My Book

My Book

Tuesday, July 8, 2025

A throwaway boy, living a throw away life

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well. 

We have been talking about trauma, and in our discussions, we have talked about removing the mask. If you haven't read those breads or are just new to the conversation, I am talking about how we walk around with masks on. It is a metaphorical term that simply means we pretend to be something that we are not, thus we wear a mask to hide who we really believe we are.  We could talk about the differences between who we believe we are and how we think others see us, but we will leave that for another day. 

When I am counseling someone and they want to shift topics, usually because they don't want to talk about something and are trying to divert the conversation, I will say, "Let's put that in the parking lot, and if we have time, we will come back and visit it later." But for now, let's stay on topic. 

It goes something like this.

I will make up a name as all stories go better with a name attached.

I will say, "You knew your decision would upset your partner and cause problems in your relationship. Why didn't you take your partner's feelings into account, or at least have a conversation with him, before you decided to do that?"

Jill, will reply, "I guess I am just a horrible, no-good person."

This is a tactic that usually works for Jill who is trying to control the conversation, because if I respond, "No, you're not a horrible person, no good person, you are a good person..." Now I just went from asking a difficult question and went into "savior" mode, and started trying to make Jill feel better. Thus, Jill who really doesn't think that she is a horrible person, but wants to change the subject has successfully diverted the crucial question.

People behave the way they do because it has always worked for them until it doesn't.

This is how I have learned to stop that behavior. So we can either get to the crux of the problem or the session ends because Jill really doesn't want to do the hard work and refuses to come clean.

I will say, "You knew your decision would upset your partner and cause problems in your relationship. Why didn't you take your partner's feelings into account, or at least have a conversation with him, before you decided to do that?"

Jill,  will reply, "I guess I am just a horrible, no-good person."

I then respond with, "Well, maybe you are a horrible, no-good person. I don't know, we can talk about that later, so let's put that in the parking lot and come back to it. But for now, we are focusing on knowing that your decision would upset your partner and cause problems in your relationship. Why didn't you take your partner's feelings into account, or at least have a conversation with him, before you decided to do that?"

In this case, Jill had someone she wanted to spend time with, and not tell her partner about, so she made up a scenario that sounded plausible, but her partner didn't buy it but she decided to do it anyway. Thus, causing a huge blowup actually changing their relationship for the worse, and traumatizing her partner. 

None of this would have come out if I had allowed Jill to control the conversation and change direction.

People use this tactic all the time. 

Thus, attempting to use diversion to get others to look the other way, so they can hide what they are really doing because they know it is wrong, or they are afraid people will not only not like them, but despise them if they find out who they really are.

I have used this behavior myself.

My inner dialogue, the tapes that play in my head tell me that I am a throwaway boy, living a throwaway life. That I am completely unlovable and do not deserve love. 

These are tapes that play because of my lived experience. It started at home with my family of origin, and went through my first girlfriend, first wife, and the girlfriend after my first wife; I brought this trauma into my second marriage, which is why we are in counseling now. I brought this trauma into my work relationships as well. 

I got really good at wearing a mask. Nobody knew the tapes that played in my head, and how they affected the way I interacted with the world around me. 

When you are a throwaway boy, you are nothing more than a consumable. When people are done with you, you cease to have any value and they throw you away, just like they would a paper cup. So you learn that what you want, need, and desire, doesn't matter, and neither do you. 

So I focus on the needs of others because they are more important. And when someone tries to get close, I will divert the conversation, usually through self-deprecating humor, to change the subject and keep the wall up, and the mask on nice and tight. 

My trauma counselor tells me that because women of influence during my informative years treated me as a consumable, I have grown to believe that women may fall in love with the idea of me, but never actually fall in love with me. When the fantasy of what they had about me (the idea of me) fades, they lose interest, throw the cup away, and move on.

When a woman became important to me, she ended up having complete control. Because I was a throwaway boy living a throwaway life, I knew that eventually, I would be looking up at the world from a trash can. So I would acquiesce to her demands, let her believe that I believed her when she would lie to me, never really confronting or standing my ground, which let's face it, is not attractive at all and thus creates the scenario of disrespect, and eventually leaving. 

My counselor and I are working on these tapes. It is hard work and quite frankly scary work. God only knows what will come out the other side. 

When I told Laurie about these tapes and how the trauma counselor and I are working on them, she cried. I told her that I had brought this trauma into our relationship and I am working on releasing this trauma and correcting my behavior, and that I was sorry.

We are working on us now.

As you can see, I have my mask completely removed. Is it scary? Yes, very scary. Am I risking a lot? Yes, I am risking everything. 

Why am I doing it? 

Remember, people behave the way they do because it has always worked for them until it doesn't.

My behavior isn't working for me anymore. I need to change. I need to learn to love myself enough to actually allow others to love me too. 

It is my hope that by sharing my journey, it will allow others who are having a hard time to take the difficult step and work on their stuff as well. 

Remember you are worth it.

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger


Monday, July 7, 2025

For me, trauma is like a boiling frog

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I'd like to talk about something with you.

I have been going to counseling. In fact, I have been in counseling for quite a while. You see, I always knew that I had trauma in my life, first in the military, and then as a chaplain. I have both seen things and have come alongside people who have been traumatized by something. 

My running joke had always been, "I have been a chaplain for twenty years. I have spent the last twenty years traumatizing myself." 

For me, trauma was like a boiling frog. You know the analogy, "If you put a frog in boiling water it will jump right out, but if you put a frog in cool water and slowly bring it to a boil, it will just sit there until it dies." Trauma had been just like that for me. I am told that I have very good coping skills, and I would use those skills when confronted with trauma. I was the guy you wanted in an emergency. While everyone else was freaking out, I was calm and looking for solutions, at least on the outside. After the problem was solved, a solution was made, and everyone else was calming down, I would find a quiet corner and let it out, usually in the form of my body shaking, and a good cry. Nobody ever saw it, so nobody ever knew. In fact, I can count on one hand everyone who ever saw me cry, you had to be a very safe person for me to show that side of me.

Back to the frog.

Towards the end of my time at the "Y" my trauma bucket had filled up, pretty much to the top. Things were getting sticky. What I mean by that is I always told people who would come to my office, sit in my chair, and spill their guts that I was like Teflon. They could shed whatever it was that was bothering them on me and it would slide right off. Well, toward the end, it wasn't sliding anymore. Someone would share a disaster in their life and it would stick to me; this became a problem. If you get immersed in the person's issue, you then become part of the problem instead of the solution. 


I'm that chaplain who collected Psy-Ds as friends. You see, I always knew my limits, something that I wish more pastors would figure out for themselves. Many of the people that I saw, had started by talking to their pastor. While the pastor may be a good preacher/teacher, this fact does not automatically make them a counselor and they don't know when the problem is more than they were trained for. In fact, many have the Messiah complex, which is that they believe they can fix anything. The next thing you know the person was in front of me. I would assess the situation and many times I would refer them to a specific counselor or psychologist (Psy-D). So over the years, I collected a variety of them, Clinical, Behavioral, Trauma...I never knew how handy this would become or how much I would need it.


I am glad that I have these people in my life and that they are both willing and able to help me process the things that continue to haunt me. 


I guess I wanted to tell you this to say that, if you are struggling with something, it is ok to admit it and to go find help. By the way, you are not alone. I know the little voice in your head will tell you nobody will understand and all you will get is judged, but that simply is not the case. 


I have yet to meet anyone, who has lived life into adulthood and has come through totally unscathed. If they tell you they have, the truth is not in them, or they are so self-unaware that they are actually dangerous to be around. 


We will talk more about this in the coming days, but think about it.


Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger


Thursday, July 3, 2025

Life is what happens when you are busy planning life.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Life is what happens when you are busy planning life.


I was walking around one of the local lakes this morning after my workout. I'm retired, and I have time to walk around a lake after a workout.


Anyway, I was walking around the lake, pondering. Or was I pondering as I walked around a lake? Maybe, I will have to ponder where pondering goes in the sentence. Pondering can be quite dangerous, as it can lead to rabbit holes, and I end up in an Alice in Wonderland thought exercise.


As I walked, I started pondering the Book of Job.


Actually, the pondering started around my recent dermatology episode. I have had a number of well-wishers express concern and sympathy for the possibility of what might happen, or not. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers, but I was not pondering that as I walked around a lake.


I was pondering Job, how life happens when you are busy planning life.


You see, Job was busy planning life, building wealth, and security for his family. He seemed to be a guy who worried a lot. When his kids would have a party, he would pray to God for protection and forgiveness of the things that they might have done, things that Job didn't even know that they would have done, but just to cover his bases, he would perform a sacrifice for purification. Everything seemed to be going along just fine when all of a sudden, a series of calamities happened.


  1. Some people stole all the oxen and donkeys, and killed all the servants but one so he could tell Job what happened.
  2. Then fire came down from the sky and killed all the sheep and the servants who were watching them; only one escaped to tell Job.
  3. Then some other people came and stole all his camels and put those servants to death, all but one, so he could tell Job.
  4. Then all his children were killed by a huge wind.

Job was having a very bad day, but wai,t there is more.


  1. Sometime in the near future, all the book said is "another day." Job is afflicted with sores all over his body.
  2. His wife looks at him and says, "Why don't you curse God and die?"

Here, Job was planning life one day, and within a few days, everything was gone. And he was covered with sores.


I was pondering this while I walked.

I was pondering this when I stopped to take a drink of water.

I was pondering this while I almost got run over by a mountain bike (A nice on your left would have been nice, just sayin).


As I walked, I began recounting my life and how the trajectory looked more like a tree with many branches than a single straight line. If you want to have a good picture of a straight line, drive either I-70 in Kansas or I-80 in Nebraska. You can literally drive through the entire state without going through a curve. Now that is a straight line.


I told you pondering can be dangerous. I ended up back in Kansas for a moment.


Oh yes, the tree branch thing.

Here are some branches.


My sister had called me from a bar, and I went to meet her. Only to be confronted by some guy in uniform who wanted to beat me up, and I ended up in the Navy. I didn't see that one coming.


Or the time I was having a very nice day, and then went to the hospital for some tests, only to be admitted and wake up the next morning after emergency surgery to see the word "Lymphoma" on my wall chart. I thought to myself, that is a very big word, and it doesn't sound good. It was both a very big word and it wasn't good. I didn't see that one coming either.


Life is what happens when you are busy planning life.


When I look at life and the fact that if you live long enough, things go wrong, your warranty runs out, parts break, things go wrong.


When I look at my life, and the things that have happened, like a replaced shoulder, a replaced ankle, both of which come in handy at the airport. I always get patted down by TSA. If they do a really good job, I'll tip them a buck. One time, they did such an exceptional job, I asked if I could go through the line again!


What if I lose an eye? Yes, that would suck, but my kids are alive, my wife loves me, I don't have sores all over my body. I will still be able to walk around a lake and ponder things.


In the end, it is a matter of perspective.


So there.


Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger