Good morning,
I pray the day finds you well.
We have been talking about trauma, and in our discussions, we have talked about removing the mask. If you haven't read those breads or are just new to the conversation, I am talking about how we walk around with masks on. It is a metaphorical term that simply means we pretend to be something that we are not, thus we wear a mask to hide who we really believe we are. We could talk about the differences between who we believe we are and how we think others see us, but we will leave that for another day.
When I am counseling someone and they want to shift topics, usually because they don't want to talk about something and are trying to divert the conversation, I will say, "Let's put that in the parking lot, and if we have time, we will come back and visit it later." But for now, let's stay on topic.
It goes something like this.
I will make up a name as all stories go better with a name attached.
I will say, "You knew your decision would upset your partner and cause problems in your relationship. Why didn't you take your partner's feelings into account, or at least have a conversation with him, before you decided to do that?"
Jill, will reply, "I guess I am just a horrible, no-good person."
This is a tactic that usually works for Jill who is trying to control the conversation, because if I respond, "No, you're not a horrible person, no good person, you are a good person..." Now I just went from asking a difficult question and went into "savior" mode, and started trying to make Jill feel better. Thus, Jill who really doesn't think that she is a horrible person, but wants to change the subject has successfully diverted the crucial question.
People behave the way they do because it has always worked for them until it doesn't.
This is how I have learned to stop that behavior. So we can either get to the crux of the problem or the session ends because Jill really doesn't want to do the hard work and refuses to come clean.
I will say, "You knew your decision would upset your partner and cause problems in your relationship. Why didn't you take your partner's feelings into account, or at least have a conversation with him, before you decided to do that?"
Jill, will reply, "I guess I am just a horrible, no-good person."
I then respond with, "Well, maybe you are a horrible, no-good person. I don't know, we can talk about that later, so let's put that in the parking lot and come back to it. But for now, we are focusing on knowing that your decision would upset your partner and cause problems in your relationship. Why didn't you take your partner's feelings into account, or at least have a conversation with him, before you decided to do that?"
In this case, Jill had someone she wanted to spend time with, and not tell her partner about, so she made up a scenario that sounded plausible, but her partner didn't buy it but she decided to do it anyway. Thus, causing a huge blowup actually changing their relationship for the worse, and traumatizing her partner.
None of this would have come out if I had allowed Jill to control the conversation and change direction.
People use this tactic all the time.
Thus, attempting to use diversion to get others to look the other way, so they can hide what they are really doing because they know it is wrong, or they are afraid people will not only not like them, but despise them if they find out who they really are.
I have used this behavior myself.
My inner dialogue, the tapes that play in my head tell me that I am a throwaway boy, living a throwaway life. That I am completely unlovable and do not deserve love.
These are tapes that play because of my lived experience. It started at home with my family of origin, and went through my first girlfriend, first wife, and the girlfriend after my first wife; I brought this trauma into my second marriage, which is why we are in counseling now. I brought this trauma into my work relationships as well.
I got really good at wearing a mask. Nobody knew the tapes that played in my head, and how they affected the way I interacted with the world around me.
When you are a throwaway boy, you are nothing more than a consumable. When people are done with you, you cease to have any value and they throw you away, just like they would a paper cup. So you learn that what you want, need, and desire, doesn't matter, and neither do you.
So I focus on the needs of others because they are more important. And when someone tries to get close, I will divert the conversation, usually through self-deprecating humor, to change the subject and keep the wall up, and the mask on nice and tight.
My trauma counselor tells me that because women of influence during my informative years treated me as a consumable, I have grown to believe that women may fall in love with the idea of me, but never actually fall in love with me. When the fantasy of what they had about me (the idea of me) fades, they lose interest, throw the cup away, and move on.
When a woman became important to me, she ended up having complete control. Because I was a throwaway boy living a throwaway life, I knew that eventually, I would be looking up at the world from a trash can. So I would acquiesce to her demands, let her believe that I believed her when she would lie to me, never really confronting or standing my ground, which let's face it, is not attractive at all and thus creates the scenario of disrespect, and eventually leaving.
My counselor and I are working on these tapes. It is hard work and quite frankly scary work. God only knows what will come out the other side.
When I told Laurie about these tapes and how the trauma counselor and I are working on them, she cried. I told her that I had brought this trauma into our relationship and I am working on releasing this trauma and correcting my behavior, and that I was sorry.
We are working on us now.
As you can see, I have my mask completely removed. Is it scary? Yes, very scary. Am I risking a lot? Yes, I am risking everything.
Why am I doing it?
Remember, people behave the way they do because it has always worked for them until it doesn't.
My behavior isn't working for me anymore. I need to change. I need to learn to love myself enough to actually allow others to love me too.
It is my hope that by sharing my journey, it will allow others who are having a hard time to take the difficult step and work on their stuff as well.
Remember you are worth it.
Something to ponder.
Blessings,
Roger