Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor called me out!

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Just so we are clear on one thing; this is going to be an ongoing multi-blog post, a running thought stream, of where I am at, where I have been, and hopefully, where I am going. 

So, if this is not what you signed up for, you have the opportunity to leave now. I would hate for you to get to the end of this blog and go, "Well, I wasn't expecting that!"

Well actually, it is quite likely that you will get to the end of this blog and say, "Well, I wasn't expecting that!" anyway. 

I am writing all of this, in hopes of helping others that may feel the same way. I am writing this so that hopefully others will not feel so alone.

I am mostly writing this because I know it drives Frederick the Great nuts to read this stuff!

I have been suicidal for a long time. 

The fact that I have suicidal ideation does not mean I am going to "off myself " anytime soon. 

I have been depressed and sad for quite a while, and as these blogs go on I will unpack what I mean by "sad" and "depressed."

I was sitting in a bar, an Irish bar as a matter of fact with Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor. We discussed my performance objectives and some new things he would like me to take on this year. 

Anyone who has ever sat through a discussion with Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor concerning performance objectives and what he would like you to take on for the coming year understands why I would be suicidal. 

Actually, Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I get along quite well and have an open and honest dialogue. He calls me out on my stuff and I am more than happy to return the favor with him.

We were busy having wine and discussing my suicidal tendencies.

I know what you are thinking, "Oh I bet that was a riveting discussion, in fact, this blog is making me depressed." 

We finally got to the point where I admitted that I did not love or even like myself; I was "unlovable." 

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor looked at me for a moment and said, "You are nothing more than a hypocrite! Here you are, running around talking about the love of Christ, and how God loves you, and you don't even think that He loves you! Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

He went on to say, "If that is how you truly feel, why don't you just "off yourself" right now?"

I said, "I can't"

He said, "Because?"

I replied, "I don't want to hurt my family."

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor came back with, "That is so much bullshit. Don't put this on them. Don't ever put this on anyone else. This is all you!"

Now, I must admit that I sleep through most of what Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor says. He is a babbler, but this made me sit up and take notice.

I had never thought of it in those terms before. 

He said, "Roger you are a very smart man."

To which I replied, "No, I am not paying for your drink."

He just gave me that Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor look and said, "What is the real reason you are still here."

I went back and forth with him for some time before I came to the realization that in fact, I do love myself and that I am loveable. 

Am I still suicidal? Maybe, but I now see where the tapes that played in my head were really messing with me. 

I realized that I had been stuck in the mud. In the mud of lies that I told myself and that I had chosen to believe.

I am no longer stuck in the mud, but I do have muddy boots. 

I looked at Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and saw he had muddy boots too! 

I will look for people with muddy boots; they can help!

As I walk through this next Dance with God I know the dance floor will get dirty. When you dance with muddy boots you tend to leave a bit of a mess.

Thanks for listening, you are helping me.

Blessings,

Roger