Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor called me out!

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Just so we are clear on one thing; this is going to be an ongoing multi-blog post, a running thought stream, of where I am at, where I have been, and hopefully, where I am going. 

So, if this is not what you signed up for, you have the opportunity to leave now. I would hate for you to get to the end of this blog and go, "Well, I wasn't expecting that!"

Well actually, it is quite likely that you will get to the end of this blog and say, "Well, I wasn't expecting that!" anyway. 

I am writing all of this, in hopes of helping others that may feel the same way. I am writing this so that hopefully others will not feel so alone.

I am mostly writing this because I know it drives Frederick the Great nuts to read this stuff!

I have been suicidal for a long time. 

The fact that I have suicidal ideation does not mean I am going to "off myself " anytime soon. 

I have been depressed and sad for quite a while, and as these blogs go on I will unpack what I mean by "sad" and "depressed."

I was sitting in a bar, an Irish bar as a matter of fact with Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor. We discussed my performance objectives and some new things he would like me to take on this year. 

Anyone who has ever sat through a discussion with Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor concerning performance objectives and what he would like you to take on for the coming year understands why I would be suicidal. 

Actually, Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I get along quite well and have an open and honest dialogue. He calls me out on my stuff and I am more than happy to return the favor with him.

We were busy having wine and discussing my suicidal tendencies.

I know what you are thinking, "Oh I bet that was a riveting discussion, in fact, this blog is making me depressed." 

We finally got to the point where I admitted that I did not love or even like myself; I was "unlovable." 

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor looked at me for a moment and said, "You are nothing more than a hypocrite! Here you are, running around talking about the love of Christ, and how God loves you, and you don't even think that He loves you! Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

He went on to say, "If that is how you truly feel, why don't you just "off yourself" right now?"

I said, "I can't"

He said, "Because?"

I replied, "I don't want to hurt my family."

Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor came back with, "That is so much bullshit. Don't put this on them. Don't ever put this on anyone else. This is all you!"

Now, I must admit that I sleep through most of what Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor says. He is a babbler, but this made me sit up and take notice.

I had never thought of it in those terms before. 

He said, "Roger you are a very smart man."

To which I replied, "No, I am not paying for your drink."

He just gave me that Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor look and said, "What is the real reason you are still here."

I went back and forth with him for some time before I came to the realization that in fact, I do love myself and that I am loveable. 

Am I still suicidal? Maybe, but I now see where the tapes that played in my head were really messing with me. 

I realized that I had been stuck in the mud. In the mud of lies that I told myself and that I had chosen to believe.

I am no longer stuck in the mud, but I do have muddy boots. 

I looked at Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and saw he had muddy boots too! 

I will look for people with muddy boots; they can help!

As I walk through this next Dance with God I know the dance floor will get dirty. When you dance with muddy boots you tend to leave a bit of a mess.

Thanks for listening, you are helping me.

Blessings,

Roger

Hey Frederick!

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Frederick, how have you been?

Hey Did you miss me?

I missed you!

In fact, I missed you all!!!

I haven't had time to talk with you for a while; it is not because I didn't want to, well maybe it was if your name has 15-v's in it, just kidding, I missed you too Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor.

It was a wonderful trip and I will talk more about it as time goes on.

I am now sitting in Beaverton Oregon, at the Beaverton YMCA, getting ready for another "round-up."

A "Round-up" is when we get all our staff together and talk about things, do some training, eat some food, and if everyone is in their best self, encourage and love on one another.

Speaking of, "Loving on one another," how are we all doing on this endeavor? 

Remember what someone once said, "Love one another. By this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Well, I have to go and entertain the troops until Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor gets here!

Before I leave, how are you loving on one another?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

A man named Lucious, a Perkins Restaurant, and God

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Laurie and I made it to Owatonna, Minnesota.

I cannot ever figure out why our family can't just live in places like Ames, Iowa or Kuna, Idaho; no, our family has to live in Owatonna, Minnesota and Minneapolis, Minnesota, SpearFish South Dakota, and Washougal Washinton; we do have family in Thane, Wyoming, but nobody can ever find Thane Wyoming on a map; I think it is because only five people live in Thane, Wyoming, well six now when Tao was born. 

We left SpearFish yesterday and stopped at a Perkins restaurant for breakfast. Perkins is like Elmer's, and we know how I like Elmer's, so we stopped at Perkins. I did ask Laurie if she ever dated a Perkins, but she didn't think I was funny. 

We parked the car and proceeded to walk to the door. An older gentleman, who was all by himself, walked in behind us. He was obviously traveling alone and had an aura of loneliness about him. When the hostess asked how many were in my party (Yes, Perkins is fancy dancy, it has a hostess), I said, "three." 

I turned to the gentleman behind us and asked, "Will you join us for breakfast?" 

He said, "Why thank you, that would be lovely."

Now I know why Laurie didn't date a Perkins; hostesses and well-mannered patrons are a bit much.

Lucious that was his name, came and sat with us. Lucious was a Vietnam vet and was moving to South Dakota. "The people just fit me better," he said.

We ordered our breakfast, and the conversation started.

Lucious had a different political view than we had; his worldview was basically the same but had some interesting twists to it. When he got a bit loud, we gently swung the conversation to something else. Actually, our time went like this.

I would ask, "Where are you from?"

Lucious would then go into a lengthy discourse on his life.

Laurie would ask, "How is your breakfast?"

Lucious would then go into a long discourse about food.

As the conversation went on, Laurie and I realized two things:

1. We had life experiences that were much different than Lucious's.
2. Lucious was very lonely. 
3. Lucious had lived a hard life.
4. Math is still hard.

When we finished our meal, the waitress, who looked a lot like our hostess, asked, "One check or two?"

I replied, "One, please."

Lucious said, "You don't have to do that."

I said, "I know, but I want to; I have a new friend."

Lucious smiled and said, "Thank you."

We shook hands and parted ways.

I am not sure why Lucious walked in when he did, but I do believe in an intentional God, which makes me wonder what God is up to when he brings people into my life. 

When I am intentional about looking for God in the everydayness of my life and submitting to His little nudges, I find amazing things happen.

Do you look for God in the everydayness of your life?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

A proper Hobbit wedding!

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I married my niece this past weekend. Now that is something I never thought I would say since I am not from Arkansas (Yes, our camp director is from Arkansas, and Musial is a friend of mine and graduated from the University of  Arkansas). 

The big day started early and was relaxing; if relaxing is defined as my sister (the bride's mother) running around the house yelling, "Where is my phone? I can't find my phone. Roger, stop telling me to look in the bathroom or wait. I found it in the bathroom. Where are my keys, Kim? What did you do with my keys? If you tell me to look in the key bowl one more time, I think I will scream, oh wait, I found them in the key bowl. My shoes, where did I put my shoes? Oh, never mind, I am wearing them. Ok, I gotta go get my hair done, by, love you."

Then Kim (my sister's husband and my brother) asked how many chairs should we set up? The venue is outside and a beautiful spot, but it needs to be set up. The question arose from the fact that there were 150 chairs, and they needed to be symmetrical, so I got to use my math skills. I said, "There are 150 chairs and two sections so just put 80 chairs in each section; how hard is that?" Kim, a retired financial advisor, looked at me and said, "Hey Roger can you do me a favor and get dressed so we can get the venue set up." 

I was glad to help and show off my math skills simultaneously.

Yes, it was a very relaxing morning. 

The wedding went off without a hitch; that is, if your definition of without a hitch includes the bride and the groom not saying their vows during the ceremony!

Hannah and Justin had decided to write their own vows, so I crossed out the traditional vows I had for the ceremony. Everything was going swimmingly until I pulled a Ron Burgundy and read my notes, going right passed the crossed-out part, and we finished the ceremony. No one even noticed until we were finished.

The village idiot strikes again!

Well, I could not have them get married without saying their vows, so the first thing we did at the reception was to bring them together, and they read their vows to each other. It turned out to be amazing, with everyone laughing and crying, and I even got to say, "Hannah, now you can kiss your husband!"

Justin got to kiss his bride during the first ceremony, and Hannah got to attack, I mean kiss her husband, at the second ceremony! 

A proper Hobbit wedding!

It turned out to be a fantastic adaptation; when people asked me if I had done that before, I said yes. In fact, I patented the ceremony. 

One of my other nieces came up and said when I get married, you are doing my wedding, I never said we raised them smart in the Button clan. 

As I thought about my mistake, I kicked myself pretty hard for a while; until Hannah came up to me and grabbed both my hands, looked me deeply in the eyes, and said, "The wedding was perfect. Doing the vows like that made it even better. I love you."

Later after I had time to ruminate on the whole thing, which of course, led to pondering. I realized the similarity between what had happened and the book, Who moved my Cheese, "When You Stop Being Afraid, You Feel Good. 

In the end, we had found a new wrinkle to use in wedding ceremonies. Do the traditional vows during the ceremony and the vows that the groom and bride write for each other at the start of the reception. 

It was magic. 

Just remember, "When You See That You Can Find And Enjoy New Cheese, You Change Course."

Blessings,

Roger

Today is the day before the big day.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Today is the day before the big day.

Today is the day before Hannah and Justin's wedding. It is a day full of activities, so many activities, we could do aerobics, we won't but we could. 

The groom's party starts the day with golf, and the bride's party starts the day at a spa. 

I am starting my day with you. It is still early, and the only people up are Kim and me; he is doing important work on his computer, work that involves numbers and math and stuff. I don't know how to do important work with numbers and math and stuff, so I will continue talking with you using words, commas, and stuff. 

When Hannah asked me to officiate her wedding some 15 years ago, it seemed like such a long time, yet here I am, already on the day before the big day, making sure that I have everything just right. 

Time goes by.

On the day before the day before, the big day, Katie and Kim had a dinner party for a bunch of us. Most of us hadn't seen each other in years, like a lot of years. So many years, in fact, that we did not recognize one another; that is, until we smiled and started talking. It is funny how the eyes tell a story, and a smile transcends time. 

We talked, told stories, and caught up on 20+ years of life. We talked about old people's stuff, like hip replacements and knee replacements...There was a time when we would have talked about the great adventures we planned to take. Now we talked about the great adventures that we had taken.

Actually, some of us talked about great adventures that we had taken, and others talked about the great adventures that they never got around to taking.

Today is the day before the big day. The day when Justin and Hannah start their great adventure together. 

Adventures are funny things. You think you know how your adventure is going to go; you do your best to plan for your adventure and to prepare, but adventures never go quite the way you plan them. Some people learn to adapt to their adventure as it unfolds, while others have a harder time. 

For me holding my adventure loosely in my hand has been helpful, not trying too hard to control everything, being ok with the mystery of it all.

It will be fun to watch Hannah and Justin travel their great adventure together, and it will be fun to see what happens next in mine.

What kind of adventure are you on? Is it one you had planned, or has it taken a different path?

Are you happy with your adventure, or do you need to start a different one?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Turkeys tend to stay at the KOA.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Lolo and I are still at Devil's Tower; this is our last day here as we mosey (it is a Wyoming term) our way to Spearfish, South Dakota. 

Devil's Tower is a really cool place. 

We hiked all over and went to an actual sweat lodge, not to sweat; I have an aversion to sweating, thus the reason I never went upstairs in our "Y," people sweat up there.

One thing I did notice is that there aren't many young people here. We were surrounded by old people. 

• People complaining about knee replacements
• People saying things like
• I hope you're not in a hurry
• Honey, where are we? I forget?
• What, I can't take my motorized scooter on the trail?

Here is a picture of an old couple on the trail

Like I said, nothing but old people.

Another interesting tidbit about Devil's Tower is that normal people don't stay at the KOA; it is full of turkeys. Turkeys tend to stay at the KOA.

Here is proof.

I think they were looking for arrowheads; either that or one of them lost their keys.

Seeing the country, the changing topography, meeting all sorts of people, and the variety they bring is good for the soul.

I get to see more of the things that God created. 

The beauty of nature. 

The crankiness of some old people.

The joyfulness of some old people.

As Lolo and I mosey our way to Spearfish, South Dakota, we notice things; a rock formation or the way the sun hits the red dirt. We get to listen to people's stories and hear about their lives. 

I enjoy my life, the life that God gave me. Sure, it hasn't always been easy, and I guess I could have focused on the things that hurt or made me feel bad, but I chose not to. 

There are choices in life, one of which is how you feel and see the world. 

I choose love.

I choose compassion. 

I will continue to work on seeing life through these lenses.

How are you seeing life? What lens are you using?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

Lolo and I are at Devil's Tower.

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Lolo and I made it to Devils Tower, Wyoming, a short 644-mile drive from Missoula, Montana; more on that later, but first, I must address and correct a couple of things from yesterday's post, thank you, readers, for your ever-needed eye for detail. 

1. Frederick the Great pointed out that I told the joke wrong; it was supposed to go, "CColorao asked Nebraska, "What will Delaware to the dance." and Nebraska responded, "Idaho, Alaska." 
2. Frederick then asked, "If you stay in a Holiday Express, you are an expert on everything, but what if you stay in a KOA? The answer is Roger, the village idiot:) (I made that part up myself) Frederick would never say anything like that; he may think it but not say it.
3. Gladys Kravits, the ever-nosey neighbor, noticed that I used Elizabeth when I should have used Samantha. Good catch, Gladys, now close your window shades!
4. Lastly, Elizabeth, could you do me a huge favor and wiggle your nose and make Frederick talk like Pee-wee Herman or a duck? That would be hilarious.

Now that we have addressed everything nobody cared about, we can move on.

Lolo and I are at Devil's Tower.

With the smoke from the wildfires, Devil's Tower looks a bit like Dante's Inferno and the 9-circles of Hell.

It is an epic poem commonly referred to as "The Divine Comedy." 

I have read this book a few times, and it never seemed funny to me! (I can't wait to hear from the Literary experts Man-splaining Greek Comedy)

• The First Circle is Purgatory (Limbo, for all of us non-Catholics)
• The Second Circle is Lust (the 2nd definition of the word love in the Webster Dictionary, "I love my mother. but eweeuu!)
• The Third Circle is Gluttony (Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor Don't say it)
• The Fourth Circle is Greed (Lolo and I were noticing RVs and stuff as we drove down the road. The conversation went to sporting events and fancy vacations. I asked Lolo, "Honey, are we poor and don't know it?" She just looked at me and said, "Yep, isn't it wonderful!" Like I said yesterday, " I wonder about her critical thinking skills after leaving Elmer's son for me.
• The Fifth Circle is Wrath (Wrath comes from being wronged, which comes from anger, which comes from fear, and hurt. Hmmm, Who Moved my Cheese comes to mind.
• The Sixth Circle is Heresy (Heresy is a funny thing; it is a truth told by those in power to those who actually think outside the box. Now don't get me wrong, I can define the Heresies in my worldview fairly well, yet at the same time, see how someone got there. Oh, these are tough times to be a shrubbier)
• The Seventh Circle is Violence (Violence is terrible, don't do it, or you will end up in a divine comedy, which by the way, isn't funny)
• The Eighth Circle Fraud (I think at some level we all fall into fraud. I should start a small group on fraud, maybe a few will avert the Eighth Circle)
• The Ninth and worse Circle is Treachery (A violation of allegiance, faith, and confidence). Great, has anyone not been treacherous according to this definition?

Lolo and I are at Devil's Tower. The ancient Native American story behind Devil's Tower is that a giant bear chased some young Native Americans up the Tower, trying to eat them. The marks on the Tower are left from the Bear's claws scratching to get at them.

I know what you are thinking, "Oh, that is a silly myth."

Maybe so, but it is also a silly myth that people think they can stay in the same place, not move a muscle, not think of anything new and not grow stagnant and die. 

Yes, I am still on the Who Moved my Cheese kick; but here is a dirty little secret, I am a Certified Spiritual Director, and I know that Spiritual Transformation is a river, not a lake. A person is either moving toward or away from God; spiritual transformation is not stagnant; it is not inside a box, nor does it reside in the same place in a maze. One is always on a journey; one must always have their shoes ready, for it is a walk that one must take.

I get what Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor is doing; I have been taking people on the same journey for many years; some will refuse to go on the journey, others will embrace it, and a few will follow tentatively.

The question that I have is, "Are you willing to risk, to go on the journey, or would you rather watch from the sidelines holding ever so tightly onto your myth?"

Something to think about.

Blessings,

Roger