The cell door was wide open. Why didn't I just walk through it?

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I know we haven't talked for a while, in fact, it has been around 3-weeks. 

A staff member came into my office and said, "I was thinking about you the other day, and I have decided that you are not like any of the other chaplains I have encountered. She said I was a bit more edgy, real, and relatable. Initially, I wasn't sure how to take this, but she assured me it was a compliment. 

She was right after all, I was edgy actually I was feeling feelings that I had not felt in over 30 years! I had just finished canoeing the Willamette River with my boys and I was in an exceptionally good mood. The fact that my kids want to spend time with me, and go do things like explore a river, sleep on islands, and talk about everything that doesn't include the weather, is an amazing thing to me. 

I know that I am blessed. 

I was back home in my backyard with Laurie. I was recounting the trip, she was asking questions and we were generally having a great time. Music was playing in the background. Laurie had bought a Bose outdoor speaker, and we were listening to our eclectic music that only comes with a Spotify account. 

She asked about our conversations and I told her all the stories that the boys and I had shared. It is funny when your kids grow up and feel comfortable enough to tell you all the crazy stuff they did, but would never tell you in the moment. We had lots of laughs, a few tears, with many I love you's and thanks for going on this trip from everyone in the group. 

Then something strange happened. 

Laurie asked me, I can't recall why at the moment, what music I listened to right before football games when I was waiting in the locker room before we ran on the field. I told her I had a series of songs that would evoke feelings and get me mentally ready to play a violent game. 

I told her that I usually started with "She's a brick house" mostly because of the rhythm of the music. Playing the position that I did (shutdown corner, and free safety, depending on the situation in the game) was like a dance, especially the shutdown corner piece. I would line up nose to nose with the receiver and at the snap of the ball he would make his first move, I in turn would react with mine and we would run down the field doing this dance. He trying to get into position to catch a ball, me getting into position to knock it down or intercept it. So the Commodores "She's a brick house" was the perfect song to listen to while I mimed running backward, crossing over to run sideways, and crossing over again to run flat out in the opposite direction, all the while getting the mental picture of would eventually happen in the game. 

After I had gone through all my pretend cover options I would then turn my focus to the other part of the game; the "I am a better, badder, player than my opponent, and I would listen to Aerosmith's sweet emotion song. For whatever reason it would make me mad. Then finally I would finish it off with Pink Floyd's "The Wall."  By this point, the game is about to start I am completely focused, maybe a bit out of my mind, and ready to pretend I was 6'4" and 245lbs, not 5'9" 190. 

Then Laurie asked about how I got hurt. 

I told her how I was up against an All-American wide receiver so I played shutdown corner the whole game. I was on an island with this guy, The first play of the game I lined up nose to nose with him at the line of scrimmage, and he looked at me and said, "They are throwing me the ball and there is nothing you can do about it." I just looked at him and smiled. The center snapped the ball and I hit this guy so hard that he flew onto his back 2 yards behind the line of scrimmage. I stood over him and said, "It's kind of hard to catch a ball when you are laying on your back." 

He didn't catch a ball until 8 minutes left in the third quarter; that was when I was pile driven into the ground by their left guard and their fullback speared me in the back. He got up yelling, "I got him, coach, I got him!" At the time we were winning 7-0. 

We lost the game 35-7. He caught 5 touchdown passes in a quarter and a half. 

I spent the next week in the hospital bleeding internally. 

The doctors said that I couldn't play anymore. If I took another hit like that I would be on dialysis the rest of my life. 

I was pretty upset.

Then I lost my scholarship; back then it was play or go home. I went home.

I was really upset.

My girlfriend was still at school, I called her up on her birthday. She told me she didn't love me and never did, that I was nothing more than a status symbol to her. I guess she had a pretty low bar if I was a status symbol. 

Now I was just plain angry; not just mad, oh no, this was much worse. I was in touch with my anger in a place where it was dangerous. I was less than, of no worth, sub human. 

Oklahoma State called me up and offered me a scholarship to play for them. I said, "No thank you."

Wyoming called me up and offered me a scholarship, my parents said, "You should take it." So I did. 

It became apparent that I was no longer in the headspace to play, so I quit. 

I was still in touch with my anger though

This anger drove me to the Navy. And this was the anger that somehow had awakened in me. 

This was not a good thing. 

I stayed in this anger for a couple of weeks. 

Finally, one night I was wrestling with God, and I almost threw a hip out doing it (Just a little biblical humor for you). God said something that I wish He would have said, much earlier. 

He said, "I healed you from this anger already, and you are still healed. You chose to go back there, you must choose to come out!"

I said, "What!?"

God replied, "You put yourself in that prison. the cell door is open, just walk out and be free."

So I did. 

The relief was instant, amazing, a palpable. 

I am a happy guy again.  

I was talking to my accountability partner and he said that he could see it, and was glad to have me back. 

We talked for quite a while, he and I. 

I began to wonder, "How many times I have just put myself in that prison cell, all the time the cell door is open and I just wouldn't walk through it.  

Have you ever put yourself in a prison cell and just sat there, the cell door is open but you won't walk through it?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

 

I am taking a break

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I have been trudging with Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor for a bit now. He isn't saying much but I can tell he is getting ready to. I look behind me and suddenly there are gobs and gobs of people in various stages in the mud behind us. In case you are wondering "gobs and gobs" is a technical term for a lot of people. 

My thought goes immediately to, "How am I going to help all these people?"

The "Y" has been extremely busy, which has created a lot of work for this chaplain. In fact, it has created too much work. I have been doing my best to keep up but I obviously haven't been.

The already short staff and all the changes in the "Y" have people wanting my attention all over the association. 

I finally realized this on Friday night. A bunch of us got together at one of our houses and were all enjoying each other's company when suddenly I hit the wall, I was completely exhausted. I left shortly after I hit the wall. 

Something has to give, and it is writing these breads. I am going to take a break for a bit so I can focus more on my peeps. 

I will talk with you later, after things settle down.

Blessings,

Roger

"T" has decided to resign from the YMCA.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I are still trudging through the mud. He has started to open up and start to talk. 

"T" has decided to resign from the YMCA.

Well, actually he has decided to resign from being the COO, he is still the CEO.

People are reacting to this news in a variety of ways, but that isn't what we are talking about right now. 

As we walked through the mud, trudging along, not singing a song, side by side. "T" pondered the following questions:

• Am I in the right place?
• Am I in the right space?

After much pondering, which evidently for "T" means much mumbling as well, he has come to the decision that yes, he is in the right place, just not the right space and that space is being the COO. 

While being a COO may sound like fun, especially for a control freak, not saying that "T" isn't a control freak, oh what the hey, "T" is a control freak, get over it. Being a COO doesn't make him happy. It turns him into "that guy," and he doesn't want to be "that guy." So "T" is giving up the COO and focusing on the CEO part of his job, I think this is a good thing. 

I always told him he makes a great CEO. 

But now the questions are out there.

Others in the organization are beginning to ponder this as well. It will be interesting to see how all this shakes out. 

As we trudge through the mud, I begin to ponder what, "that guy" looks like in my world, what "that guy" would look like for me? 

I don't want to be "that guy."

What "guy" don't I want to be?"

You already know I really dislike "mean people." So obviously I don't want to be a mean person, but what does it mean to be a mean person?

I don't like self-centered people. So, obviously, I don't want to be self-centered, but what does it mean to be self-centered?

My list is beginning to grow and as I ponder I am digging deeper, ever deeper (oops, "T" is in my head) into these questions. Sure, it is easy to define something on the surface level, but as I continue to ask the question "What does it mean?" the "I don't want to be" part of this thought pattern gets trickier and trickier. 

Have you ever thought about this stuff?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Am I in the right place? Am I in the right space?

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I are still trudging through the mud. 

"T" has started talking but I don't think he is talking to me. He seems to be mumbling to himself at the moment. 

He seems to be mumbling, "Am I in the right place? Am I in the right space?" Over and over again. 

I have this mental picture; it is of a couple of flip chart pages stuck to a wall, the wall is your typical YMCA wall with a bunch of inspirational words on it. In my mind, it looks something like this. 

I told you it was loud in my head. 

Anyway "T" and I are trudging along, "T" is mumbling about places and spaces. I am sure he will bring me into his thoughts soon enough. For now, I must be happy with just being that friend that walks beside him as he works through the tapes in his head. 

The enemy is really yelling at him right now. Actually, the enemy isn't yelling at him, he is yelling at 9-year-old "T" the kid that can't fight back. I can see young "T" cowering under the onslaught of verbal abuse. 

I can't help him yet, he won't let me in, but he will, they always do, eventually.  

While we walk, I think about all the lies that the enemy told me, and how those lies made me feel.

I contemplate Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor's mumblings. 

Am I in the right place? I believe that I am, I think I am still relevant and have things of value. 

Am I in the right space, that is is the question? It is not up to me to decide. I have always said that I am here to help, and if that time is over or if something else is needed; then we will have to make a change. 

As I walk with "T" I am at peace. Maybe having my traveling companion following us along the trail helps, maybe so, but the end result is that I am at peace. 

I will continue to contemplate, "Am I in the right place? Am I in the right space?"

Have you ever contemplated this?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Well Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I have started our mud trudge.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Well Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I have started our mud trudge.

I hadn't noticed this before, but walking through somebody else's mud is easier walking than trudging through your own. It could simply be the fact that it doesn't stick to me the same way my own mud did, it could be the fact that all I have to do is look off to my left and there she is, my traveling companion, walking a bit behind us, pulling the canoe along the river, and watching me intently to see if I slip or look like I am struggling.

I have no doubt in my mind that she would drop that canoe and come get me if I did or was. 

We are silent as we walk. 

The only sounds are the white noise of the river, some birds singing, and the ever-present sound of sucking mud. Every step we hear, the sound of mud allowing our boots to slide into it, and then the sound of mud holding fast to our feet, pulling back hard, as we try to pull them free to take another step. 

"T" is looking down at the mud, as if he is afraid to look away from it and it will just completely engulf him like one of those bad horror films where the person steps into quicksand and is quickly swallowed up; at least to their neck, and then taking an excruciating amount of time to slowly, ever so slowly, suck them in the rest of the way.

I am walking right beside him looking at him, waiting, ever so waiting, for him to decide to open up about why we are here. 

If you are wondering why I am using the "ever so" speak, it is because "T" loves to use it, usually in a meditation exercise. Anyone who has ever been in a "T" meditation exercise will know what I mean, if you don't, well you just need to experience one.

As we trudged, "T," lost in his thoughts, I, lost in his thoughts.

God crossed my mind.

I began to wonder how many times God stood beside me, waiting patiently for me to say something. A lament, a question, a praise, a blessing in my life...Just something that He could then enter into with me. 

How often I had blocked Him out, not intentionally, maybe so, blocking Him out all the same, and He waiting patiently for me to bring Him into the conversation. 

I thought, "It takes a very big God to be so patient, so understanding, so loving; especially when you have the devil screaming in your ear the whole time. 

You know who the devil is, he is the, "You're not" voice in your head." 

• You're not smart
• You're not pretty
• You're not good enough
• You're not lovable

I could go on, but you get the jist. 

A lesser god would try to out scream at the devil, not our God, no, He whispers instead. 

He whispers things like:

• You are smart
• You are pretty
• You are good enough
• You are lovable

Mostly He whispers, "Don't worry, I am here with you, all the way."

So I walk next to my friend, remaining silent, waiting for him to invite me in. I know he will when he is ready. I just need to remain present so I don't sleep through the invite. 

How is your walk going today?

Are you walking alone or with someone else? 

Are you walking with someone beside you, or are you walking beside someone else? 

Where are your thoughts today?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

The world fell off its axis, and onto its asses

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

My traveling companion and I were enjoying our ride down the river in our canoe. My original stress and anxiety as I sat in the canoe has faded. The combination of paddling, great conversations, and just being with someone to whom you can relax and let your guard down brings a person peace. For me, it feels as if I am sitting with Jesus. 

When I am sitting with Jesus everything is in the right place, including my mind. 

As I said, we were enjoying our ride, and each other, when out of nowhere my phone rang. 

My first thought was, "Crap, I am back in cell service."

My second thought was, "I wonder who would be calling me?"

My third thought was, "Do I even want to answer it?"

My fourth thought was, "Why am I having all these thoughts?"

I answered the phone, and put it on speaker. It was Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor.

I said, "Hello?" Much in the same way Ron Burgundy says, Ron Burgundy?" I said, "You are on speaker and my traveling companion is here with me, is that ok?"

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor says, "yes."

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor (Which for the remained of this story will be shortened to "T" for obvious reasons) says, "How are you?"

I say, " I'm good."

T- "What is good?"

My fifth thought (I am getting tired of counting thoughts already) is, "Oh this is going to be one of those conversations." In case you are wondering what one of "those conversations" is with me and "T"; it is a conversation with us yelling at each other, asking inane questions to each other, and laughing a lot, because, at the end of the day, we both think we are funny. finally, getting to our "stuff" and talking about that.

I often wonder how many people have a relationship with their CEO that can get away with saying the things that I say to mine?

R- "My knee doesn't hurt and I feel happy."

T- "Why"

R- "Great question."

T- "Because you are on pain meds you idiot."

Have I mentioned our relationship is loving and gentle?

I also don't think I mentioned that I had knee surgery just a few hours ago in the real world. 

T- "Hey, I have been through some of my own challenges and I want to know if you will walk through the mud with me?"

R- "Of course, I will."

T- "I want you to include me in your story."

R- "You do? I will rip your mask off in front of a bunch of people."

T- "I know. The fact that you are brave enough to do it gives me courage, and I want to show others that they can do it too!"

My sixth thought was, "Hmmm...what would the world look like if this becomes a thing? People ripping their masks off in full view of the world; what a crazy, courageous thing."

R- "Ok, I guess we are going to have to meet, talk about things, and then write about us."

T- "Yep."

I turn to my traveling companion and give her my classic look.

She knows the look and says, "It is ok, go help your friend. I will be close by, just in case you get stuck too."

I turn my attention back to "T."

R- "Tell me what happened."

T- "The world fell off its axis, and onto its asses. Technically, it is my world, but to me, my world is the world."

R- "Where are you now?"

T- "Look over to your right."

I look to my right, and there he is; standing in the mud up to his knees. He is stuck!

TC- "Roger, get out of the canoe and help him."

I hesitate, the mud is a scary place to be.

She tips the canoe over, and I fall into the river. 

Have I mentioned my traveling companion is a hard-headed woman and is a real pain in the ___ sometimes?

I pick myself up and look at her. Before I can say anything she says, "I got the canoe and will be right behind you all the way."

I walk over to "T," grab his hand and pull really hard. The familiar sucking sound of mud letting go comes to our ears, and "T" pulls free.

God is a funny duck. While He didn't throw me into my mud just so He could save me to show His greatness. No, in fact, He would have rather I didn't get muddy at all. He is there with me, and if I allow Him to, He will Help me use my experience to help others stuck in the mud.  

Now I am going to help my brother, this should be quite a story.

Stay tuned.

Blessings,

Roger

Oh yes, please pray for Padme and her family. Her father is getting hip replacement surgery today. He is a tough old bird, but he is still a bird, and birds sing when they are happy, and squawk when they are not. My prayer is that the surgery is a complete success, that he comes out stronger and better than when he went in, and that he is pain-free. That the family finds peace and tranquility as they wait in that room in the hospital, I always wondered why they called it a waiting room. Amen  

Talk about a hot mess.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

As Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I trudged through the mud, and my traveling companion walked the path close behind I am still pondering about being "that guy."

I look back at my traveling companion. 

To be honest, I don't like being this far from her for any real length of time. Even though I can see her, it feels different, more distant somehow. It is as if the physical distance has also caused a relational distance. I can feel the pimple of the rearview mirror starting to grow and she isn't there to rip it off. I must be careful not to lose myself as I help my friend. 

In my thoughts, I turn to a training that I am helping someone lead. Currently, we are going through "trust," or more aptly the absence of trust and how to build it.  

We did the usual trust exercises and what not, then I threw them a riseball (if you don't know what a riseball is, then I guess you better watch more women's softball; that's all I have to say about that).

I hung some signs, which said:

• Can we just take off the mask?
• What does it look like to be authentic?
• Can we dare to be vulnerable?
• What does it look like to have someone's back?

We talked intentionally about each of these subjects, and a funny thing happened. 

The masks came off, well mostly. I did notice that some of the more astute mask wearers were wearing masks under their masks. 

During the conversation about wearing masks and invulnerability, one participant said, "If I took off my mask everyone would see what a hot mess I really am and judge me for it." 

I just had to ask, "What does a hot mess mean to you?"

Which she replied, "I feel like I am failing at my job, I got divorced, and I am struggling raising my two boys. If people knew I didn't have my s--t together..."

I just looked at her and laughed.

I said, "H--l, there are times I think I am failing at my job, I got a divorce, I struggled raising my three boys. In fact I have a reoccurring nightmare that my boys and I end up in therapy over something I said when they we 8-years-old, which I don't even remember saying, but it formed them somehow." 

Another participant reached out and said, "We are all struggling, in fact, can we make an agreement to take our masks off and be vulnerable with each other for more than 2-hours a week (meaning, more than just at this training). 

The next thing I knew people were sharing their stuff with one another. It got to the point where the leader had to say, "We don't need to share all our details with everyone." 

I decided to walk the group through the "shame cycle."

After the "Shame Cycle" I took the opportunity to tell a story, Never waste an opportunity to tell a story, I always say. 

I told them that I had a nice conversation with my sister Betty just that morning. We were talking about the Breads and the conversations she was having with people around them. She was talking about taking off her mask. you see Betty has been married a couple of times, and when I mean a couple I mean less than 10. Betty is your proverbial people pleaser. 

Betty actually married a guy just because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. 

Anyway, I was telling the group that my sister had called and we were talking about shame and the tapes that people play in their heads.  

I told the group about Tim Raile, Bob Sperry, and me sitting in Tim's basement when we were 16 years old and Tim said, "We should all get dates!" We had never had dates, which meant we had never asked a girl out, which meant it was scary, at least for me.  

Tim called a girl and she said yes, of course, she did it was Tim Raile for God's sake. Bob Sperry called a girl and she said yes, of course, she said yes, it was Bob Sperry for God's sake. 

Tim asked who I was going to call? I said I think I will call Colleen. 

Tim thought that was a wonderful choice and handed me the phone. 

I looked up her number in the phone book, (you youngsters are going to have to google "phone book" to find out what that is) and dialed her number. when she answered, I hung up without saying a word, you see in all actuality I am a coward. 

I told Bob and Tim that I can't, and they said you have to.

So I said, I know I will call Jenni I think she might go out with me.

I called and asked. 

She said, "Yes."

We all went on our dates.

The next week came around and I thought, I don't want to be like David (David was the classic date every girl in school guy. They all pined over him and were heartbroken when he didn't ask them out again) and date a different girl every week. 

I didn't want to be "That guy."

So I asked Jenni out again.

The next thing you know five or six dates went by and I was stuck, not knowing how to break this thing off without hurting her feelings or looking like a jerk (Which by the way I am pretty good at being now, at least that is what I am told). 

The next thing you know we have been dating for over four-years and talking about marriage.

The next thing you know I get hurt playing football, lose my scholarship and can't go to school. Jenni is at school, I call her up on her birthday and she is with someone else (another football player, go figure), She proceeds to tell me that she didn't love me, and never did, and that I was nothing more than a status symbol to her. 

My first reaction was, "Thank God" and then the tapes started playing. 

I went to the place of being unlovable with those tapes. 

Then I told the group, "You know what was really funny about the whole thing? I did it to myself! I didn't want to go out with Jenni in the first place. No, I was just too scared to ask Colleen out." 

Talk about a hot mess.

Everyone laughed.

So, as I trudge through the mud with "T" I was pondering about "That guy."

While I didn't want to be "That guy." I didn't want to be "That other guy either."

I have decided to keep my mask off to the best of my ability. 

I am sure it will make people uncomfortable.

There is a good chance that I will lose a friend or two along the way.

But I am tired of the masquerade ball and want to go home. 

I hear "T" mumbling something, I had better go pay attention to my friend.

Are you still wearing your mask? And if so why?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger