• Go to the kitchen, turn on the lights, and make coffee. 
• Go to the bathroom.
• The tapes start playing in my head.
• Spend time with God.
• Take a shower.
• Get dressed.
• Make my protein shake.
• Kiss my wife goodbye, which wakes her up again.
• Pet the dog.
• Leave for the "Y."

Post-writing routine:

Alarm goes off. (This can't change)

Laurie hits me on the head and says, "Your alarm is going off." (This won't change)

I throw off the covers and sing, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. (This could change, but why)

Ben (our dog starts to sing with me, which amounts to barking). (This will only change if I stop singing)

Laurie yells at us. (This won't change, basically because I annoy her)

I stumble out of bed. (This won't change)

Put on my slippers. (Why change this?)

Go to the kitchen, turn on the lights, and make coffee. (Can't change this, I guess I could, but if I don't go to the kitchen where would I go? If I don't turn on the lights I won't see what I am doing, I guess I could stop making coffee, but I am not sure anyone would appreciate that!)

Go to the bathroom. (I could change this, but gross)

The tapes start playing in my head. (Working on changing this)

Spend time with God. (I can't change this)

Take a shower. (I could change this, but it wouldn't be prudent; especially if I stop going to the bathroom, just sayin.)

Get dressed. (Not going to change this)

Make my protein shake. (Not going to change this)

Kiss my wife goodbye, which wakes her up again. (Not going to change this)

Pet the dog. (Not going to change this)

Leave for the "Y." (this may change once Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor reads these breads)

So you see, there really isn't anything I can change, which simply means I must get up extra early to write.

It is a good thing I am a morning person. I am up before the sun, I am up before the birds, and I get to spend more time with the moon. 

Yes, it is a good thing I am a morning person. 

Yesterday, I talked about not being stuck, but still not out of the mud yet.  

Mud is sticky, gooey, and wants to suck you in. 

It takes real effort to walk through the mud. 

It can be exhausting, painful, and lonely, but you can't stop walking, if you do, you will get sucked in again and eventually become stuck.

So I keep walking.

I cheer myself on. I say, "Just keep putting one foot in front of the other." When I get so tired I don't think I can keep going. 

I walk all day. 

From early morning to late at night, it is exhausting. 

I talk to God a lot.

I know He is listening, even though the tapes in my head say He isn't, that He doesn't care. I know He is listening and that He does care. 

I walk all day talking to God.

God keeps reminding me to look for people with muddy boots, they will help. 

I know a few muddy boots peeps; they are really cool people. 

It is a funny thing about people with muddy boots, they know how hard it is to walk through mud. And, by looking at their boots, I know that they know what they are talking about. 

There is nothing worse than having a fancy shoe person tell a muddy boots person how to walk through the mud. It is like they are standing on solid ground, dry ground, clean ground with clean shoes yelling, "Hey, just get out of the mud. Just take a few steps to your left and get out of the mud!"

They have no idea what they are talking about. Because what they can't see is a few steps to the left is a giant abyss that will suck me straight to hell.

I try my best to be cordial, but I wish they would just stop talking. 

So I look for people with muddy boots. 

Do you have muddy boots, or are you a fancy shoe person? 

Just pondering.

Blessings,

Roger

I told this to Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and he said, "Making you miserable is my job, don't do my job!"

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Let us get one thing straight right now. 

Just because I no longer feel "stuck," this doesn't mean that I have miraculously been healed, or that I have amazingly enough become light and happy! No, I still feel sad, have dark thoughts, and am not gooey inside. All this means is that I have taken a good hard look at myself, and taken a good hard look at the "tapes" that play in my head. Even though I know the tapes are complete lies and are spoken to me by the enemy, it doesn't mean that they still don't hurt me. 

My "tapes" hurt me very much. They say awful things, horrible things.

Things like:

• You are stupid.
• You are ugly.
• You are fat. 
• You have nothing of value to share.
• If people really knew you they would hate you.
• You are unlovable. 
• The world would be better off without you.

I am learning to respond with:

• I am not stupid.
• I am not ugly
• Ok, you might have me there; I do need to lose weight.
• I do have things of value to share.
• I think people really do know me, I have been writing about my life for years. 
• I am lovable.
• The world would not be better off without me.

My tapes play.

I give my new responses.

Now I just have to start believing my responses.

You see, I may not be stuck in the mud anymore, but I am still walking through the mud. I haven't made it to dry dirt yet, let alone the trail that leads to the path, and the path that leads to home. No, I am still walking through the mud!

And you get to walk through it with me! How fun is that!!

I was sitting in church yesterday and this Psalm came up.

Psalm 77

1  I cried out to God for help;
    I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
    at night I stretched out untiring hands,
    and I would not be comforted.

And I said, "Yes, exactly."

Here is the funny part. I already know how this ends. God, loves me, and I have worth. 

When it comes down to it, I really think that I just like to make myself miserable. 

I told this to Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and he said, "Making you miserable is my job, don't do my job!"

I will ponder this. 

Do you know what the best part of not being stuck in the mud is?

No really, do you know?

I am still trying to figure it out. 

I am no longer stuck, but it is still hard to walk, it takes a lot of effort. 

Thanks for walking with me, I don't think I could do this without you.

Blessings,

Roger

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor called me out!

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Just so we are clear on one thing; this is going to be an ongoing multi-blog post, a running thought stream, of where I am at, where I have been, and hopefully, where I am going. 

So, if this is not what you signed up for, you have the opportunity to leave now. I would hate for you to get to the end of this blog and go, "Well, I wasn't expecting that!"

Well actually, it is quite likely that you will get to the end of this blog and say, "Well, I wasn't expecting that!" anyway. 

I am writing all of this, in hopes of helping others that may feel the same way. I am writing this so that hopefully others will not feel so alone.

I am mostly writing this because I know it drives Frederick the Great nuts to read this stuff!

I have been suicidal for a long time. 

The fact that I have suicidal ideation does not mean I am going to "off myself " anytime soon. 

I have been depressed and sad for quite a while, and as these blogs go on I will unpack what I mean by "sad" and "depressed."

I was sitting in a bar, an Irish bar as a matter of fact with Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor. We discussed my performance objectives and some new things he would like me to take on this year. 

Anyone who has ever sat through a discussion with Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor concerning performance objectives and what he would like you to take on for the coming year understands why I would be suicidal. 

Actually, Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I get along quite well and have an open and honest dialogue. He calls me out on my stuff and I am more than happy to return the favor with him.

We were busy having wine and discussing my suicidal tendencies.

I know what you are thinking, "Oh I bet that was a riveting discussion, in fact, this blog is making me depressed." 

We finally got to the point where I admitted that I did not love or even like myself; I was "unlovable." 

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor looked at me for a moment and said, "You are nothing more than a hypocrite! Here you are, running around talking about the love of Christ, and how God loves you, and you don't even think that He loves you! Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

He went on to say, "If that is how you truly feel, why don't you just "off yourself" right now?"

I said, "I can't"

He said, "Because?"

I replied, "I don't want to hurt my family."

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor came back with, "That is so much bullshit. Don't put this on them. Don't ever put this on anyone else. This is all you!"

Now, I must admit that I sleep through most of what Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor says. He is a babbler, but this made me sit up and take notice.

I had never thought of it in those terms before. 

He said, "Roger you are a very smart man."

To which I replied, "No, I am not paying for your drink."

He just gave me that Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor look and said, "What is the real reason you are still here."

I went back and forth with him for some time before I came to the realization that in fact, I do love myself and that I am loveable. 

Am I still suicidal? Maybe, but I now see where the tapes that played in my head were really messing with me. 

I realized that I had been stuck in the mud. In the mud of lies that I told myself and that I had chosen to believe.

I am no longer stuck in the mud, but I do have muddy boots. 

I looked at Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and saw he had muddy boots too! 

I will look for people with muddy boots; they can help!

As I walk through this next Dance with God I know the dance floor will get dirty. When you dance with muddy boots you tend to leave a bit of a mess.

Thanks for listening, you are helping me.

Blessings,

Roger