The cell door was wide open. Why didn't I just walk through it?

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I know we haven't talked for a while, in fact, it has been around 3-weeks. 

A staff member came into my office and said, "I was thinking about you the other day, and I have decided that you are not like any of the other chaplains I have encountered. She said I was a bit more edgy, real, and relatable. Initially, I wasn't sure how to take this, but she assured me it was a compliment. 

She was right after all, I was edgy actually I was feeling feelings that I had not felt in over 30 years! I had just finished canoeing the Willamette River with my boys and I was in an exceptionally good mood. The fact that my kids want to spend time with me, and go do things like explore a river, sleep on islands, and talk about everything that doesn't include the weather, is an amazing thing to me. 

I know that I am blessed. 

I was back home in my backyard with Laurie. I was recounting the trip, she was asking questions and we were generally having a great time. Music was playing in the background. Laurie had bought a Bose outdoor speaker, and we were listening to our eclectic music that only comes with a Spotify account. 

She asked about our conversations and I told her all the stories that the boys and I had shared. It is funny when your kids grow up and feel comfortable enough to tell you all the crazy stuff they did, but would never tell you in the moment. We had lots of laughs, a few tears, with many I love you's and thanks for going on this trip from everyone in the group. 

Then something strange happened. 

Laurie asked me, I can't recall why at the moment, what music I listened to right before football games when I was waiting in the locker room before we ran on the field. I told her I had a series of songs that would evoke feelings and get me mentally ready to play a violent game. 

I told her that I usually started with "She's a brick house" mostly because of the rhythm of the music. Playing the position that I did (shutdown corner, and free safety, depending on the situation in the game) was like a dance, especially the shutdown corner piece. I would line up nose to nose with the receiver and at the snap of the ball he would make his first move, I in turn would react with mine and we would run down the field doing this dance. He trying to get into position to catch a ball, me getting into position to knock it down or intercept it. So the Commodores "She's a brick house" was the perfect song to listen to while I mimed running backward, crossing over to run sideways, and crossing over again to run flat out in the opposite direction, all the while getting the mental picture of would eventually happen in the game. 

After I had gone through all my pretend cover options I would then turn my focus to the other part of the game; the "I am a better, badder, player than my opponent, and I would listen to Aerosmith's sweet emotion song. For whatever reason it would make me mad. Then finally I would finish it off with Pink Floyd's "The Wall."  By this point, the game is about to start I am completely focused, maybe a bit out of my mind, and ready to pretend I was 6'4" and 245lbs, not 5'9" 190. 

Then Laurie asked about how I got hurt. 

I told her how I was up against an All-American wide receiver so I played shutdown corner the whole game. I was on an island with this guy, The first play of the game I lined up nose to nose with him at the line of scrimmage, and he looked at me and said, "They are throwing me the ball and there is nothing you can do about it." I just looked at him and smiled. The center snapped the ball and I hit this guy so hard that he flew onto his back 2 yards behind the line of scrimmage. I stood over him and said, "It's kind of hard to catch a ball when you are laying on your back." 

He didn't catch a ball until 8 minutes left in the third quarter; that was when I was pile driven into the ground by their left guard and their fullback speared me in the back. He got up yelling, "I got him, coach, I got him!" At the time we were winning 7-0. 

We lost the game 35-7. He caught 5 touchdown passes in a quarter and a half. 

I spent the next week in the hospital bleeding internally. 

The doctors said that I couldn't play anymore. If I took another hit like that I would be on dialysis the rest of my life. 

I was pretty upset.

Then I lost my scholarship; back then it was play or go home. I went home.

I was really upset.

My girlfriend was still at school, I called her up on her birthday. She told me she didn't love me and never did, that I was nothing more than a status symbol to her. I guess she had a pretty low bar if I was a status symbol. 

Now I was just plain angry; not just mad, oh no, this was much worse. I was in touch with my anger in a place where it was dangerous. I was less than, of no worth, sub human. 

Oklahoma State called me up and offered me a scholarship to play for them. I said, "No thank you."

Wyoming called me up and offered me a scholarship, my parents said, "You should take it." So I did. 

It became apparent that I was no longer in the headspace to play, so I quit. 

I was still in touch with my anger though

This anger drove me to the Navy. And this was the anger that somehow had awakened in me. 

This was not a good thing. 

I stayed in this anger for a couple of weeks. 

Finally, one night I was wrestling with God, and I almost threw a hip out doing it (Just a little biblical humor for you). God said something that I wish He would have said, much earlier. 

He said, "I healed you from this anger already, and you are still healed. You chose to go back there, you must choose to come out!"

I said, "What!?"

God replied, "You put yourself in that prison. the cell door is open, just walk out and be free."

So I did. 

The relief was instant, amazing, a palpable. 

I am a happy guy again.  

I was talking to my accountability partner and he said that he could see it, and was glad to have me back. 

We talked for quite a while, he and I. 

I began to wonder, "How many times I have just put myself in that prison cell, all the time the cell door is open and I just wouldn't walk through it.  

Have you ever put yourself in a prison cell and just sat there, the cell door is open but you won't walk through it?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

 

I am taking a break

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I have been trudging with Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor for a bit now. He isn't saying much but I can tell he is getting ready to. I look behind me and suddenly there are gobs and gobs of people in various stages in the mud behind us. In case you are wondering "gobs and gobs" is a technical term for a lot of people. 

My thought goes immediately to, "How am I going to help all these people?"

The "Y" has been extremely busy, which has created a lot of work for this chaplain. In fact, it has created too much work. I have been doing my best to keep up but I obviously haven't been.

The already short staff and all the changes in the "Y" have people wanting my attention all over the association. 

I finally realized this on Friday night. A bunch of us got together at one of our houses and were all enjoying each other's company when suddenly I hit the wall, I was completely exhausted. I left shortly after I hit the wall. 

Something has to give, and it is writing these breads. I am going to take a break for a bit so I can focus more on my peeps. 

I will talk with you later, after things settle down.

Blessings,

Roger

"T" has decided to resign from the YMCA.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I are still trudging through the mud. He has started to open up and start to talk. 

"T" has decided to resign from the YMCA.

Well, actually he has decided to resign from being the COO, he is still the CEO.

People are reacting to this news in a variety of ways, but that isn't what we are talking about right now. 

As we walked through the mud, trudging along, not singing a song, side by side. "T" pondered the following questions:

• Am I in the right place?
• Am I in the right space?

After much pondering, which evidently for "T" means much mumbling as well, he has come to the decision that yes, he is in the right place, just not the right space and that space is being the COO. 

While being a COO may sound like fun, especially for a control freak, not saying that "T" isn't a control freak, oh what the hey, "T" is a control freak, get over it. Being a COO doesn't make him happy. It turns him into "that guy," and he doesn't want to be "that guy." So "T" is giving up the COO and focusing on the CEO part of his job, I think this is a good thing. 

I always told him he makes a great CEO. 

But now the questions are out there.

Others in the organization are beginning to ponder this as well. It will be interesting to see how all this shakes out. 

As we trudge through the mud, I begin to ponder what, "that guy" looks like in my world, what "that guy" would look like for me? 

I don't want to be "that guy."

What "guy" don't I want to be?"

You already know I really dislike "mean people." So obviously I don't want to be a mean person, but what does it mean to be a mean person?

I don't like self-centered people. So, obviously, I don't want to be self-centered, but what does it mean to be self-centered?

My list is beginning to grow and as I ponder I am digging deeper, ever deeper (oops, "T" is in my head) into these questions. Sure, it is easy to define something on the surface level, but as I continue to ask the question "What does it mean?" the "I don't want to be" part of this thought pattern gets trickier and trickier. 

Have you ever thought about this stuff?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Am I in the right place? Am I in the right space?

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I are still trudging through the mud. 

"T" has started talking but I don't think he is talking to me. He seems to be mumbling to himself at the moment. 

He seems to be mumbling, "Am I in the right place? Am I in the right space?" Over and over again. 

I have this mental picture; it is of a couple of flip chart pages stuck to a wall, the wall is your typical YMCA wall with a bunch of inspirational words on it. In my mind, it looks something like this. 

I told you it was loud in my head. 

Anyway "T" and I are trudging along, "T" is mumbling about places and spaces. I am sure he will bring me into his thoughts soon enough. For now, I must be happy with just being that friend that walks beside him as he works through the tapes in his head. 

The enemy is really yelling at him right now. Actually, the enemy isn't yelling at him, he is yelling at 9-year-old "T" the kid that can't fight back. I can see young "T" cowering under the onslaught of verbal abuse. 

I can't help him yet, he won't let me in, but he will, they always do, eventually.  

While we walk, I think about all the lies that the enemy told me, and how those lies made me feel.

I contemplate Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor's mumblings. 

Am I in the right place? I believe that I am, I think I am still relevant and have things of value. 

Am I in the right space, that is is the question? It is not up to me to decide. I have always said that I am here to help, and if that time is over or if something else is needed; then we will have to make a change. 

As I walk with "T" I am at peace. Maybe having my traveling companion following us along the trail helps, maybe so, but the end result is that I am at peace. 

I will continue to contemplate, "Am I in the right place? Am I in the right space?"

Have you ever contemplated this?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Well Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I have started our mud trudge.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Well Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I have started our mud trudge.

I hadn't noticed this before, but walking through somebody else's mud is easier walking than trudging through your own. It could simply be the fact that it doesn't stick to me the same way my own mud did, it could be the fact that all I have to do is look off to my left and there she is, my traveling companion, walking a bit behind us, pulling the canoe along the river, and watching me intently to see if I slip or look like I am struggling.

I have no doubt in my mind that she would drop that canoe and come get me if I did or was. 

We are silent as we walk. 

The only sounds are the white noise of the river, some birds singing, and the ever-present sound of sucking mud. Every step we hear, the sound of mud allowing our boots to slide into it, and then the sound of mud holding fast to our feet, pulling back hard, as we try to pull them free to take another step. 

"T" is looking down at the mud, as if he is afraid to look away from it and it will just completely engulf him like one of those bad horror films where the person steps into quicksand and is quickly swallowed up; at least to their neck, and then taking an excruciating amount of time to slowly, ever so slowly, suck them in the rest of the way.

I am walking right beside him looking at him, waiting, ever so waiting, for him to decide to open up about why we are here. 

If you are wondering why I am using the "ever so" speak, it is because "T" loves to use it, usually in a meditation exercise. Anyone who has ever been in a "T" meditation exercise will know what I mean, if you don't, well you just need to experience one.

As we trudged, "T," lost in his thoughts, I, lost in his thoughts.

God crossed my mind.

I began to wonder how many times God stood beside me, waiting patiently for me to say something. A lament, a question, a praise, a blessing in my life...Just something that He could then enter into with me. 

How often I had blocked Him out, not intentionally, maybe so, blocking Him out all the same, and He waiting patiently for me to bring Him into the conversation. 

I thought, "It takes a very big God to be so patient, so understanding, so loving; especially when you have the devil screaming in your ear the whole time. 

You know who the devil is, he is the, "You're not" voice in your head." 

• You're not smart
• You're not pretty
• You're not good enough
• You're not lovable

I could go on, but you get the jist. 

A lesser god would try to out scream at the devil, not our God, no, He whispers instead. 

He whispers things like:

• You are smart
• You are pretty
• You are good enough
• You are lovable

Mostly He whispers, "Don't worry, I am here with you, all the way."

So I walk next to my friend, remaining silent, waiting for him to invite me in. I know he will when he is ready. I just need to remain present so I don't sleep through the invite. 

How is your walk going today?

Are you walking alone or with someone else? 

Are you walking with someone beside you, or are you walking beside someone else? 

Where are your thoughts today?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

The world fell off its axis, and onto its asses

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

My traveling companion and I were enjoying our ride down the river in our canoe. My original stress and anxiety as I sat in the canoe has faded. The combination of paddling, great conversations, and just being with someone to whom you can relax and let your guard down brings a person peace. For me, it feels as if I am sitting with Jesus. 

When I am sitting with Jesus everything is in the right place, including my mind. 

As I said, we were enjoying our ride, and each other, when out of nowhere my phone rang. 

My first thought was, "Crap, I am back in cell service."

My second thought was, "I wonder who would be calling me?"

My third thought was, "Do I even want to answer it?"

My fourth thought was, "Why am I having all these thoughts?"

I answered the phone, and put it on speaker. It was Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor.

I said, "Hello?" Much in the same way Ron Burgundy says, Ron Burgundy?" I said, "You are on speaker and my traveling companion is here with me, is that ok?"

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor says, "yes."

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor (Which for the remained of this story will be shortened to "T" for obvious reasons) says, "How are you?"

I say, " I'm good."

T- "What is good?"

My fifth thought (I am getting tired of counting thoughts already) is, "Oh this is going to be one of those conversations." In case you are wondering what one of "those conversations" is with me and "T"; it is a conversation with us yelling at each other, asking inane questions to each other, and laughing a lot, because, at the end of the day, we both think we are funny. finally, getting to our "stuff" and talking about that.

I often wonder how many people have a relationship with their CEO that can get away with saying the things that I say to mine?

R- "My knee doesn't hurt and I feel happy."

T- "Why"

R- "Great question."

T- "Because you are on pain meds you idiot."

Have I mentioned our relationship is loving and gentle?

I also don't think I mentioned that I had knee surgery just a few hours ago in the real world. 

T- "Hey, I have been through some of my own challenges and I want to know if you will walk through the mud with me?"

R- "Of course, I will."

T- "I want you to include me in your story."

R- "You do? I will rip your mask off in front of a bunch of people."

T- "I know. The fact that you are brave enough to do it gives me courage, and I want to show others that they can do it too!"

My sixth thought was, "Hmmm...what would the world look like if this becomes a thing? People ripping their masks off in full view of the world; what a crazy, courageous thing."

R- "Ok, I guess we are going to have to meet, talk about things, and then write about us."

T- "Yep."

I turn to my traveling companion and give her my classic look.

She knows the look and says, "It is ok, go help your friend. I will be close by, just in case you get stuck too."

I turn my attention back to "T."

R- "Tell me what happened."

T- "The world fell off its axis, and onto its asses. Technically, it is my world, but to me, my world is the world."

R- "Where are you now?"

T- "Look over to your right."

I look to my right, and there he is; standing in the mud up to his knees. He is stuck!

TC- "Roger, get out of the canoe and help him."

I hesitate, the mud is a scary place to be.

She tips the canoe over, and I fall into the river. 

Have I mentioned my traveling companion is a hard-headed woman and is a real pain in the ___ sometimes?

I pick myself up and look at her. Before I can say anything she says, "I got the canoe and will be right behind you all the way."

I walk over to "T," grab his hand and pull really hard. The familiar sucking sound of mud letting go comes to our ears, and "T" pulls free.

God is a funny duck. While He didn't throw me into my mud just so He could save me to show His greatness. No, in fact, He would have rather I didn't get muddy at all. He is there with me, and if I allow Him to, He will Help me use my experience to help others stuck in the mud.  

Now I am going to help my brother, this should be quite a story.

Stay tuned.

Blessings,

Roger

Oh yes, please pray for Padme and her family. Her father is getting hip replacement surgery today. He is a tough old bird, but he is still a bird, and birds sing when they are happy, and squawk when they are not. My prayer is that the surgery is a complete success, that he comes out stronger and better than when he went in, and that he is pain-free. That the family finds peace and tranquility as they wait in that room in the hospital, I always wondered why they called it a waiting room. Amen  

Talk about a hot mess.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

As Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I trudged through the mud, and my traveling companion walked the path close behind I am still pondering about being "that guy."

I look back at my traveling companion. 

To be honest, I don't like being this far from her for any real length of time. Even though I can see her, it feels different, more distant somehow. It is as if the physical distance has also caused a relational distance. I can feel the pimple of the rearview mirror starting to grow and she isn't there to rip it off. I must be careful not to lose myself as I help my friend. 

In my thoughts, I turn to a training that I am helping someone lead. Currently, we are going through "trust," or more aptly the absence of trust and how to build it.  

We did the usual trust exercises and what not, then I threw them a riseball (if you don't know what a riseball is, then I guess you better watch more women's softball; that's all I have to say about that).

I hung some signs, which said:

• Can we just take off the mask?
• What does it look like to be authentic?
• Can we dare to be vulnerable?
• What does it look like to have someone's back?

We talked intentionally about each of these subjects, and a funny thing happened. 

The masks came off, well mostly. I did notice that some of the more astute mask wearers were wearing masks under their masks. 

During the conversation about wearing masks and invulnerability, one participant said, "If I took off my mask everyone would see what a hot mess I really am and judge me for it." 

I just had to ask, "What does a hot mess mean to you?"

Which she replied, "I feel like I am failing at my job, I got divorced, and I am struggling raising my two boys. If people knew I didn't have my s--t together..."

I just looked at her and laughed.

I said, "H--l, there are times I think I am failing at my job, I got a divorce, I struggled raising my three boys. In fact I have a reoccurring nightmare that my boys and I end up in therapy over something I said when they we 8-years-old, which I don't even remember saying, but it formed them somehow." 

Another participant reached out and said, "We are all struggling, in fact, can we make an agreement to take our masks off and be vulnerable with each other for more than 2-hours a week (meaning, more than just at this training). 

The next thing I knew people were sharing their stuff with one another. It got to the point where the leader had to say, "We don't need to share all our details with everyone." 

I decided to walk the group through the "shame cycle."

After the "Shame Cycle" I took the opportunity to tell a story, Never waste an opportunity to tell a story, I always say. 

I told them that I had a nice conversation with my sister Betty just that morning. We were talking about the Breads and the conversations she was having with people around them. She was talking about taking off her mask. you see Betty has been married a couple of times, and when I mean a couple I mean less than 10. Betty is your proverbial people pleaser. 

Betty actually married a guy just because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. 

Anyway, I was telling the group that my sister had called and we were talking about shame and the tapes that people play in their heads.  

I told the group about Tim Raile, Bob Sperry, and me sitting in Tim's basement when we were 16 years old and Tim said, "We should all get dates!" We had never had dates, which meant we had never asked a girl out, which meant it was scary, at least for me.  

Tim called a girl and she said yes, of course, she did it was Tim Raile for God's sake. Bob Sperry called a girl and she said yes, of course, she said yes, it was Bob Sperry for God's sake. 

Tim asked who I was going to call? I said I think I will call Colleen. 

Tim thought that was a wonderful choice and handed me the phone. 

I looked up her number in the phone book, (you youngsters are going to have to google "phone book" to find out what that is) and dialed her number. when she answered, I hung up without saying a word, you see in all actuality I am a coward. 

I told Bob and Tim that I can't, and they said you have to.

So I said, I know I will call Jenni I think she might go out with me.

I called and asked. 

She said, "Yes."

We all went on our dates.

The next week came around and I thought, I don't want to be like David (David was the classic date every girl in school guy. They all pined over him and were heartbroken when he didn't ask them out again) and date a different girl every week. 

I didn't want to be "That guy."

So I asked Jenni out again.

The next thing you know five or six dates went by and I was stuck, not knowing how to break this thing off without hurting her feelings or looking like a jerk (Which by the way I am pretty good at being now, at least that is what I am told). 

The next thing you know we have been dating for over four-years and talking about marriage.

The next thing you know I get hurt playing football, lose my scholarship and can't go to school. Jenni is at school, I call her up on her birthday and she is with someone else (another football player, go figure), She proceeds to tell me that she didn't love me, and never did, and that I was nothing more than a status symbol to her. 

My first reaction was, "Thank God" and then the tapes started playing. 

I went to the place of being unlovable with those tapes. 

Then I told the group, "You know what was really funny about the whole thing? I did it to myself! I didn't want to go out with Jenni in the first place. No, I was just too scared to ask Colleen out." 

Talk about a hot mess.

Everyone laughed.

So, as I trudge through the mud with "T" I was pondering about "That guy."

While I didn't want to be "That guy." I didn't want to be "That other guy either."

I have decided to keep my mask off to the best of my ability. 

I am sure it will make people uncomfortable.

There is a good chance that I will lose a friend or two along the way.

But I am tired of the masquerade ball and want to go home. 

I hear "T" mumbling something, I had better go pay attention to my friend.

Are you still wearing your mask? And if so why?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger 

My canoe is 17' long, it doesn't sound like much but it is amazing how different the world can be in just 17'.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

The river is moving right along now. The current is strong but without eddies, rivulets, or rapids. The water is clear and you can see the bottom of the river which is rocky. When you look ahead, it doesn't feel like you are moving very fast, but when you look at the rocks on the bottom of the river, as you pass by, you see that, in fact, you are moving right along.

My traveling companion is sitting in the front seat of the canoe, she is looking content and relaxed. You can always tell when she is in this state; her eyes are relaxed and quiet, and the corners of her mouth are turned up, just a bit, not like a real smile, more like "I am happy just to be here with you" kind of smile. I can tell her thoughts are good and that she feels safe. In fact, she is actually sitting sideways in the seat. She has her feet dangling in the water, She looks up at the green, green trees against a blue, blue sky; then she looks back down at the water, her mouth is still turned up in that content relaxed sort of way, she is holding a little box of wine in her lap. There is no mask, maybe the wine helps? She never looks so beautiful as when she is in this state. 

My canoe is 17' long, it doesn't sound like much but it is amazing how different the world can be in just 17'. 

She is in the front of the canoe, obviously in a good place. I on the other hand sit in the back, roughly 15' away, and I am tense, angry, sad, hurting, hopeless, with my thoughts in a jumbled mess. 

I know I am loved. I know that people like me. 

Oh my god, I sound like John Handy, "By gosh people like me."

I am not looking back, the mirror is gone. She took care of that.

I am not looking into the future, my spyglass seems to be missing. I have a good idea who took it.

I am sitting here, in the twilight of the present. If I could just get into the full light of the present, I know I will be good. I will be happy, and life will come into focus. 

I guess this is part of the process. I take a look at myself.

There really isn't any reason for me to be tense. I don't even know why I am?

There really isn't any reason for me to be angry. I don't even know why I am?

There isn't really any reason for me to be sad. I don't even know why I am?

There isn't really any reason for me to be hopeless. I don't even know why I am?

Johnny Cash comes to mind. 

Some people say a man is made outta mud
A poor man's made outta muscle and blood
Muscle and blood and skin and bone
A mind that's a-weak and a back that's strong

You load sixteen tons and what do you get

Another day older and deeper in debt

Saint Peter don't you call me cause I can't go

I owe my soul to the company store

Here I am canoeing down the river, paddling to the cadence of Johnny Cash and Sixteen Tons.  

I hope the sun of the present doesn't take too long to come up. I sure get tired of me. 

For now, I will focus on the person in the front of the canoe, and take pleasure in watching someone else's contentment.

    

I do love my traveling companion, did I mention she is a hard-headed woman?

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

"Roger, what the hell are you doing?" 

That is how my traveling companion greeted me when she arrived. There I was obviously free of the mud, but just standing there. I must have been there for a while.

I said, "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with the canoe?"

She replied, "I was, but then I began to wonder where you were; then I began to worry about where you were, finely I thought, 'forget the canoe, I better go find that fool before he wanders into the mud again.' Now stop messing around and get over here."

She grabbed my hand and yarded me, not gently mind you, out of the mud. She pointed me down the path back to the canoe and said, "Go."

I do love my traveling companion, did I mention she is a hard-headed woman?

As she pushed me down the path she ripped off the rearview mirror saying, "You won't be needing this anymore." 

I have a feeling my rearview mirror is a lot like a pimple. You get rid of one, only to find another one is growing in its place. And like pimples on a teenager, it just takes time to grow out of them. 

This rearview mirror thing is just going to take some time to get over. 

I am still wearing my mask, I guess it is for everyone else, she sees right through it, in fact, she thinks the mask is ugly and ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder if I keep it on when we are alone just to piss her off. 

Did I ever mention that I can be a jerk sometimes? 

There isn't much conversation as we walk back to the canoe, there isn't a need for one. 

When we reach the canoe, I see she had tied it off to a tree and everything was safe. In hindsight, I guess we should have just tied the canoe off in the first place and scouted together. But then again, I have never been the brightest brick in the pond. 

We get our stuff together, get into the canoe, without mishap, and shove off. 

It is good to be back in the canoe, the water is lapping against the side, and the paddle strokes are almost silent as they cut into and then push the water behind the canoe. Paddling is interesting, you don't just put the paddle in the water, you insert it intentionally, and then pull with your legs, back, and arms. Done right, you can do this all day, like 10 hours all day. If done wrong, you won't last 30-min. 

I enjoy paddling, it helps my spiritual state. 

My pain is still with me, but more manageable. I guess eventually, I will have to talk with one of my psychologist friends. You know you have issues when you have three psychologists who are just dying to get into your head.  

I am glad that I can entertain somebody, even if it is a psychologist. I must be related to lettuce somehow. 

I must set my heart on the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. I must set my mind on the things above, not the things of the earth. I must remember this, it will keep me safe. 

I thank God for my traveling companion. 

Have you thanked God for yours?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

I might as well be living in the matrix.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Archibald brought in Lettuce from his garden! 

There were all different types of lettuce, he told me all the names, but I wasn't listening so I had yet to learn what type of lettuce it was.  

People would see the lettuce that I picked out in my office and say, "I have never seen that kind of lettuce. What type of lettuce is that?"

I would say, "You haven't? This is really neat lettuce and is actually quite rare. It is called entertainyou."

"Entertainyou?" They would say.

I would reply, "Yes, entertainyou."

They would say, "I had never heard of entertainyou."

I would quip, "You mean to tell me you have never heard of Let us entertain you?"

Nobody laughed.

The best part is nobody has even bothered to look to see if I am wearing a mask. 

I get comments like: 

• You should have been a comedian.
• You are one funny guy.
• Where do you come up with this stuff.

Yep, some of my best work is done behind the mask. 

I have managed to wrench myself free from the mud, but I don't feel like going anywhere, what's the point? 

The pain is constant and acute. I wish I could find joy, but everywhere I look I see people suffering in their own silence. 

When I ask people how they are doing I get:

• I'm alright when clearly they are not alright.
• I'm good when clearly they are not good.
• I'm ok when clearly they are not ok.

They spend their days wearing masks too. Some wear them better than others, but they wear them just the same. 

They come and sit in the chair. They never bother to take their masks off. They sit and tell me things, but never the real issue. 

Seldom do I get the truth?

It has left me cut and bleeding out. 

Do I want to live in a world where everyone is wearing Halloween costumes?

Do I want to live in a world where everyone is at best telling partial truths? 

I might as well be living in the matrix. 

I am left pondering all of this, all the while wearing my mask, why not, everyone else is. 

Oh here's a good one!

There are two loaves of bread in the oven; one loaf says, "Boy or boy, is it ever hot in here." The second loaf looks at the first loaf and screams, "Oh my god, it is a talking loaf of bread."

I wonder what the real reason is that we cannot just be honest with each other?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

I left my traveling companion with the canoe. Looking back, I think that was a bad move.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I have ripped the rearview mirror off my car of life, and somebody keeps putting it back on. I have ripped it off more times than I can remember and every time I glance over it is back again; it is very frustrating. 

I had to get out of the canoe and walk ahead, just to see what was around the bend of the river. 

The river is still flat and peaceful and there are no dangers present in the near future. Yet, I cannot get over the feeling that something bad is about to happen and there is nothing I can do about it?  I don't know what it is or could be, but I cannot help but feel this way. 

Every time I feel as if something bad is going to happen, I cannot help but look back to see if I missed something that could indicate why I feel this way. When I look back I see the old stuff, the depressing stuff. I cannot see anything that could indicate a bad thing happening in the future, but I can see the bad things of the past, and the process starts all over again.

Something bad has happened and there is nothing I can do about it, and something bad is about to happen and there is nothing I can do about it. This is not a good place to be.  

I put on my chaplain's face, and go through my Rolodex jokes and funny one-liners that I always keep available in the mental filing cabinet that is my brain. I go into my costume closet and sort through all my masks, trying, in vain mostly, to pick just the right mask to wear so people won't notice anything wrong and get too close. 

It is here, in my mental closet while I am trying on masks, that I ponder the rest of my life. I ponder things like:

• Will my friends stick around?
• Will my family stick around?
• Will I stick around?

Sometimes I wonder, what's the point?

Sometimes I know what the point is. 

I don't know why I vacillate? I suppose vacillating is better than just being stuck, but it is still quite a bother.  

I look down at the path and see that I have wandered into the mud. 

I left my traveling companion with the canoe. Looking back, I think that was a bad move. 

As I stand in my costume closet, contemplating things, I wonder if I will ever leave my closet, and if I do leave, what mask will I be wearing. 

I stand in my closet, pick up a mask, try it on, decide it isn't right, and put it down only to pick up another one. As I go through mask after mask, I wonder, "Am I the only one who struggles with life?"

I begin to hum, 

"Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble
And I stay it will be double"

Am I the only one? 

Do you ever feel the way I feel?

Have I been cut too deeply, too many times?

Am I bleeding out? I feel like I am bleeding out. 

Lord, I am with you all the way. I just wonder how much farther the "way" is? 

Oh look, I found the mask that will work just fine; I will put that one on.

Did I tell you the one where Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor walks into the bar? You would have thought that after all the "bar" jokes he has told he would have ducked.

Blessings,

Roger

The river is tranquil, and the conversations are flowing.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

The river is tranquil, and the conversations are flowing. So far this part of the journey has been uncomplicated and not too demanding, in fact, it really hasn't been demanding at all, the river has been doing the heavy lifting (no, that is not a stab at my weight). 

My brother and sister arrived last Thursday afternoon. Before I go too far into this story I had better clarify two very important things:

• It is actually Laurie's sister and her husband.
• They are not my biological brother and sister, that would just be weird if they were my biological brother and sister and were married. 
• Most people would call them their brother and sister-in-law.
• I don't use the term in-law. If you have an in-law you have an out-law. It is just the law of equal and opposite. Something Newton was fond of talking about. 
• An object in motion tends to stay in motion and an object at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force...for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

And before you go into the whole, "Newton was talking physics, not family structure." I am going to point out the four laws of being a theologian:

1. Theologians don't worry about the crossover between the sciences.
2. Theologians are horrible at math. 

They traveled by car and saw a lot of really cool stuff along the way. They stayed mainly on the secondary roads, only jumping on the interstate when necessary. 

I thought that was brilliant and is my preferred way to travel. If you absolutely have to be there overnight ship FedEx, wait no, if you absolutely have to be there in a hurry go by interstate, otherwise do yourself a favor and slow down, look around, and take the secondary highways and such. 

I am glad they got here safe and sound. I wonder what trouble Jeff and I will get into during their visit. I am a little worried about the garage sale part, they love to garage sale and so does Laurie. 

Last year when they came out I ended up with 5 garages and 2 yards, yes they hit a few yard sales too. 

The river is tranquil and the going is easy, but we are getting close to a bend in the river, I will have to get out and scout the next section, you never want to go around a blind corner on a river, bad things could happen.  

Have you ever just blindly gone around a corner? the phrase, "I didn't see that coming; comes to mind." 

What are the blind corners in your life that you should take a look at before entering them do you have? 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Most of all I am happy that I am not soaking wet and all alone.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Well, it almost happened. I almost got thrown out of the canoe before I even got in it. 

I asked, what I thought was a legitimate question, a question based on respect. I didn't want to assume or attempt to make a decision for anyone, and I got the look. You know that look. The look of, "I can't believe you would even ask me that question. It was quickly followed up with, "Are you asking metaphorically, or are you really asking me if I want to leave?"

The next she said was, "Choose your words carefully, words are important." 

I really get irritated when people use my own catchphrases against me. 

So...there I am one foot in the canoe, one foot on the bank, and my traveling companion holding the canoe steady as I get in. 

The rest of the conversation went like this. 

Roger-"Metaphorically?" hoping that was the right answer. 

TC-"So you're not really asking me if I want you to continue on alone?"

Roger-"No, not really, I was wondering how to write this next section of my life."

TC-"Good answer, Yes, write me in the next section of your life." 

She went on to say, "You know that I am with you all the way." And then wobbled the canoe, just to make the point that I was very close to getting very wet.

As I said, canoes are a lot like women.    

I looked down the river and it is flat water, meaning no rapids (at least not yet) and it bends to the right a ways down head. 

I get into the canoe, sit down, brace the canoe with my paddle and my traveling companion gets in. We push off from shore and start to drift downstream. 

I had almost forgotten how tranquil it is floating down a river in a canoe. 

I am happy. 

I am happy that my traveling companion is still here.

I am happy to be in the canoe.

I am even happy that she got mad that I would even ask if she wanted to continue the journey.

Most of all I am happy that I am not soaking wet and all alone. 

As we floated down the river, I paddled lazily, just enough to keep the bow pointed downstream, my thoughts began to wander, "I wondered what was around the bend and what the next section of river would bring." 

I caught myself. "Don't wander too far ahead" I said to myself, it only borrows trouble. 

Do you ever catch yourself in your thought life? 

I began to ponder something Martin Luther once said, "You can't stop a bird from flying over your head. But, you can keep it from making a nest in your hair."

How is your thought life doing today? Is your thought life running you, or are you running your thought life?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger   

Come to think of it, canoes are a lot like women. You disrespect one at your own peril.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I have decided to get in my canoe and start down the river. Good news, my traveling companion wants to continue this journey with me, which makes me happy. 

Canoes are good modes of transportation, they can feel a bit tippy at first but once you get the hang of it, you find that canoes are a lot more stable than they first feel. This doesn't mean a canoe won't dump you in a river if you aren't careful, or don't treat it with respect. I have disrespected more than one canoe in my life only to find myself floating in the water. 

Come to think of it, canoes are a lot like women. You disrespect one at your own peril. 

You disrespect a guy and you could get hit in the mouth. You disrespect a woman and you may think you got away with it, only to find when you least expect it, they dump you in a river. 

Yep, my canoe is a lot like a woman. I disrespected my canoe once just trying to get into it and right there in front of a group of people it threw me into the river. There was a bit of chuckling going on, not by me, but by the people on the shore, and I think I even heard some from my canoe. 

But if you respect your canoe, it will respect you and it will get you where you need to go. 

As I was getting my canoe ready for the trip I got to thinking. 

Evidently, I am quite popular.

Sunday morning, Laurie and I parked in what was at the time an empty parking lot to go to church. When I came out of church, the parking lot had become quite crowded.

At least it was next to my car.

Just in case you don't get the full picture, here is another angle.

Yep, people just like me!

Laurie says I am like a magnet, people are just drawn to me.

She said that right before she pushed me into the river. 

When I saw this I laughed. 

When I showed it to people and said that I had to get Laurie to crawl into the car to get it out they said, "Why do think this is funny?"

I guess the only answer I can give is, "It is not the challenge that defines you, it is your response."

I wonder what challenge I will have today? I also wonder if my response will be appropriate?

Do you ever ponder such things?

Blessings,

Roger

The river is therapeutic, and paddling is cathartic.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I am getting tired of walking, not the physical tiredness that I get from working hard, but the, "This is getting old" kind of tired. I am thinking that I want to continue my journey in another way. 

I have been walking close to a river for a while now, and I am the owner of a canoe. I am thinking that I will put the canoe in the water and go for a paddle. 

I like canoeing, and so does my traveling companion. 

Some of the best conversations happen in a canoe. I don't know what it is that brings these conversations out, but they tend to come out while we are paddling our canoe. Maybe it is the calmness of the water or the quietness of the river, or maybe it is that life is happening all around us, we just have to have our eyes and ears open to see it.

In a canoe you can sit silently for a long time lost in your thoughts. You can watch intently as an eagle soars above. If you are lucky you can watch a beaver build something or an otter play. 

You can watch life happen in a canoe. 

One of the things I enjoy most is the act of paddling.  Paddling a canoe is an art, one that I am not sure I will ever completely master. There are a myriad of paddle strokes that can be used. The one that comes to everyone's mind is the simple forward paddle stroke. 

Anyone who has ever paddled a canoe quickly finds out that if you just paddle straight forward the canoe will just go in a big circle. Most people get frustrated and eventually quit canoeing, but there are other strokes that correct this canoe behavior. 

There are strokes to make you go straight. There are strokes to make you go forward. There are strokes to make you go backward. There are strokes to make you go sideways. 

I never get bored paddling. In fact, when I bring someone with me, I don't even care if they paddle. I like having them along because I enjoy their company and the conversation, not to help me paddle. 

The river is therapeutic, and paddling is cathartic. 

I wonder if my traveling companion will get in the canoe with me or will I canoe alone? I hope my companion comes with me, but it is not up to me. I do enjoy the company and the conversation. 

What part of life's journey are you on?  

Are you still in the mud? 

Are you on dry ground?

Are you traveling with a companion?

Are you traveling alone?

Are you on the water?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Somehow I get strength in my weakness. It makes me want to read 2 Corinthians again.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I am in a great mood this morning, I don't really know why but I am. My eyes popped open before the alarm and I got out of bed and I am happy, and I don't know why.

Nothing in my life has changed, per se. I didn't win the lottery (I really don't think that would make me happy anyway, it might for some people, but I doubt I would be any happier), I haven't bought a ticket in God knows when. No, really, God does know when, but I can't remember. I didn't get promoted. I am not sure how you get promoted once you become the "Other duties as assigned" guy. 

I just feel good, and feeling good makes me happy. 

I took a look at my boots and there is still mud on them, it is old and caked, kind of flaky but it never really goes away. I am getting used to the fact that I wear muddy boots.  People have looked at my boots and said, "You have muddy boots." and I have replied, "Yes, I do." 

Some people are surprised that I would have muddy boots.

They say, "I can't believe you have muddy boots!"

I reply, "Why is that so hard to believe?"

They say, "You're an ordained minister, how can you have muddy boots?"

I reply, "Ordained ministers have some of the muddiest boots there are."

They look at me in disbelief. I guess they went to one of those plastic smile churches. 

My boots are muddy, my life is transparent. I am vulnerable, and I am weak. 

Somehow I get strength in my weakness. It makes me want to read 2 Corinthians again.  

I will go to the "Y" today and love people. If they ask me how I am doing, I will tell them. If they don't, ok. 

I will listen the best that I can. I won't try to fix, mostly because I can't fix what is broken in them, that is God's work, not mine. I will walk beside them, and hold them up when they feel they cannot go on. 

I will rejoice with the rejoicing and mourn with the mourning. 

Today will be a good day!

Blessings,

Roger

I gave a pastor a ride to his car, I wouldn't recommend doing that!

Good morning,
I pray the day finds you well.

I am still out in open country, I cannot get the visual of my dog running away out of my head. He wasn't really running away, he was chasing a bird, but hey it was funny either way.

My buddy Matt (yes, he is that pastor I am talking about) asked if I could give him a ride to his 30+year-old Bronco II, it was at the shop. 

Actually, it went more like this.

Every Tuesday morning Matt and a bunch of guys play basketball at the Y. They had finished and he stopped by my office. He just wanted to say hi and to smell the place up a bit, He was sweaty from playing basketball. 

Matt, "Hi Roger."

Roger, "Hi Matt"

Matt, "What are you doing?"

Roger, "Holding my breath"

Matt, "Why?"

Roger, "You stink, go take a shower and let's get a coffee."

Matt, "Ok" and leaves.

Matt comes back a few minutes later, freshly showered.

Roger, "I need a coffee, let's go."

Matt, "Ok, but first can we get my Bronco?"

Roger, "Sure."

This is where being present in the moment changes the day. I call it God's calendar versus my Calendar.

We got in my car and drive to the shop, did I mention his Bronco was 30+ years old? 

We got his Bronco, but now has another dilemma, if I just take him back to the Y he will have two cars at the Y. 

Roger, "Let's just take your Bronco home and then get coffee so you won't have two cars at the Y."

Matt, "Ok" Man of many words, that Matt is.

So I follow Matt home. He parks the car and jumps in mine. 

Matt, "I want to take you to a special coffee place, I know you will be thinking I am taking you on a wild goose chase, but trust me.  

So Matt directed me through this meandering journey to his "special" coffee place, and we began to talk, and not about the weather.

We got the coffee, it was pretty good for a cup of mud. 

We were in the middle of what I like to call a crucial conversation and decided to just drive and talk until our next appointment which was at 9:30 am, it was currently around 8:15 am. 

We talked about life.

We talked about death.

We talked about all the stuff in between. 

We talked about the future.

We talked about the past.

We remained in the here and now.

Time went by pretty quickly. We got done and to our next appointments on time.

I guess we both need someone to talk to, and we were lucky enough to be present enough to realize it.

Are you being present to the moment? Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

The Big Paddle

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

We had another big event weekend, and this is how it started.

Darryl, "Calendar, now, must, event!" 

Roger, "I totally agree!"

Now if you are wondering what this was, you are not alone. I have become very fluent in the Bigfoot language, with all of its dialects and idioms. 

Daryll and I were at Corp Thursday, yes, we drove in Daryll's midlife crisis Porsche that has a Golf logo on the front. Only one "It's on your side," happened that day. 

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor, "I signed us up for a golf tourney in Oregon City."

Daryll, "So..."

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor, "I need you to be at one of the holes that we sponsored and Wow the golfers."

I laughed, Wowing, is not one of Daryll's or my best traits."

I said that I already had an event I was prepping for so Daryll you are on your own.

Friday morning rolls around, I am in Daryll's office.

Esmerelda comes in.

Esmerelda, "Have you seen the event swag tub?"

Darryl, "I took it to East last night for the Golf tourney."

Esmerelda, "What!!!! I have an event this morning at Evergreen School District and need that tub."

Darryl, "Huh."

I looked at them, decided I was better off elsewhere, and left the office.

I walked back to my office and there was Wonder Woman. 

Wonder Woman, "Can I have the keys to the bus, I need the bus for a school event this evening."

Me, "Yes, as long as it is back in the locked storage facility by 7 am tomorrow morning, so I can get it to Ridgefield.

Wonder Woman, "I can do that." She looked stressed.

I asked, "What is going on?"

Wonder Woman, "The School is putting on an event and has the "Y" being part of it and they forgot to tell me!"

I said, "I guess it is cool that we are getting so engrained into the community that they are including us naturally without us asking or them checking to see if it is ok."

Woman Woman, "Yes, but I had to cancel a bunch of stuff just to make it happen." 

I said, "Do you want me to go?"

Wonder Woman, "Thank you, but no, you have your event in the morning. I will have the bus back in place and text you when it is done so you won't stress about it."

I guess she knows me.

I watch Esmerelda go into her office.

I go back to Darryl's office.

Darryl, "Calendar, now, must, event!"

Darryl was saying we need an event calendar so we aren't going through this again. 

I said, "I agree." And then went on to say, "The calendar would not have helped in this case, since two of the events came upon us unknown and we just need to make things happen."

I gave him a Jack Links Beef Jerky, it seemed to calm him down a bit.

11 pm, I get a text from Wonder Woman that the bus was safe and sound and the keys were on my desk.

5 am the alarm goes off, and Laurie hits me on the head, I get out of bed.

I go to the office, get the keys, go get the bus, drop off my car, and am in Ridgefield at 8 am. 

You say, "Wait a minute it doesn't take 3 hours to go to the Y, get the bus, and then drive to Ridgefield."

True enough for most people, but this was my morning.

5 am the alarm goes off, Laurie hits me on the head and I get out of bed.

• I stumble through the dark bedroom, hit my big toe on the door jam, and yell ouch. Laurie yells be quiet!
• I go to the kitchen and make my coffee.
• I turn on the news to see the weather.
• I wait impatiently for the coffee to finish.
• I drink my coffee.
• I go to the bathroom (I have socks that explain this process).
• I take a shower.
• I brush my teeth.
• I get dressed.
• I make another cup of coffee for the road.
• I go to the car and realize I forgot my backpack.
• I go back into the house and get my backpack.
• I go back to the car, just to realize I forgot my coffee.
• I go back into the house and get my coffee. 
• I go back to the car, get in, and buckle my seatbelt only to realize I don't have the key.
• I go back into the house and get the key.
• I go back to the car, get in put it in reverse, back out to the road, put it in drive, I look down (I am glad that I did) and see I forgot to put pants on (I am also glad I live in the country). 
• I drive the car back into the driveway and park the car and go into the house and put pants on!
• I go back to the car, get in, buckle my seatbelt, and leave.

Now you know why I got up at 5 am.

I got set up at "The Big Paddle" an event in Ridgefield where all these kayakers and canoe people come and paddle the Lake River, dance, eat, and generally have a great time. 

Padme got us into the event, and we had quite the crowd. Everyone wanted to know where Padme was.

It appears she is very popular in Ridgefield. 

Archibald was with me and we were doing safety around water experiences. 

Laurie showed up and started doing her "sales" thing and the next thing you knew we were overrun with kids and moms. I was busy handing out summer camp flyers, and talking about the "Y."

Laurie is a very good salesperson. 

Darryl brought his handler with him, Claire. She was keeping him under control. 

We watched Laurie do her thing, it was fun to watch.

We even found a Membership Director for Padme. The only problem was she is just 3 years old. She was running around getting kids to come to stick their hands in cold water and play with Legos. She even diligently dried off the Legos with Archibald's towel. She then threw them back into the tub of water, but the intent was still there.

It was a great event, by the time I got home I was pooped, well not pooped, I better find another word. Exhausted comes to mind. An introvert doing extravert things tends to tire one out. 

The Friday events went very well. 

The Saturday event was a big hit. 

I wonder what next weekend will bring?

Do you ever have weekends like this?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Rhapsody Church, the church at the "Y."

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I had a person say to me, "How do I know if I am a muddy boots person and not a fancy shoe person?"

I felt like saying, "You would know if you're a muddy boots person." But that just seemed impersonal and contrite.

I directed them to this video instead.  

Jelly Roll - Son of a Sinner

If you relate to this video, you are a muddy boots person. If not, well, then you're not.

Oh, this song sounds so familiar, my wife cried when she heard it. 

She said, "Promise me you're not there anymore."

I said, "I promise I am not there. And, yet I still am. I'm not looking for ways to get gone anymore, but I'm still a long-haired son of a sinner.)

 But, I know there are people who are and they need a friend."

The part of the song that says:

Talk to God and tell him what I think

At first, He's gonna hate me

But eventually, He'll save me

I had to get pretty desperate to come so clean and vulnerable to Him that I would risk His hate. Hoping all the while that eventually, He would save me.

That is a tough place to be. 

I found that God never hated me. No, it was only me that hated me. 

Do you know what I love about this song? It is so real, so vulnerable, so relatable. 

Do you know what I despise about the American church? It is so fake, so dangerous, so unrelatable. 

I watch muddy boots people step way out of their comfort zone, many times in a last-ditch effort to find God, desperate hurting people, and they are confronted with plastic smiles, ultra-spirituality, people in the pulpit acting as if they have it all together, and if you just act more like me God will love you. 

And then, there I am having conversations with broken, hurt people about how bad Christ is and how they no longer call themselves Christians. 

All I have to say is, "The same things that pisses you off about church pisses me off too."

If the colorful language upsets you, oh well, there is just no other way for me to say it.

Here is a shameless plug. 

Rhapsody Church, the church at the "Y."

If you find yourself in Vancouver Washington on a Sunday morning at 10 am, come on in. 

You won't find plastic smiles.

You won't find ultra-spirituality.

You won't find people up front (we don't have a pulpit, we have a rug though!) acting as if they have it all together.

You will find real, open, authentic people all working through their stuff in community with each other and God is loving on them, and they are loving on God. 

You will see people crying.

You will hear people laughing.

You will see a person get up from their chair (Yes, we use chairs, not pews), walk over to someone, sit down and put their arm around them and hold them while they cry. 

That is the church you will walk into if you ever find yourself in Vancouver, Washington at 10 am on a Sunday morning. 

And if you think I am plugging myself, you're wrong. I am not the pastor, just a long-haired son of a sinner sitting in a chair, sometimes laughing, many times crying, occasionally getting up, walking over to someone else, putting my arms around them, and holding them while they cry. 

Hopefully, I will see you there.

Blessings,

Roger

Muddy boots peeps got more to worry about than how a person laments to God.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Being in open country is a vulnerable place to be.

I know a thing or two about open country, I grew up in Kansas. Kansas is open country, not many trees, not many hills, in fact not many of anything. 

Kansas is so flat that I once watched my dog run away from home for three days!

In open country, there is no place to hide. 

I am in open country, and I can look as far into the future as I want. I can look as far into the past as I want.

I am intentionally staying present in the moment, but this has its realizations too. 

I have to apologize to God.

The song, "Need a Favor" by Jelly Roll comes to mind. 

I only talk to God, when I need a favor

And I only pray when I ain't got a prayer

So who am I, who am I to expect a savior, oh

If I only talk to God when I need a favor?

But, God, I need a favor

Jelly Roll

I cleaned it up a bit, there was a cuss word in there, which I know God is bigger than being offended over, but there might be a fancy shoe person that will. Muddy boots peeps got more to worry about than how a person laments to God. 

This being in open country is good for the soul. It gives it a chance to call out to God and to cleanse itself. 

I had been talking with God most of my life. I would talk with Him about the most mundane things. I wouldn't wait until I needed a favor or wait for something interesting to say. I would talk with Him, and He would talk with me. 

Some people would say tell me I was crazy, and I would respond, "Well, if having a conversation with God is crazy, then I would rather be crazy than live in your sane world."

I have to apologize to My Dad. I  have to tell Him.

I am sorry.
I am sorry that I stopped talking to you about the mundane things.

I am sorry that I got into the habit of asking.

Asking for things.

Asking for outcomes.

Asking for feelings.

I am sorry that I stopped being grateful for the life you have given me.

I am sorry I wanted to end it.

I am sorry I haven't been a good son. 

I will do my best to do better.

I will do my best to talk with you more.

I will do my best to listen better.

I give you full permission to remind of my apology and to call me out. 

Not my will, but your will be done.

Love you!

It is hard to apologize and to own your s_it, I guess that was a muddy boot moment.

I could go on and on with this lament, but there is always tomorrow. I must look to today, this is where life happens.

Blessings,

Roger

  

I have to keep reminding myself that today is where life is.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

This wandering in the open is not as easy as it would seem. 

I have to remain intentional. 

I find that if I just let my mind wander it still tends to either lean to the past or try to run ahead into the distant future. If I don't remain conscious of what I am having my mind work on, it can end up working on things that I never intended it to work on in the first place. 

I can ignore all the signs and end up in trouble. 

I know what you are thinking, "How can you possibly ignore multiple signs or even one sign that warns you of multiple mishaps?"

Well, I am glad you asked. I just happen to have a picture for you.

Laurie and I were with friends (obviously, I don't own a Cadillac SUV) and saw this sign. As you can plainly see, we parked, we stopped, and we stood. I guess the only question that came to my mind was, "Just how are they (the maker of the sign) defining 'at any time'?" 

I just about went on a 30,000-word tirade regarding the phrase "at any time" and the relevance of it to what we are talking about, but I didn't, I am awake to my thoughts at the moment, and am not going to go unconsciously into a thought pattern that will get us way off course:)

I am walking in the open and I can see a long way ahead of me if I choose to look. I can see a long way behind me if I choose to look. If I start to sleepwalk and just let my mind run it will either end up running way ahead or running way back into the past. 

There will be no sleepwalking today. I am enjoying the present. I am going to see many people today at my YMCA and I want to be present to all of them. I want to enjoy my time with them. 

The past is gone and tomorrow will take care of itself.

I have to keep reminding myself that today is where life is. 

Are you enjoying today, or are you letting your mind run way ahead, or way behind? 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

One last thing, "Love them when they are small and they will love you when you are old."

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I had a great weekend, I hope you did as well!

I canoed the Willamette River with my youngest son David Saturday.

There is nothing like spending quality time alone with a person, and the canoe definitely lends itself to creating that space. 

This time it was with my son David. We canoed from Independence to Salem, it only took a couple of hours and the conversation was amazing. 

David hates small talk. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. David can go deep, something I love. David was worried about his dad, I love that too. 

We talked about lots of stuff, but mostly we talked about life. 

I got the opportunity to tell him how proud I was of him and that I'm with him all the way. 

David doesn't have kids yet. We talked about this a bit. I didn't bring it up, he did.

In the midst of the conversation David said, "Dad, I don't want you to take this the wrong way (David is very emotionally savvy and is always prefacing things so he doesn't upset people). I have been thinking about this and one of the big reasons I am afraid of being a dad is that I won't do it as well as you did."

I said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "You were always there for us. No matter how tired you were you always rode bikes with us, or played football or catch with us. Nick (His sister who lives with him) put a hole in the wall, and I remember when I did that as a kid and how you just looked at the hole and said, 'Ok kids let's load up and go to Home Depot, I am going to teach you how to fix a hole in the drywall.' You didn't care that it was 2-days before Christmas and you had the entire youth group over at the house for a youth group party. You loaded the entire group up in two cars and you and Lolo drove us to Home Depot, got the stuff and we patched a hole that night. You made it fun"

I remembered that when Nick put a hole in the wall of my house. I just said, "Ok Nick, let's go to Home Depot."

He went on to say, how many of his friends had parents who just kind of forgot about them or spent their time yelling at them, even in front of their friends.   

I am afraid that I won't do it as good as you did.

I just looked at my son and said, "David, there is a good chance you won't be as good a dad as I am. No, I am pretty sure you will be a whole lot better!" 

I went on to say, "Just look at Brandon, he is blowing me right out of the water. What makes you think that you will be any different?"

Laurie and I have some great kids. 

Dave, Dave, and I spent some real quality time on the river Saturday, we will be spending more time in the near future as Brandon, Levi, David and I will be canoeing the entire river in a few weeks, spending our nights on islands, and having amazing conversations. 

For a guy who could have done just about anything in his life, but only wanted to be a great dad and a good husband, this was music to my ears.

Life is good. 

One last thing, "Love them when they are small and they will love you when you are old."

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Context, it's important

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well. 

The church can be a funny place. I hear all sorts of stuff at church, most of which is unrelated to God. 

I was listening to one of the elders, (I will call him Luke; yes, it is his real name and a story always goes better with a real name.) a guy that is part of the Shepherds Team, a leader in the church, I could go on but once again I hear all sorts of stuff in church, and as I said, most of which is not related to God at all. 

Like this one:

He starts with, "I was in the living room doing guy stuff, (Whatever 'guy stuff' is, he didn't elaborate), and I hear one of my kids (who is in the kitchen with his mother say, "I have goat nipples." 

He then goes on to say, "I heard a pause and then my wife (the kid's mom) says, "Well you might want to get that looked at."

What Luke hadn't bothered to mention yet is that they live on a farm and raise goats; a little known fact about "raising" animals is that you typically have adult animals, young animals, and usually in the spring you have baby animals. When you have baby animals bottle feeding comes to mind. Bottle feeding is an experience in itself, and yes it includes a bottle and low and behold nipples. 

Luke's child was in the kitchen with his mother and she was washing bottles and he had brought the bottle nipples. 

Up until the point where Luke talked about the farm, the whole congregation was wondering just where this story was going. Luke got a big laugh, he is a funny guy. 

We also learned that Luke is a hunk, a hunk of burning love that morning. Once again context is important, but I won't go into that now. I think I will leave that for a later bread!

Context it's important. 

Butterfly moment;

I was with a friend the other day and she looks over and says, "Oh look a  cow."

I say, "Yep."

Then she says, "Oh look a baby calf."

I said, "You are very observant. Have you ever bottle-fed a calf?"

She said, "No."

I said, "You have to be careful, if you aren't paying attention the calf will suck your arm all the up to your elbow in its mouth. When you pull it out it will be covered with that slime they use in alien movies."

She said, "Gross, I don't want to bottle feed a calf."

Back to what we were talking about.

Context. 

I have left the forest. 

I am clearly walking the path out in the open. 

I have the opportunity to look far down the road if I want. I don't want to. It wouldn't be good for me. 

I have the opportunity to gaze into my past if I want to. I don't want to. It wouldn't be good for me. 

I am content to look a bit down the road; glancing into the past just to get context.

I do hear a river up ahead, I wonder if it is the same river that I heard in the forest. I am not worried about it, I will find out soon enough. 

For now, I am just enjoying my walk. 

The funny thing about those tapes in your head, they distort Context. If I was still listening to those tapes there is a good chance I would have gone to the doctor to have my goat nipples looked at. 

It took me a while to unravel and unbind the truth from the lie. 

I don't have goat nipples. No, I have bottles that have bottle nipples. 

Why would I need baby bottles you ask?

Well, it is quite simple really. God asked me., "Do you love me?'

I said, "Yes, you know I love you."

God said, "Feed my sheep."

I love God, so I am feeding His sheep.

Are you feeding anything? If so what are you feeding?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

We need more "Y" people. The world would be better off if we did.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I am definitely coming to a clearing; there is more blue sky showing all the time. I wonder what kind of a clearing it will be, big, small, I cannot tell just yet? 

A thought just crossed my mind. I wonder if I am almost out of the woods? I have this feeling that I am getting close. My traveling companion doesn't seem to look at me with anxiety on her face. She is smiling more, laughing more. I am taking that as a good sign. 

Well, enough wondering about that. If I wonder for too long I will begin to ponder, and pondering has a bad habit of turning into perseverating, which is just another word for staring into the future and seeing mirages. 

Not going to do that. It wouldn't be prudent. 

The path has become flat and easy; not so much uphill, downhill, and sidehill walking. Just a flat path that is a bit straighter and not quite so curvy. 

The past week has been a good week, Darryl and I have driven back and forth to corporate a few times with only a small number of "It's on your side" moments. We have figured out a few organizational issues, and have drawn on the whiteboard, you know the one; it was the whiteboard that Wonder Woman held up because it was too heavy for me and Darryl.  

I sat in my office, which is right by the front desk of our "Y" and watched people. I look at their shoes. Most have muddy boots. On most boots the mud is fresh, some are stuck, a lot of people are trudging, many all alone. There are a few fancy shoe people, but not many. 

The fancy shoe people are funny. They complain about stuff that really doesn't matter, that is unless all your other needs are met and life is good, then I guess a shower head that still drips water when you shut it off is the end of the world! Or the water temperature of the pool is only 85 degrees and not 88 and your whole world collapses. 

You don't hear that kind of stuff from the muddy boot people, they have more on their mind than that. 

There are too many muddy-boot people for me to connect with all by myself. So I have asked for and gotten help. I am getting close to having 20 volunteer chaplains and a number of staff that have come alongside these peeps and walked with them. 

The volunteer chaplains are muddy boot people and so are the staff. 

A Gordon Lightfoot song just popped into my head!

Muddy boot people always seem to know when to call
Muddy boot people don't talk, they listen till they've heard it all
Muddy boot lovers don't lie when they tell you they've been down like you
Muddy boot people don't mind if you cry on a tear or two

I adapted it a bit, in case you hadn't noticed. 

Have I ever mentioned that it is loud in my head?

Do you know what I love about our "Y"? It is the staff. They are so good at handling fancy shoe people so that they feel heard, all the while working with muddy boot people in a way that they don't feel shame for having muddy boots. 

We need more "Y" people. The world would be better off if we did. 

What kind of a person are you? 

Are you who you want to be? 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

There is always a tell.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

We have been walking through the woods for some time now. When I look ahead I am starting to see signs of a clearing. 

You know the feeling, you are walking through the forest and gradually you start to see more sky through the trees; not when you look straight in front of you close to the ground, but when you look up a bit, not way up but at a decent angle toward the sky, you start to see more sky through the canopy, as if there are fewer trees all of a sudden. 

We are definitely coming to a clearing or something. It will be interesting to see what I see.

I am so grateful to have someone who is willing and able to walk with me, as I make my way down this path; I never would have made it this far alone. 

I know I am healing.

I know I am getting better.

I know that I am becoming whole again. 

My heart feels lighter.

My head seems clearer.

My thoughts go up and not down. 

My spidey senses are back. 

If you are wondering what I mean about my spidey senses, it is a term that one of my psychologist friends gave me long ago.

He said, "Roger, God gave you a gift. You have this unique ability to peer into a person, get past the mask, get past the lie, and see the pain that inhabits their soul."

He called it a gift, time will tell how much of a gift it truly was. 

When I talk with people, I can see their pain. Lots of times I see the pain that they won't talk about for a long time. So I have to be patient and wait for when they are either ready to talk about it, or it cannot be held back any longer and the dam bursts with all that "stuff" cascading out like a waterfall. 

For a long time, I wore what I called Teflon armor. 

People would talk with me, and tell me their stuff but it wouldn't stick to me, their stuff would just slide off, like that burnt egg in those stupid infomercials. 

I think one of the reasons I was stuck in the mud was my armor had worn out and things began to stick.  

I needed new armor. 

You don't just go buy this kind of armor. No, you have to forge it yourself. 

One of the things that my companion and I have been doing is working on my armor. 

In the words of Wonder Woman, "Long story, longer."

I say all that just to say, "My spidey senses are back."

People will be talking with me, everything is fine and light. Then they say a word, or their posture shifts, an inflection changes.

There is always a tell. 

My spidey senses go up and I suddenly become more aware of all that is around me. 

I start to see into them, and there it is.

The pain. 

Life is hard.

Everyone has pain.

I tell people, "Life is what happens when we are busy planning life."

I wish we didn't have to have pain, but I know that is unrealistic. 

I guess the best that I could wish for is that when something painful happens to a person they get the help they need while it is still on the surface, where it can be removed more easily, and not let it fester until it is so deep we have to do major surgery to dig it out. 

I had to do major surgery to dig out my pain, I have scars to show for it. 

My wish would be that I was the only one to have to go through it, the surgery was dangerous and painful. I almost died. 

Thanks again to my traveling companion for being with me "All the way."

If you need to talk to someone, don't put it off.

Do you need to talk to someone?

Is there pain in you that is digging deeper?

Take a look inward and ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Darryl's new camp name is T-Bone

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Darryl and I have been carpooling to the corporate office lately. I had originally thought this was a good idea, but recently I have begun to rethink my initial thoughts. 

I think that I mentioned that Darryl has been going through a midlife crisis. He has joined a gym, started a workout routine, gone on a diet, and bought a car; he has even started to trim his beard. 

There is nothing worse than a sasquatch in the middle of a midlife crisis. 

I can't remember the last time I heard a complete sentence from Darryl. 

As I mentioned earlier Darryl and I have been carpooling to the corporate office. Darryl insists that he drive. After all, what good is it to have a midlife crisis car and not drive it?

My traveling companion and I have been having a lot of fun walking through the woods. 

Actually, without my companion, I really don't think I would be where I am today, which is quite a long way from the mud. I haven't looked at the past for quite some time and in fact, haven't even thought about how I could end it all for a while. 

I would say that I am out of the woods, but we all know that I am still in the woods, just walking along, singing a song.

Darryl has been driving me to corporate, or should I say I have somehow not died, as Darryl And I made our way to corporate.

Darryl is very proud of his midlife crisis car. 

When he first told me he got a sports car, I asked him what he bought? 

Darryl said, "I bought a Porsche!"

I replied, "Wow, show me a picture!"

Evidently, Darryl spells Porshe G-O-L-F. 

This will explain a lot very soon.

So Darryl has developed a bad habit of turning left in front of oncoming traffic. When I gasp, he just laughs and says, "It is on your side!" Just last Thursday he did this 3 times on the way to corporate.

I finally make it out of the mud and am far enough down the path that I don't even think of ways to end it all and here is Darryl giving me new ideas. 

Uggg....

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor has decided that we all need camp names. For the longest time, Darryl went with the name Polar Bear. But I am giving him a new Camp name.

Darryl's new camp name is going to be T-Bone. 

Darryl is a good friend and a good traveling companion. He keeps things interesting.

As we walk down the path of life, it is good to know that we have people that we can depend upon. I feel blessed and lucky to have the people in my life that I have. Without them, I am not so sure that I would be here bothering you right now. 

If you have people you can depend on, be grateful, if you don't, find some. Life is not meant to be lived alone. 

Take a look around you and see what you have got.

Are you where you want to be?

Do you want something different?

Do you want something more?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger