Talk about a hot mess.

Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

As Trevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvor and I trudged through the mud, and my traveling companion walked the path close behind I am still pondering about being "that guy."

I look back at my traveling companion. 

To be honest, I don't like being this far from her for any real length of time. Even though I can see her, it feels different, more distant somehow. It is as if the physical distance has also caused a relational distance. I can feel the pimple of the rearview mirror starting to grow and she isn't there to rip it off. I must be careful not to lose myself as I help my friend. 

In my thoughts, I turn to a training that I am helping someone lead. Currently, we are going through "trust," or more aptly the absence of trust and how to build it.  

We did the usual trust exercises and what not, then I threw them a riseball (if you don't know what a riseball is, then I guess you better watch more women's softball; that's all I have to say about that).

I hung some signs, which said:

• Can we just take off the mask?
• What does it look like to be authentic?
• Can we dare to be vulnerable?
• What does it look like to have someone's back?

We talked intentionally about each of these subjects, and a funny thing happened. 

The masks came off, well mostly. I did notice that some of the more astute mask wearers were wearing masks under their masks. 

During the conversation about wearing masks and invulnerability, one participant said, "If I took off my mask everyone would see what a hot mess I really am and judge me for it." 

I just had to ask, "What does a hot mess mean to you?"

Which she replied, "I feel like I am failing at my job, I got divorced, and I am struggling raising my two boys. If people knew I didn't have my s--t together..."

I just looked at her and laughed.

I said, "H--l, there are times I think I am failing at my job, I got a divorce, I struggled raising my three boys. In fact I have a reoccurring nightmare that my boys and I end up in therapy over something I said when they we 8-years-old, which I don't even remember saying, but it formed them somehow." 

Another participant reached out and said, "We are all struggling, in fact, can we make an agreement to take our masks off and be vulnerable with each other for more than 2-hours a week (meaning, more than just at this training). 

The next thing I knew people were sharing their stuff with one another. It got to the point where the leader had to say, "We don't need to share all our details with everyone." 

I decided to walk the group through the "shame cycle."

After the "Shame Cycle" I took the opportunity to tell a story, Never waste an opportunity to tell a story, I always say. 

I told them that I had a nice conversation with my sister Betty just that morning. We were talking about the Breads and the conversations she was having with people around them. She was talking about taking off her mask. you see Betty has been married a couple of times, and when I mean a couple I mean less than 10. Betty is your proverbial people pleaser. 

Betty actually married a guy just because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. 

Anyway, I was telling the group that my sister had called and we were talking about shame and the tapes that people play in their heads.  

I told the group about Tim Raile, Bob Sperry, and me sitting in Tim's basement when we were 16 years old and Tim said, "We should all get dates!" We had never had dates, which meant we had never asked a girl out, which meant it was scary, at least for me.  

Tim called a girl and she said yes, of course, she did it was Tim Raile for God's sake. Bob Sperry called a girl and she said yes, of course, she said yes, it was Bob Sperry for God's sake. 

Tim asked who I was going to call? I said I think I will call Colleen. 

Tim thought that was a wonderful choice and handed me the phone. 

I looked up her number in the phone book, (you youngsters are going to have to google "phone book" to find out what that is) and dialed her number. when she answered, I hung up without saying a word, you see in all actuality I am a coward. 

I told Bob and Tim that I can't, and they said you have to.

So I said, I know I will call Jenni I think she might go out with me.

I called and asked. 

She said, "Yes."

We all went on our dates.

The next week came around and I thought, I don't want to be like David (David was the classic date every girl in school guy. They all pined over him and were heartbroken when he didn't ask them out again) and date a different girl every week. 

I didn't want to be "That guy."

So I asked Jenni out again.

The next thing you know five or six dates went by and I was stuck, not knowing how to break this thing off without hurting her feelings or looking like a jerk (Which by the way I am pretty good at being now, at least that is what I am told). 

The next thing you know we have been dating for over four-years and talking about marriage.

The next thing you know I get hurt playing football, lose my scholarship and can't go to school. Jenni is at school, I call her up on her birthday and she is with someone else (another football player, go figure), She proceeds to tell me that she didn't love me, and never did, and that I was nothing more than a status symbol to her. 

My first reaction was, "Thank God" and then the tapes started playing. 

I went to the place of being unlovable with those tapes. 

Then I told the group, "You know what was really funny about the whole thing? I did it to myself! I didn't want to go out with Jenni in the first place. No, I was just too scared to ask Colleen out." 

Talk about a hot mess.

Everyone laughed.

So, as I trudge through the mud with "T" I was pondering about "That guy."

While I didn't want to be "That guy." I didn't want to be "That other guy either."

I have decided to keep my mask off to the best of my ability. 

I am sure it will make people uncomfortable.

There is a good chance that I will lose a friend or two along the way.

But I am tired of the masquerade ball and want to go home. 

I hear "T" mumbling something, I had better go pay attention to my friend.

Are you still wearing your mask? And if so why?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,

Roger