Talk about a hot mess.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

As Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I trudged through the mud, and my traveling companion walked the path close behind I am still pondering about being "that guy."

I look back at my traveling companion. 

To be honest, I don't like being this far from her for any real length of time. Even though I can see her, it feels different, more distant somehow. It is as if the physical distance has also caused a relational distance. I can feel the pimple of the rearview mirror starting to grow and she isn't there to rip it off. I must be careful not to lose myself as I help my friend. 

In my thoughts, I turn to a training that I am helping someone lead. Currently, we are going through "trust," or more aptly the absence of trust and how to build it.  

We did the usual trust exercises and what not, then I threw them a riseball (if you don't know what a riseball is, then I guess you better watch more women's softball; that's all I have to say about that).

I hung some signs, which said:

• Can we just take off the mask?
• What does it look like to be authentic?
• Can we dare to be vulnerable?
• What does it look like to have someone's back?

We talked intentionally about each of these subjects, and a funny thing happened. 

The masks came off, well mostly. I did notice that some of the more astute mask wearers were wearing masks under their masks. 

During the conversation about wearing masks and invulnerability, one participant said, "If I took off my mask everyone would see what a hot mess I really am and judge me for it." 

I just had to ask, "What does a hot mess mean to you?"

Which she replied, "I feel like I am failing at my job, I got divorced, and I am struggling raising my two boys. If people knew I didn't have my s--t together..."

I just looked at her and laughed.

I said, "H--l, there are times I think I am failing at my job, I got a divorce, I struggled raising my three boys. In fact I have a reoccurring nightmare that my boys and I end up in therapy over something I said when they we 8-years-old, which I don't even remember saying, but it formed them somehow." 

Another participant reached out and said, "We are all struggling, in fact, can we make an agreement to take our masks off and be vulnerable with each other for more than 2-hours a week (meaning, more than just at this training). 

The next thing I knew people were sharing their stuff with one another. It got to the point where the leader had to say, "We don't need to share all our details with everyone." 

I decided to walk the group through the "shame cycle."

After the "Shame Cycle" I took the opportunity to tell a story, Never waste an opportunity to tell a story, I always say. 

I told them that I had a nice conversation with my sister Betty just that morning. We were talking about the Breads and the conversations she was having with people around them. She was talking about taking off her mask. you see Betty has been married a couple of times, and when I mean a couple I mean less than 10. Betty is your proverbial people pleaser. 

Betty actually married a guy just because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. 

Anyway, I was telling the group that my sister had called and we were talking about shame and the tapes that people play in their heads.  

I told the group about Tim Raile, Bob Sperry, and me sitting in Tim's basement when we were 16 years old and Tim said, "We should all get dates!" We had never had dates, which meant we had never asked a girl out, which meant it was scary, at least for me.  

Tim called a girl and she said yes, of course, she did it was Tim Raile for God's sake. Bob Sperry called a girl and she said yes, of course, she said yes, it was Bob Sperry for God's sake. 

Tim asked who I was going to call? I said I think I will call Colleen. 

Tim thought that was a wonderful choice and handed me the phone. 

I looked up her number in the phone book, (you youngsters are going to have to google "phone book" to find out what that is) and dialed her number. when she answered, I hung up without saying a word, you see in all actuality I am a coward. 

I told Bob and Tim that I can't, and they said you have to.

So I said, I know I will call Jenni I think she might go out with me.

I called and asked. 

She said, "Yes."

We all went on our dates.

The next week came around and I thought, I don't want to be like David (David was the classic date every girl in school guy. They all pined over him and were heartbroken when he didn't ask them out again) and date a different girl every week. 

I didn't want to be "That guy."

So I asked Jenni out again.

The next thing you know five or six dates went by and I was stuck, not knowing how to break this thing off without hurting her feelings or looking like a jerk (Which by the way I am pretty good at being now, at least that is what I am told). 

The next thing you know we have been dating for over four-years and talking about marriage.

The next thing you know I get hurt playing football, lose my scholarship and can't go to school. Jenni is at school, I call her up on her birthday and she is with someone else (another football player, go figure), She proceeds to tell me that she didn't love me, and never did, and that I was nothing more than a status symbol to her. 

My first reaction was, "Thank God" and then the tapes started playing. 

I went to the place of being unlovable with those tapes. 

Then I told the group, "You know what was really funny about the whole thing? I did it to myself! I didn't want to go out with Jenni in the first place. No, I was just too scared to ask Colleen out." 

Talk about a hot mess.

Everyone laughed.

So, as I trudge through the mud with "T" I was pondering about "That guy."

While I didn't want to be "That guy." I didn't want to be "That other guy either."

I have decided to keep my mask off to the best of my ability. 

I am sure it will make people uncomfortable.

There is a good chance that I will lose a friend or two along the way.

But I am tired of the masquerade ball and want to go home. 

I hear "T" mumbling something, I had better go pay attention to my friend.

Are you still wearing your mask? And if so why?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger 

My canoe is 17' long, it doesn't sound like much but it is amazing how different the world can be in just 17'.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

The river is moving right along now. The current is strong but without eddies, rivulets, or rapids. The water is clear and you can see the bottom of the river which is rocky. When you look ahead, it doesn't feel like you are moving very fast, but when you look at the rocks on the bottom of the river, as you pass by, you see that, in fact, you are moving right along.

My traveling companion is sitting in the front seat of the canoe, she is looking content and relaxed. You can always tell when she is in this state; her eyes are relaxed and quiet, and the corners of her mouth are turned up, just a bit, not like a real smile, more like "I am happy just to be here with you" kind of smile. I can tell her thoughts are good and that she feels safe. In fact, she is actually sitting sideways in the seat. She has her feet dangling in the water, She looks up at the green, green trees against a blue, blue sky; then she looks back down at the water, her mouth is still turned up in that content relaxed sort of way, she is holding a little box of wine in her lap. There is no mask, maybe the wine helps? She never looks so beautiful as when she is in this state. 

My canoe is 17' long, it doesn't sound like much but it is amazing how different the world can be in just 17'. 

She is in the front of the canoe, obviously in a good place. I on the other hand sit in the back, roughly 15' away, and I am tense, angry, sad, hurting, hopeless, with my thoughts in a jumbled mess. 

I know I am loved. I know that people like me. 

Oh my god, I sound like John Handy, "By gosh people like me."

I am not looking back, the mirror is gone. She took care of that.

I am not looking into the future, my spyglass seems to be missing. I have a good idea who took it.

I am sitting here, in the twilight of the present. If I could just get into the full light of the present, I know I will be good. I will be happy, and life will come into focus. 

I guess this is part of the process. I take a look at myself.

There really isn't any reason for me to be tense. I don't even know why I am?

There really isn't any reason for me to be angry. I don't even know why I am?

There isn't really any reason for me to be sad. I don't even know why I am?

There isn't really any reason for me to be hopeless. I don't even know why I am?

Johnny Cash comes to mind. 

Some people say a man is made outta mud
A poor man's made outta muscle and blood
Muscle and blood and skin and bone
A mind that's a-weak and a back that's strong

You load sixteen tons and what do you get

Another day older and deeper in debt

Saint Peter don't you call me cause I can't go

I owe my soul to the company store

Here I am canoeing down the river, paddling to the cadence of Johnny Cash and Sixteen Tons.  

I hope the sun of the present doesn't take too long to come up. I sure get tired of me. 

For now, I will focus on the person in the front of the canoe, and take pleasure in watching someone else's contentment.

    

I do love my traveling companion, did I mention she is a hard-headed woman?

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

"Roger, what the hell are you doing?" 

That is how my traveling companion greeted me when she arrived. There I was obviously free of the mud, but just standing there. I must have been there for a while.

I said, "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with the canoe?"

She replied, "I was, but then I began to wonder where you were; then I began to worry about where you were, finely I thought, 'forget the canoe, I better go find that fool before he wanders into the mud again.' Now stop messing around and get over here."

She grabbed my hand and yarded me, not gently mind you, out of the mud. She pointed me down the path back to the canoe and said, "Go."

I do love my traveling companion, did I mention she is a hard-headed woman?

As she pushed me down the path she ripped off the rearview mirror saying, "You won't be needing this anymore." 

I have a feeling my rearview mirror is a lot like a pimple. You get rid of one, only to find another one is growing in its place. And like pimples on a teenager, it just takes time to grow out of them. 

This rearview mirror thing is just going to take some time to get over. 

I am still wearing my mask, I guess it is for everyone else, she sees right through it, in fact, she thinks the mask is ugly and ridiculous. Sometimes I wonder if I keep it on when we are alone just to piss her off. 

Did I ever mention that I can be a jerk sometimes? 

There isn't much conversation as we walk back to the canoe, there isn't a need for one. 

When we reach the canoe, I see she had tied it off to a tree and everything was safe. In hindsight, I guess we should have just tied the canoe off in the first place and scouted together. But then again, I have never been the brightest brick in the pond. 

We get our stuff together, get into the canoe, without mishap, and shove off. 

It is good to be back in the canoe, the water is lapping against the side, and the paddle strokes are almost silent as they cut into and then push the water behind the canoe. Paddling is interesting, you don't just put the paddle in the water, you insert it intentionally, and then pull with your legs, back, and arms. Done right, you can do this all day, like 10 hours all day. If done wrong, you won't last 30-min. 

I enjoy paddling, it helps my spiritual state. 

My pain is still with me, but more manageable. I guess eventually, I will have to talk with one of my psychologist friends. You know you have issues when you have three psychologists who are just dying to get into your head.  

I am glad that I can entertain somebody, even if it is a psychologist. I must be related to lettuce somehow. 

I must set my heart on the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. I must set my mind on the things above, not the things of the earth. I must remember this, it will keep me safe. 

I thank God for my traveling companion. 

Have you thanked God for yours?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

I might as well be living in the matrix.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Archibald brought in Lettuce from his garden! 

There were all different types of lettuce, he told me all the names, but I wasn't listening so I had yet to learn what type of lettuce it was.  

People would see the lettuce that I picked out in my office and say, "I have never seen that kind of lettuce. What type of lettuce is that?"

I would say, "You haven't? This is really neat lettuce and is actually quite rare. It is called entertainyou."

"Entertainyou?" They would say.

I would reply, "Yes, entertainyou."

They would say, "I had never heard of entertainyou."

I would quip, "You mean to tell me you have never heard of Let us entertain you?"

Nobody laughed.

The best part is nobody has even bothered to look to see if I am wearing a mask. 

I get comments like: 

• You should have been a comedian.
• You are one funny guy.
• Where do you come up with this stuff.

Yep, some of my best work is done behind the mask. 

I have managed to wrench myself free from the mud, but I don't feel like going anywhere, what's the point? 

The pain is constant and acute. I wish I could find joy, but everywhere I look I see people suffering in their own silence. 

When I ask people how they are doing I get:

• I'm alright when clearly they are not alright.
• I'm good when clearly they are not good.
• I'm ok when clearly they are not ok.

They spend their days wearing masks too. Some wear them better than others, but they wear them just the same. 

They come and sit in the chair. They never bother to take their masks off. They sit and tell me things, but never the real issue. 

Seldom do I get the truth?

It has left me cut and bleeding out. 

Do I want to live in a world where everyone is wearing Halloween costumes?

Do I want to live in a world where everyone is at best telling partial truths? 

I might as well be living in the matrix. 

I am left pondering all of this, all the while wearing my mask, why not, everyone else is. 

Oh here's a good one!

There are two loaves of bread in the oven; one loaf says, "Boy or boy, is it ever hot in here." The second loaf looks at the first loaf and screams, "Oh my god, it is a talking loaf of bread."

I wonder what the real reason is that we cannot just be honest with each other?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger

I left my traveling companion with the canoe. Looking back, I think that was a bad move.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

I have ripped the rearview mirror off my car of life, and somebody keeps putting it back on. I have ripped it off more times than I can remember and every time I glance over it is back again; it is very frustrating. 

I had to get out of the canoe and walk ahead, just to see what was around the bend of the river. 

The river is still flat and peaceful and there are no dangers present in the near future. Yet, I cannot get over the feeling that something bad is about to happen and there is nothing I can do about it?  I don't know what it is or could be, but I cannot help but feel this way. 

Every time I feel as if something bad is going to happen, I cannot help but look back to see if I missed something that could indicate why I feel this way. When I look back I see the old stuff, the depressing stuff. I cannot see anything that could indicate a bad thing happening in the future, but I can see the bad things of the past, and the process starts all over again.

Something bad has happened and there is nothing I can do about it, and something bad is about to happen and there is nothing I can do about it. This is not a good place to be.  

I put on my chaplain's face, and go through my Rolodex jokes and funny one-liners that I always keep available in the mental filing cabinet that is my brain. I go into my costume closet and sort through all my masks, trying, in vain mostly, to pick just the right mask to wear so people won't notice anything wrong and get too close. 

It is here, in my mental closet while I am trying on masks, that I ponder the rest of my life. I ponder things like:

• Will my friends stick around?
• Will my family stick around?
• Will I stick around?

Sometimes I wonder, what's the point?

Sometimes I know what the point is. 

I don't know why I vacillate? I suppose vacillating is better than just being stuck, but it is still quite a bother.  

I look down at the path and see that I have wandered into the mud. 

I left my traveling companion with the canoe. Looking back, I think that was a bad move. 

As I stand in my costume closet, contemplating things, I wonder if I will ever leave my closet, and if I do leave, what mask will I be wearing. 

I stand in my closet, pick up a mask, try it on, decide it isn't right, and put it down only to pick up another one. As I go through mask after mask, I wonder, "Am I the only one who struggles with life?"

I begin to hum, 

"Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble
And I stay it will be double"

Am I the only one? 

Do you ever feel the way I feel?

Have I been cut too deeply, too many times?

Am I bleeding out? I feel like I am bleeding out. 

Lord, I am with you all the way. I just wonder how much farther the "way" is? 

Oh look, I found the mask that will work just fine; I will put that one on.

Did I tell you the one where Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor walks into the bar? You would have thought that after all the "bar" jokes he has told he would have ducked.

Blessings,

Roger

The river is tranquil, and the conversations are flowing.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

The river is tranquil, and the conversations are flowing. So far this part of the journey has been uncomplicated and not too demanding, in fact, it really hasn't been demanding at all, the river has been doing the heavy lifting (no, that is not a stab at my weight). 

My brother and sister arrived last Thursday afternoon. Before I go too far into this story I had better clarify two very important things:

• It is actually Laurie's sister and her husband.
• They are not my biological brother and sister, that would just be weird if they were my biological brother and sister and were married. 
• Most people would call them their brother and sister-in-law.
• I don't use the term in-law. If you have an in-law you have an out-law. It is just the law of equal and opposite. Something Newton was fond of talking about. 
• An object in motion tends to stay in motion and an object at rest tends to stay at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force...for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

And before you go into the whole, "Newton was talking physics, not family structure." I am going to point out the four laws of being a theologian:

1. Theologians don't worry about the crossover between the sciences.
2. Theologians are horrible at math. 

They traveled by car and saw a lot of really cool stuff along the way. They stayed mainly on the secondary roads, only jumping on the interstate when necessary. 

I thought that was brilliant and is my preferred way to travel. If you absolutely have to be there overnight ship FedEx, wait no, if you absolutely have to be there in a hurry go by interstate, otherwise do yourself a favor and slow down, look around, and take the secondary highways and such. 

I am glad they got here safe and sound. I wonder what trouble Jeff and I will get into during their visit. I am a little worried about the garage sale part, they love to garage sale and so does Laurie. 

Last year when they came out I ended up with 5 garages and 2 yards, yes they hit a few yard sales too. 

The river is tranquil and the going is easy, but we are getting close to a bend in the river, I will have to get out and scout the next section, you never want to go around a blind corner on a river, bad things could happen.  

Have you ever just blindly gone around a corner? the phrase, "I didn't see that coming; comes to mind." 

What are the blind corners in your life that you should take a look at before entering them do you have? 

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Most of all I am happy that I am not soaking wet and all alone.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Well, it almost happened. I almost got thrown out of the canoe before I even got in it. 

I asked, what I thought was a legitimate question, a question based on respect. I didn't want to assume or attempt to make a decision for anyone, and I got the look. You know that look. The look of, "I can't believe you would even ask me that question. It was quickly followed up with, "Are you asking metaphorically, or are you really asking me if I want to leave?"

The next she said was, "Choose your words carefully, words are important." 

I really get irritated when people use my own catchphrases against me. 

So...there I am one foot in the canoe, one foot on the bank, and my traveling companion holding the canoe steady as I get in. 

The rest of the conversation went like this. 

Roger-"Metaphorically?" hoping that was the right answer. 

TC-"So you're not really asking me if I want you to continue on alone?"

Roger-"No, not really, I was wondering how to write this next section of my life."

TC-"Good answer, Yes, write me in the next section of your life." 

She went on to say, "You know that I am with you all the way." And then wobbled the canoe, just to make the point that I was very close to getting very wet.

As I said, canoes are a lot like women.    

I looked down the river and it is flat water, meaning no rapids (at least not yet) and it bends to the right a ways down head. 

I get into the canoe, sit down, brace the canoe with my paddle and my traveling companion gets in. We push off from shore and start to drift downstream. 

I had almost forgotten how tranquil it is floating down a river in a canoe. 

I am happy. 

I am happy that my traveling companion is still here.

I am happy to be in the canoe.

I am even happy that she got mad that I would even ask if she wanted to continue the journey.

Most of all I am happy that I am not soaking wet and all alone. 

As we floated down the river, I paddled lazily, just enough to keep the bow pointed downstream, my thoughts began to wander, "I wondered what was around the bend and what the next section of river would bring." 

I caught myself. "Don't wander too far ahead" I said to myself, it only borrows trouble. 

Do you ever catch yourself in your thought life? 

I began to ponder something Martin Luther once said, "You can't stop a bird from flying over your head. But, you can keep it from making a nest in your hair."

How is your thought life doing today? Is your thought life running you, or are you running your thought life?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger