Laurie looked over and said, "Oh my God you're crying?" I replied, "No I'm not, it's allergies!"

 Good morning,

I pray the day finds you well.

Laurie and I watched "A man called Otto " last night.

The movie is 126 minutes long, and I only cried during the movie for roughly 124 minutes. When I say cried, I mean that bad kind of crying; the kind that makes you look ugly and funny all at the same time. I had snot running down my face and I was making those horrible crying sounds that you make when you "Snot Cry." 

Yes, I was snot crying.

Laurie looked over and said, "Oh my God you're crying?"

I replied, "No I'm not, it's allergies!"

She was sitting in my special shoulder chair, the one I slept in after shoulder replacement surgery. 

I was sitting on the couch, with a horrible case of Otto fever (That is the name I gave to my new allergy). 

Laurie got up and sat next to me. She held me as I cried. 

It was horrible. Not the Laurie holding me part, but me burying my head in her should crying, then looking up at the movie only to have another bought of allergies. This went on throughout the entire movie. 

I was so glad when the movie ended. I was spent.

I don't know why the movie made me cry or why I reacted so emotionally to it. I am sure that as I walk down the dirt path, God will make it apparent to me why.

My snot cry came out of nowhere, if I had known that I would be affected this way by the movie, there is no way I would have watched it; kind of like a telemarketer, if I had known it was Mike from AT&T trying to sell me something, I would never had answered the phone, ending up in an argument with God, and sending me down the whole "I am so glad you called, I promise I will listen intently to whatever you have to say; I may even buy whatever it is you have to sell if first, you will allow me to pray with you and tell you the good news of Jesus Christ" escapade! 

The last time I had something like this happen was 1-year after my mom died. 

I had been so busy being a chaplain to my family after her death that I never really grieved my loss. 

The funny thing about the grieving process is that you can't jump ahead and skip parts. Another funny thing about the grieving process is, it is not linear. You can go back and forth during the process until your open wound becomes a scar that you can look at but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. 

God is good at the grieving process, He has lots of practice. 

I was at a chaplain training, getting more CEC's. We were discussing death notifications and role-playing and practicing. Right in the middle of the role play, in front of 30+ chaplains, I had what I now call an Otto Fever allergy attack. Yes, I started crying right in front of everyone, not just crying but ugly snot crying. 

I was grieving my mother, right in front of all these people. Looking back, I guess if I had to have an Otto Fever allergy attack in front of a group of people, having it in front of a group of chaplains isn't such a bad thing. I mean, I could have had it in front of my Navy peeps. They would have just looked at me and said, "Eat the pain." 

It is funny what is stuck in my head. I have tapes that play that I can hear, and I have tapes that play that are silent, but boy, oh boy, I can really feel them. Those silent ones can be the most painful of all. 

One of the hardest parts of the movie was when Sofie and Otto are sitting in the car after he graduated from college with his engineering degree (I know if it wasn't for Sofie he would never have graduated).

Otto is sitting in the driver's seat, Sofie is in the passenger seat sitting beside him, and before he starts the car Otto says, "Maybe we should get married."

Sofie just looks at him and says, "Ask me right."

I found myself bawling in Laurie's lap. Anybody that knows Laurie and me has heard our story. 

She said the same thing to me. 

I had mentioned that maybe we should get married, and she said, "Ask me right."

I just realized why I had such an Otto Allergy attack!

The movie starts with Otto trying to commit suicide, and as the movie plays out it is because he is so alone and lonely. 

He misses his Sofie.

My close friends have known for some time that my biggest fear is dying alone. Not that I don't like solitude, I love solitude. I am a raging introvert. 

Solitude is different than being alone. 

Being alone hurts, at least it hurts me. 

My tapes tell me I am alone, but they lie.

I am not alone, no far from it. I have a lot of people around me that are hell-bent on not letting me fall back into the mud. 

It is good to sit and figure out why I cry. My traveling companion tells me to keep the focus on the future, not the past. 

I can't change the past, but I can sure affect the future.

Does any of this stuff resonate with you? Do you ever think about this stuff?

Something to ponder.

Blessings,