Battling homelessness is like any good loving relationship.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

We have been talking about some pretty heavy stuff lately. I hope I am not causing trauma in you by us talking about it.

I want to talk about something else today, something a little lighter.

Homelessness. More aptly, homelessness and how the YMCA is doing its part to combat it.

I was talking with a friend, I know, you are going to say, "You have a friend?" Yes, I have a friend. I used to have two, but that is a story for another day.

He was talking about these organizations and philanthropic groups that have the idea stuck in their heads that we can build our way out of homelessness. The reason people are homeless is the fact that there is no affordable housing in our region. Their idea is that if we only build affordable housing the problem will be solved. There is actually a lot of money being thrown in this direction. While that may be the case, housing prices being too high may be a contributor.

People with money can be so out of touch.

There is no way we can outbuild the homeless problem. Do you know that other states actually bus their homeless people to our region because we have so many services? You can't outbuild a problem that if you just bring in another service/program, states will send even more people.

Anyone who has actually worked with homeless people knows that the problem starts in childhood.

Yes, there are those who became homeless because they lost their job. Or because they got hooked on drugs or alcohol. There are a lot of reasons people become homeless.

But here is the big one. Most homeless people became homeless by running away from abuse. They didn't even start using drugs until they became homeless and started using to self-medicate because they were homeless. Most homeless people have very high ACE scores, Adverse Childhood Experiences.

While a portion of the population became homeless because of loss of job, addiction, and unaffordable housing, a majority of homeless adults started as homeless kids.

This is where the Y, your Y comes in.

We offer a variety of programs designed to combat homelessness, but you just don't see it at first glance.

Let's go through a few, shall we?

Unaffordable Housing:

Picnic in the Park. This is a program that actually started because of the need to provide food to kids at risk for hunger during the summer months when the schools are out, and the hot lunch program goes away. What we quickly learned was that it was more than just kids who were hungry. And, there were more types of hunger than we thought. We were also fighting loneliness and social isolation. You see, when a mom doesn't have to choose between paying rent and feeding her children she can stay in the housing she is currently in. When people from all walks of life come together and form a community that they previously never thought existed, help comes in the form of neighbor helping neighbor. I'm talking about more than food now, These people come together over a meal, Picnic in the Park, become friends and the next thing you know they are helping each other out. Sharing clothing when their kids grow out of it, and receiving those clothes as their children grow into them. Watching each other's kids so that daycare becomes less expensive and less of an issue. Social and emotional support. So often we may be really good at one thing but horrible at another. Take building and maintaining a budget. This alone could drive someone to homelessness just because they don't do this well. Someone in the Park (I will use this analogy) might be really good at budgeting and will help their neighbor out. This same person may not be very good at sourcing affordable nutritious meals, while the person who is not good at the budget is very good at meals. Bringing these people together opens a door that was not seen before.

Abuse:

The YMCA battles child abuse every day. I cannot tell you how many stories I have been told by adults who said, "The Y was my safe space." They would go to the Y to hide from their abuser. Every one of these people telling these stories held down jobs, owned homes, and were functioning members of society.

Our camp staff and Y-time staff are trained to spot behaviors and work with these kids. Oftentimes they are the ones calling the authorities to report abuse. Don't believe me just ask some staff who work with kids, you will find out. I often tell the Youth staff that they may be the only person showing that kid healthy love all day. Their job is very important.

Addiction:

The Y has many partners and collaborates with many other organizations that will help those battling with addiction as they work on themselves at the Y. The Y has support groups, I like to call them micro-communities, that give people a place to belong.

You see, battling homelessness is more than just trying to outbuild it. Battling homelessness is like any good loving relationship. A good loving relationship isn't just one big thing, it is a lot of little things adding up to a big beautiful loving relationship. A relationship that can change a kid, a family, a community; a relationship that can change the world.

The next time you walk into your Y try looking at it with a fresh set of eyes. I think you will see it differently, I think you will see a beautiful thing.

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

A throwaway boy, living a throw away life

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well. 

We have been talking about trauma, and in our discussions, we have talked about removing the mask. If you haven't read those breads or are just new to the conversation, I am talking about how we walk around with masks on. It is a metaphorical term that simply means we pretend to be something that we are not, thus we wear a mask to hide who we really believe we are.  We could talk about the differences between who we believe we are and how we think others see us, but we will leave that for another day. 

When I am counseling someone and they want to shift topics, usually because they don't want to talk about something and are trying to divert the conversation, I will say, "Let's put that in the parking lot, and if we have time, we will come back and visit it later." But for now, let's stay on topic. 

It goes something like this.

I will make up a name as all stories go better with a name attached.

I will say, "You knew your decision would upset your partner and cause problems in your relationship. Why didn't you take your partner's feelings into account, or at least have a conversation with him, before you decided to do that?"

Jill, will reply, "I guess I am just a horrible, no-good person."

This is a tactic that usually works for Jill who is trying to control the conversation, because if I respond, "No, you're not a horrible person, no good person, you are a good person..." Now I just went from asking a difficult question and went into "savior" mode, and started trying to make Jill feel better. Thus, Jill who really doesn't think that she is a horrible person, but wants to change the subject has successfully diverted the crucial question.

People behave the way they do because it has always worked for them until it doesn't.

This is how I have learned to stop that behavior. So we can either get to the crux of the problem or the session ends because Jill really doesn't want to do the hard work and refuses to come clean.

I will say, "You knew your decision would upset your partner and cause problems in your relationship. Why didn't you take your partner's feelings into account, or at least have a conversation with him, before you decided to do that?"

Jill,  will reply, "I guess I am just a horrible, no-good person."

I then respond with, "Well, maybe you are a horrible, no-good person. I don't know, we can talk about that later, so let's put that in the parking lot and come back to it. But for now, we are focusing on knowing that your decision would upset your partner and cause problems in your relationship. Why didn't you take your partner's feelings into account, or at least have a conversation with him, before you decided to do that?"

In this case, Jill had someone she wanted to spend time with, and not tell her partner about, so she made up a scenario that sounded plausible, but her partner didn't buy it but she decided to do it anyway. Thus, causing a huge blowup actually changing their relationship for the worse, and traumatizing her partner. 

None of this would have come out if I had allowed Jill to control the conversation and change direction.

People use this tactic all the time. 

Thus, attempting to use diversion to get others to look the other way, so they can hide what they are really doing because they know it is wrong, or they are afraid people will not only not like them, but despise them if they find out who they really are.

I have used this behavior myself.

My inner dialogue, the tapes that play in my head tell me that I am a throwaway boy, living a throwaway life. That I am completely unlovable and do not deserve love. 

These are tapes that play because of my lived experience. It started at home with my family of origin, and went through my first girlfriend, first wife, and the girlfriend after my first wife; I brought this trauma into my second marriage, which is why we are in counseling now. I brought this trauma into my work relationships as well. 

I got really good at wearing a mask. Nobody knew the tapes that played in my head, and how they affected the way I interacted with the world around me. 

When you are a throwaway boy, you are nothing more than a consumable. When people are done with you, you cease to have any value and they throw you away, just like they would a paper cup. So you learn that what you want, need, and desire, doesn't matter, and neither do you. 

So I focus on the needs of others because they are more important. And when someone tries to get close, I will divert the conversation, usually through self-deprecating humor, to change the subject and keep the wall up, and the mask on nice and tight. 

My trauma counselor tells me that because women of influence during my informative years treated me as a consumable, I have grown to believe that women may fall in love with the idea of me, but never actually fall in love with me. When the fantasy of what they had about me (the idea of me) fades, they lose interest, throw the cup away, and move on.

When a woman became important to me, she ended up having complete control. Because I was a throwaway boy living a throwaway life, I knew that eventually, I would be looking up at the world from a trash can. So I would acquiesce to her demands, let her believe that I believed her when she would lie to me, never really confronting or standing my ground, which let's face it, is not attractive at all and thus creates the scenario of disrespect, and eventually leaving. 

My counselor and I are working on these tapes. It is hard work and quite frankly scary work. God only knows what will come out the other side. 

When I told Laurie about these tapes and how the trauma counselor and I are working on them, she cried. I told her that I had brought this trauma into our relationship and I am working on releasing this trauma and correcting my behavior, and that I was sorry.

We are working on us now.

As you can see, I have my mask completely removed. Is it scary? Yes, very scary. Am I risking a lot? Yes, I am risking everything. 

Why am I doing it? 

Remember, people behave the way they do because it has always worked for them until it doesn't.

My behavior isn't working for me anymore. I need to change. I need to learn to love myself enough to actually allow others to love me too. 

It is my hope that by sharing my journey, it will allow others who are having a hard time to take the difficult step and work on their stuff as well. 

Remember you are worth it.

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

For me, trauma is like a boiling frog

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I'd like to talk about something with you.

I have been going to counseling. In fact, I have been in counseling for quite a while. You see, I always knew that I had trauma in my life, first in the military, and then as a chaplain. I have both seen things and have come alongside people who have been traumatized by something. 

My running joke had always been, "I have been a chaplain for twenty years. I have spent the last twenty years traumatizing myself." 

For me, trauma was like a boiling frog. You know the analogy, "If you put a frog in boiling water it will jump right out, but if you put a frog in cool water and slowly bring it to a boil, it will just sit there until it dies." Trauma had been just like that for me. I am told that I have very good coping skills, and I would use those skills when confronted with trauma. I was the guy you wanted in an emergency. While everyone else was freaking out, I was calm and looking for solutions, at least on the outside. After the problem was solved, a solution was made, and everyone else was calming down, I would find a quiet corner and let it out, usually in the form of my body shaking, and a good cry. Nobody ever saw it, so nobody ever knew. In fact, I can count on one hand everyone who ever saw me cry, you had to be a very safe person for me to show that side of me.

Back to the frog.

Towards the end of my time at the "Y" my trauma bucket had filled up, pretty much to the top. Things were getting sticky. What I mean by that is I always told people who would come to my office, sit in my chair, and spill their guts that I was like Teflon. They could shed whatever it was that was bothering them on me and it would slide right off. Well, toward the end, it wasn't sliding anymore. Someone would share a disaster in their life and it would stick to me; this became a problem. If you get immersed in the person's issue, you then become part of the problem instead of the solution. 

I'm that chaplain who collected Psy-Ds as friends. You see, I always knew my limits, something that I wish more pastors would figure out for themselves. Many of the people that I saw, had started by talking to their pastor. While the pastor may be a good preacher/teacher, this fact does not automatically make them a counselor and they don't know when the problem is more than they were trained for. In fact, many have the Messiah complex, which is that they believe they can fix anything. The next thing you know the person was in front of me. I would assess the situation and many times I would refer them to a specific counselor or psychologist (Psy-D). So over the years, I collected a variety of them, Clinical, Behavioral, Trauma...I never knew how handy this would become or how much I would need it.

I am glad that I have these people in my life and that they are both willing and able to help me process the things that continue to haunt me. 

I guess I wanted to tell you this to say that, if you are struggling with something, it is ok to admit it and to go find help. By the way, you are not alone. I know the little voice in your head will tell you nobody will understand and all you will get is judged, but that simply is not the case. 

I have yet to meet anyone, who has lived life into adulthood and has come through totally unscathed. If they tell you they have, the truth is not in them, or they are so self-unaware that they are actually dangerous to be around. 

We will talk more about this in the coming days, but think about it.

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Life is what happens when you are busy planning life.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Life is what happens when you are busy planning life.

I was walking around one of the local lakes this morning after my workout. I'm retired, and I have time to walk around a lake after a workout.

Anyway, I was walking around the lake, pondering. Or was I pondering as I walked around a lake? Maybe, I will have to ponder where pondering goes in the sentence. Pondering can be quite dangerous, as it can lead to rabbit holes, and I end up in an Alice in Wonderland thought exercise.

As I walked, I started pondering the Book of Job.

Actually, the pondering started around my recent dermatology episode. I have had a number of well-wishers express concern and sympathy for the possibility of what might happen, or not. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers, but I was not pondering that as I walked around a lake.

I was pondering Job, how life happens when you are busy planning life.

You see, Job was busy planning life, building wealth, and security for his family. He seemed to be a guy who worried a lot. When his kids would have a party, he would pray to God for protection and forgiveness of the things that they might have done, things that Job didn't even know that they would have done, but just to cover his bases, he would perform a sacrifice for purification. Everything seemed to be going along just fine when all of a sudden, a series of calamities happened.

1. Some people stole all the oxen and donkeys, and killed all the servants but one so he could tell Job what happened.
2. Then fire came down from the sky and killed all the sheep and the servants who were watching them; only one escaped to tell Job.
3. Then some other people came and stole all his camels and put those servants to death, all but one, so he could tell Job.
4. Then all his children were killed by a huge wind.

Job was having a very bad day, but wai,t there is more.

1. Sometime in the near future, all the book said is "another day." Job is afflicted with sores all over his body.
2. His wife looks at him and says, "Why don't you curse God and die?"

Here, Job was planning life one day, and within a few days, everything was gone. And he was covered with sores.

I was pondering this while I walked.

I was pondering this when I stopped to take a drink of water.

I was pondering this while I almost got run over by a mountain bike (A nice on your left would have been nice, just sayin).

As I walked, I began recounting my life and how the trajectory looked more like a tree with many branches than a single straight line. If you want to have a good picture of a straight line, drive either I-70 in Kansas or I-80 in Nebraska. You can literally drive through the entire state without going through a curve. Now that is a straight line.

I told you pondering can be dangerous. I ended up back in Kansas for a moment.

Oh yes, the tree branch thing.

Here are some branches.

My sister had called me from a bar, and I went to meet her. Only to be confronted by some guy in uniform who wanted to beat me up, and I ended up in the Navy. I didn't see that one coming.

Or the time I was having a very nice day, and then went to the hospital for some tests, only to be admitted and wake up the next morning after emergency surgery to see the word "Lymphoma" on my wall chart. I thought to myself, that is a very big word, and it doesn't sound good. It was both a very big word and it wasn't good. I didn't see that one coming either.

Life is what happens when you are busy planning life.

When I look at life and the fact that if you live long enough, things go wrong, your warranty runs out, parts break, things go wrong.

When I look at my life, and the things that have happened, like a replaced shoulder, a replaced ankle, both of which come in handy at the airport. I always get patted down by TSA. If they do a really good job, I'll tip them a buck. One time, they did such an exceptional job, I asked if I could go through the line again!

What if I lose an eye? Yes, that would suck, but my kids are alive, my wife loves me, I don't have sores all over my body. I will still be able to walk around a lake and ponder things.

In the end, it is a matter of perspective.

So there.

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Day 7 of my Retirement

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Well, it is day seven of my retirement. I'm not sure what to make of it yet, I'm not sure I like it, but then again, I'm not sure that I don't. Let's go through my first week, shall we?

Monday, I woke up at 4:30 am, did my journaling, made my two eggs, I like dippy eggs; those are eggs with the yoke still runny, I call them dippy eggs. Now you know what I'm talking about when I say I made dippy eggs. And I drank my protein drink. I am supposed to have, oh, I almost forgot! Before I eat any meal, I have to drink 8oz of water with two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in it. I'm not really sure why I have to drink this. I have a thought that it is only so that it makes everything taste nasty, and you don't eat much. Anyway, I am supposed to have 40 grams of protein for each meal. I am to eat three meals within 8 hours and no snacking in between. I ate my eggs and drank my drinks. I made a pot of coffee, which is new since I retired. I now have time to make coffee. I got dressed. 

One would have thought I would have put on clothes to make breakfast, but I didn't. I'm retired. 

I then went to the gym and worked out for two hours. After coming home from the gym, I thought, Why did I hurry? I don't have anything pressing. I could be like the other old guys who sit around and complain that the water is 2 degrees too cold and then chase after the young ladies with their walkers to get a hug. 

I will have to remember to work on that, and yes, I will need to get a walker just for the effect.

Tuesday, same thing, but added swimming. 

Wednesday, Same thing, but added cancer of the face later in the day. Evidently, it is in a bad location,n and I might lose my left eye. Welcome to day three of retirement.

Thursday, Same thing, but added two cords of wood that needed to be stacked.

Friday, what did I do Friday? I guess that is part of retirement, not remembering what you did two days ago. 

Saturday, I started to stack the wood and then remembered it was my anniversary. I took a shower and gave Laurie a piece of wood, man, I am romantic!

On Sunday, I went to stack wood, and Laurie said that my eye was swollen. I said, "Of course it is, you punched me in the eye when I gave you your anniversary present." Did I mention that Laurie is retired, too? She can't remember anything either.  She said no, it looks infected. I went to urgent care, but they were closed. I guess their idea of urgent is different than mine.

 I have an appointment for Monday morning. 

My dad, who has been retired for 30 years, tells me I need to learn to pace myself. His idea of pacing himself is to put on a sock and take a nap. Put on the other sock and take another nap. 

I'm not sure I'm there yet.

I am not sure what the doctor thinks of me. 

When he was looking over my body, He was a dermatologist. He was checking everywhere, having me lift my leg, and stuff like that. I should have been more uncomfortable sitting there in my underpants with him and a nurse in the room. I wasn't, I'm the guy who makes breakfast in his undies, and after eleven surgeries, you kind of lose your inhibitions when it comes to being undressed in front of medical staff. 

He was going along, saying everything was looking great. then he got to my face and said, "Crap." When a doctor says, "Crap." that never is a good thing. I said, "Thanks, doc, I know I'm ugly, but you should be more professional." He didn't even pay attention to me and told the nurse I had a Basal Melopnuematic blopia ma jig. I don't know he used some 65-cent word that evidently means "bad" cancer, and the location made it worse, just under my left eye. He said, "This kind of cancer has tendrils, which are slender threadlike appendages, often growing in a spiral form, that stretch out and twine around any suitable support. 

I asked, "What does this mean?" 

He said that they have to do surgery and cut until they get good margins. You might lose your left eye."

I asked, "Just how far will they have to cut?" 

He said, "I can't say. Other than your eye, do you have any concerns?"

I said, "Yes, you see, I'm a hand model. They won't have to take my hand, will they?"

As I said,  I am not sure what the doctor thinks of me. 

Here is where things get real for me. I could go all woe is me and stuff, but my dad always said, "Roger, you don't have to look very far to see somebody who has it worse than you."

And he is right. As a Chaplain, I have seen more than my share of bad stuff. 

Even if I lose my eye, I'm not going to cry about it. I think you need an eye to cry anyway.

As tough as the news was to hear, I'm just glad I have God to lean on.

Something to ponder.

Roger

We will never know.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

It seems like yesterday, well maybe the day before, that I first started working at the YMCA in 2006. The years have flown by and all of a sudden I am at the end. I will be retiring on June 20th, 2025. 

Words cannot express my gratitude and deep appreciation for each and every one of you. Being allowed to work alongside you has been an honor and a humbling experience. 

Over the years we have had our share of challenges and successes. We have watched our association sell off assets, and we have lived through four CEOs, along with numerous executive-level leaders. We lived through Covid, we lived through four different presidents along with many other politicians. All while continuing to do good work and make positive impacts in our communities.

I have been pondering my time at the Y and all the good work we have done. So often I have heard how many swim lessons we have given, or how many meals we have served. We have talked about how many kids we have had in our summer camps and after-school enrichment camps. How many lives have been improved by our active older adult classes? But I would like to suggest a different point of view, a different perspective if you will.

Have you ever pondered this: We will never know.

We will never know how many kids did not drown because we gave out free swim lessons. A skill these kids would never have had if we didn’t do this for free, simply because their parents/guardians could not afford it. 

We will never know how many kids and families did not suffer the pangs of hunger because we gave them something to eat. 

We will never know how many kids didn't have something bad happen to them after school in the time between being released from school and their parents coming home from work because we took care of them during the time in between. 

We will never know how many older adults did not die an earlier death simply because we had active older adult classes. 

We will never know how many people did not commit suicide because we battled loneliness and social isolation through our programs.

We will never know how many people are not only still alive but thriving because we gave them a place to belong. 

We will never know.

I know there are some of you out there thinking, "Roger don't be so dramatic. I'm sure that most of those people would be just fine anyway." Well, if you want to find out, just stop providing all those programs and watch the numbers rise. Listen to the grieving parent talk about the child they won't be able to hold anymore. Listen to the caregiver talk about finding their elderly parent dead on the floor in the living room. Hear the stories of families becoming homeless because they had to choose between food for their kids and paying rent. 

Oh Roger, there you go again being all dramatic again.

Maybe so, but I do have to ask the question; Am I the only chaplain who has done a welfare check and found an elderly person dead on their floor. Am I the only chaplain who sat with a grieving mother after she found out her daughter had drowned? Am I the only chaplain consoling a family after their loved one committed suicide?

Where do you think these programs came from, thin air? No, they came out of a need that was not being filled in the community.

The YMCA did this. 

You did this. 

You are the YMCA, never forget that. 

And never forget the importance of your work and your mission.

I am at the sunset of my career, you still have a mission to accomplish, and it is this.

To put the Christian principles of love, Respect, Honesty, responsibility, and Service into practice through programs that build a healthy spirit, mind, and body for all.

I am retiring, but I know I am leaving an organization that I love in the best hands there are, and those hands belong to you.

Till we meet again.

Roger